In honor of Valentine's Day this weekend, I wanted to share with you a few insights on love that I've been thinking about since returning from an enlightening Couples Conference last month.  Much of what I'd like to share comes from Dr. Sue Johnson's wonderful book, Hold Me Tight. 

Insight #1:  We NEED love in the same way that we need air, water, and shelter to survive.  It is not a luxury, it is a necessity.  An article dated 1937 in the American Journal of Psychiatry attributed the staggering number of deaths of young orphans who received proper food, water, shelter, and medical care, but were deprived of touch and emotional contact, to "emotional starvation."  Their physical survival was in peril due to a lack of human connection.

Insight #2:  It is a sign and source of strength, not a weakness, to be able to turn to others for emotional support throughout life from infancy to death.  Psychiatrist John Bowlby called this "effective dependency."  When we are secure, we are at ease in close relationships and assume we can depend on those we love, so we are comfortable asking for help and support from others.  We are also better at providing that same support to others. 

Insight #3:  Love acts as a buffer against the stresses of the outside world.  It also empowers us in the world outside of the relationship.  Studies show that when we are in a committed relationship, trauma and failure don't affect us to the extent that they affect those who are not in a loving relationship.  We are also more open to new experiences.

Insight #4:  The closer the relationship or marriage, the more readily we forgive that person for offenses committed against us.  We allow the hurt they cause to roll off our back.  We trust that our partners have our best interests in mind even if they sometimes miss the mark and inevitably hurt us along the way.

Insight #5:  The better a relationship, the more independent and self-sufficient the partners are in the world.  The more validated we feel in our partnership, the more confident we are about getting things done on our own, and thus the more likely we are to achieve our goals. 

Insight #6:  At the root of 100% of fights between partners is one or both person's fear of abandonment, or said another way a sense of insecurity in the relationship.  When we no longer trust that the other person has our back or will be there when the chips fall, we become anxious.  We act in ways that test our partner's loyalty, fairly or not.  The content of the fight doesn't matter, but the underlying fear does.  What we really want is an answer to the question: "Can I count on you?"

Insight #7:  Isolation increases blood pressure so much so that the risk of stroke and heart attack doubles.  Loneliness is a greater health risk than smoking.  

Insight #8:  Physical well-being is largely reflective of the quality of our closest relationships.  Simply being in a relationship is not enough, it must be secure and happy to have a positive effect on our health.  Both men and women who report that their partners do not show them love or admit that their marriages are strained and riddled with negative interaction experience higher levels of blood pressure and not surprisingly increased levels of stress hormones when compared to those who report being in a happy union. 

**NOTE:  A particularly interesting study done by psychologist Janice Kiecolt-Glaser of Ohio State University, revealed how a distressed relationship can even effect the body's ability to heal.  Using a vacuum pump to produce blisters on female volunteers' hands, the researchers then prompted them to argue with their husbands.  The more vicious the fight, the longer it took for the blisters to heal!

Happy Valentine's Day!  Honor all those you love and who love you in return.

Warmly,

Andrea