Watching the Waters
One of my favorite books in the whole world is Maya Angelou's, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now. I don't know how many times I've turned to it to be reminded of what I know to be true when I forget, to be comforted when I hurt, and to have the courage to do what I need to do.
Dr. Angelou writes about unkindness in her essay, "Brutality is Definitely Not Acceptable." I remember watching The Oprah Winfrey Show in the late 1980's and hearing Dr. Angelou say that what harms us more than the overwhelming, large tragedies of life are the little bites of meanness that happen to us each day. She said it was as if we were being eaten alive one small bite at a time - the passing insult, the condescending tone, the roll of the eyes, the compliment with a sting buried just below the surface.
Like the proverbial frog boiled in water, we can become desensitized to these small hurts from someone until we don't even know why we feel sad, defensive or disconnected. This is why she writes, "Certain phrases excite and alarm me. That is, when I hear them, I respond as if I smelled gas escaping in an enclosed room." She goes on to say that when she detects meanness in the room, she escapes immediately without having to think about it, or if escape is impossible, she reacts defensively. She states, "...I know that each of us must care enough for ourselves to be ready and able to come to our own self-defense."
Her essay reminds me of the time I was given a verse from the bible by a former flame's mother. We were having a tumultuous on-again-off-again affair, and I was in turmoil since at the time, I thought he was the love of my life. In a gesture of supreme kindness, she copied down this verse and gave it to me: "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." (NASB, Proverbs 4:23) After we finally broke up for good, I taped that scrap of paper to the wall by my bedside and read it as often as I needed to, which was probably around 57 times a day. One day, I realized I didn't need to read it anymore. It was engraved in my heart, and I had healed.
Since then, I've tried to be vigilant and keep the well of my heart from being muddied. I have not always met with success. There have been times when my desire for a relationship to succeed led me to ignore my instinct to come to my own self-defense. I've let small drops of unkindness fall in unchecked over time, until I realized that I'd let my clear, clean wellspring become cloudy with sorrow.
I believe we let this happen to us for several reasons. We may wish to give the benefit of the doubt to people we love or want to love, or to people we don't know well yet. We don't want to be accused of being judgmental or critical. Or, we don't want to lose a relationship or create tension in our families.
However, as Dr. Angelou emphatically states, we need to be our own best guardians. We must not allow brutes to enter the rooms of our hearts, throw the furniture around, then blame us for the mess.
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Coaching Questions and Ideas:
1) Where are you tolerating unkindness in your life? What assertive action will you take to remedy the situation?
2) Observe your words and actions this week. Are they life-affirming, or do they take small bites out of other people?
3) Consciously pour out cups of kindness from your own springs of life for others - and yourself! Remember that the well of your heart isn't limited but infinite.
Copyright January, 2010: Jennifer Wilson, New Leaf Coaching and Consulting
