"New Year, New Story" - Turning Over a New Leaf, January, 2011

All the people gathered around me, sitting in concentric circles with me in the center. They asked me, "Daughter, what is your pain?" I replied, "I've lost love." Starting with the person closest to me, one by one each person said, "You have lost love." As each person spoke, they took the hand of the next person until all were joined, and all had spoken. Then, the outermost person said in a clear, strong voice, "There is no 'you'. We are all one. Love lives in us all and cannot be lost." Now the message traveled through the circles inward until at last, the person closest to me squeezed my hand and said, "Daughter, your story has been heard. Daughter, speak your new story." I spoke my new story out loud to the people. "There is no 'me'. We are all one. Love lives in us all and cannot be lost." Then, the circles moved closer, tightened and held me, swaying.

This is an actual dream I had a few days ago, and I still remember every word and image in exquisite detail. I woke feeling emptied and exhausted, but opened wide. I'd been heard, and I'd been healed, by this mysterious tribe of my people in my dreams. They took a story I had that didn't serve me very well and said it over and over to show they heard me. Then, they told a new and truer story, and said it over and over until I could believe it.

I believe we all need people in our lives who will listen deeply to our story and then help us tell a new one. I read a fascinating account about a pod of whales that supported one of their own who was bleeding profusely. Unable to keep itself righted, the other whales nestled the wounded one between their bodies and took turns diving below and surfacing underneath it to right it when it slipped over too far. It made me think about my pod, the ones I can count on to right me when I'm bleeding or when I can't right myself.

Some of us have extensive pods made up of a large, supportive family and lots of dear friends, and some of us may have a pod of just a couple of people we know well enough. The size has no relevance, as long as you find that they help you tell the kinds of stories about yourself and the world that enlarge you, help you feel more courageous and whole.

Sometimes the people we surround ourselves with aren't able to provide this kind of support. Consider carefully who gets to belong to your pod. Do you trust them to tell you the truth with kindness? Can you rely on them to help you see more clearly? Do they help you see your strengths? The best people to have in our pods know how to do these things for us. While it may not always be comfortable to hear difficult truths about ourselves, we feel loved when people care enough to risk being that honest with us. And then, because we know they can tell the truth, we can believe them when they remind us of our excellent qualities, strengths, good points and successes.

What our pod people can also offer is perspective. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to remind you that your current feeling won't last, because time does heal. Or, someone can challenge our thinking by saying, "You might be making an assumption about what Mary is feeling. You need to ask her what she meant by that." Again, think about the people you let into you pod. Do you want to be surrounded by people who say, "Yeah, life sucks," or do you want your people who can remind you that life has both pain and beauty, and that even during the worst of times, there are things to be grateful for each day?

The most important thing is to actually let ourselves rely on our pod instead of bleeding away all alone, thinking we can fix ourselves just fine, thank you very much.

We need to take the risk to speak, to share what is in our hearts and minds. I firmly believe that hearing and telling our stories helps us all have more wisdom.

In my work with young people, we gather in circles over and over to talk - not just light conversation, but what they call, "real talk." We all walk away with something new that helps us on our journey. They help me understand myself more fully, and by telling my stories, I've done the same for them.

Keeping our stories to ourselves, not asking for help or letting ourselves rely on those around us, is an act of selfishness. We sometimes have the mistaken perception that sharing our sadness or pain creates a burden on others, when in fact, sharing allows others to feel the joy of helping us out in our tough times and to know they are not alone in their own pain.

Be in other people's pods, and let yourself rest in the care of your pod when you are hurting in turn. The whales know how to do this instinctively. We can learn from them.

Coaching Questions:

Who is in your pod? Do they provide the kind of support and care that sets you right?

Whose pods do you belong to? Do you give the kind of support that is honest, kind and empowering?

What steps will you take to strengthen your own pod? To become a stronger support for others when they need you?

New Leaf Transition and Adventure Coaching