Turning Over a New Leaf - Not Mine to Carry

Tyler Perry, Hollywood mogul and the first African American to own a movie studio, is speaking out at age 41 about the verbal, physical and sexual abuse he lived with as a child, and describing his journey towards healing and reclaiming his spirit. He hopes that by sharing his story, "other men will be encouraged to stand tall, speak out and begin to heal."

Perry appeared on The Oprah Show last week and spoke openly about the sexual abuse he suffered from people in his neighborhood and church, and the extreme verbal and physical abuse he endured from his father at home. Among other things, his father told him, "You have book sense, but no common sense. I can't believe how stupid you are."

I was instantly transfixed by these words because my father said those exact words to me. I grew up in a home where rage was expressed through alcoholism, hitting, yelling, name calling, mind games, and sexually abusive language, actions and touch. Like Perry, I had to learn to make sense of what happened to me as a child in order to have a healthy adult life.

Perry has come to understand his abuse in terms of being given "something to carry that I didn't want, that I didn't desire." I think this is an incredibly powerful and useful metaphor because it means we can find a way to set down what we were handed without our consent. As Perry says, "I was able to free myself and understand that even though this happened to me, it was not me."

He is quite clear that forgiving his father was critical for his own healing. He forgave his father because, "I had to." Perry knew that he had become bitter and began to be aware of how his bitterness was keeping him from creating loving, intimate relationships and success in his life. When he was 28, Perry confronted his father and said all the things he always wanted to say. He used what he calls "cleansing anger", as opposed to anger that is used to abuse others, to rip out what he had been carrying around for so long. "Everything, and I mean absolutely everything, changed after that."

Perry acknowledges that everyone is different in how they react to abuse and how they can come to forgive, so he is not trying to say that others should do what he did to free himself. He is saying that it is essential to find a way.

Perry explained that forgiveness does not mean that he maintains a personal relationship with his father. He is unwilling to continue to subject himself to the feelings that arise when he is in his father's presence. As Oprah put it, "I think that's really important to be clear that just because you forgive somebody does not mean that you now want to be around them." Although a personal relationship isn't possible for Perry, he does have peace and freedom in his heart as a result of forgiving his father and casting aside the baggage his father forced him to carry as a boy. He will not carry it anymore in his life as a man.

During the Fall Forgiveness retreat, I reflected on my own journey of forgiveness. Like Perry, I confronted my parents with my feelings about the abuse in my twenties and fully expected an apology of some kind. And like Perry, I didn't get an apology - only more abusive reactions. The act of bringing the secrets I'd been living with into the light, however, loosened the bonds of the past in a powerful way, and my healing and sense of peace grew steadily. I needed more time and strength, but I finally found a way to sincerely forgive my mother and father for the abuse a few years later. This act of forgiveness allowed me to cut what Perry calls "the puppet master's strings." I was free. I am free.

I was inspired to share my story by Perry's courage to show that you can be a strong, successful person while having a deeply vulnerable side, or a less than wonderful past - and that these issues can be talked about. As Joyce Rupp, writer and spiritual leader, explains, "People gain so much hope when they know they are not experiencing something alone." The reason for talking about past abuse is not to place blame or bid for sympathy, but to allow people who have similar experiences to know that there is hope, and that forgiveness is the bridge between bitterness and freedom.

For at some point, we need to assume responsibility for ourselves and not blame the past anymore. At some point, we make a choice to live free...or die.

I believe that bitterness creates suffering and pain that can make us emotionally and physically ill. At the very least, bitterness robs life of joy, happiness and peace. My father died in his early 60's, and I believe that his own pain and suffering played a role in his illness and death.

I've always had an overwhelming desire to find a better way to live. This desire led to my seeking out inspirational teachers, mentors, coaches and counselors. With the help of many, I was able to free myself, become healthy and happy, and let my irrepressible optimism be the driving force in my life rather than the pain of the past.

At the same time, I am who I am because of my past. The same strength it took to make it through my childhood is the same strength I bring to my life as a friend, sister, educator, businesswoman, coach, partner, and woman. Oprah asked Perry, "What do you feel you owe your younger self?" and he replied, "My life. He gave birth to the man I am. I owe him to live the best life I can. I owe him to use my life and my words and my work to encourage, to inspire."

You may read this story and find yourself in it, and you may wonder if you'll ever be able to forgive. As Oprah says, "You mean I have to suffer the abuse, and then I have to forgive, too?" Forgiving others, and forgiving ourselves, is rarely complete in a single act, in a single moment. I have found that it is a choice that I make over and over again, and I had to do a lot of hard personal work to even arrive at the place of forgiveness. As they say, every journey starts with a single step, but every journey is also made up of steps we take again and again. The following exercises can be a first step toward forgiveness, or a reminder of how to keep choosing to lay down what is not ours to carry.

Coaching Exercises

Find a quiet place and time to guide yourself through the following:

1) Imagine yourself with your arms cradled as if to hold a baby. What are you carrying in your arms that was given to you to hold by someone else, that you no longer want to carry? Imagine yourself lovingly and gently laying what you no longer wish to carry on the ground, or releasing each burden into a stream and watching it float away from you.

2) Imagine yourself from three feet away, looking inside your body. What is weighing down on your heart, lodged between your shoulder blades, or stuck in your gut? Imagine yourself lovingly reaching in and taking hold of what you see that you no longer want to be part of you. Imagine yourself holding each one with gentle hands, whispering "Thank you and good-bye," as you toss each one into the wind to be carried away.

3) Make a list of the ways that past hurts or abuse have been made into strengths in your life. For example, you may have a deep sense of empathy for others. You may be a dedicated volunteer in your community or committed to service in some way. How have roses bloomed out of the dark places in your life?

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If you have suffered abuse, there are a number of resources to help you. You can speak to your physician and ask for a referral for counseling, or you can contact the following organizations. They will help whether your abuse was recent or decades in the past.

RAINN: Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network

Anonymous Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

www.rainn.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)