Carole Ann Rice LogoThe Wit and Wisdom Newsletter
The newsletter that puts the glide back in your stride
The  Real Coaching Co.

It's Not Me, It's You        
No 88               


What they said about last month's newsletter...   

"This is fantastic, thank you" Emma King
"Honest and refreshing, like a breath of fresh air" Keeley Buston 

  

Hi there!  

Jean Paul Sartre said that hell is other people and anyone who has stood on the Underground amid a sea of steaming, rain-soaked coats wafting up your nose and MP3 leakage worming in your ear will know that the Piccadilly line at 8am is a one-way, cattle cart to Old Nick's playground.

 

But just as no man or woman is an island we are sociable beasts who need a mate or a life partner to make us mashed potato and give us foot massages when the going gets tough. We are often defined by our relationships, the people we chose to love or to call friends and that connection makes us feel good, "got" and grateful.

 

Well, that's the theory anyway. In reality relationships between lovers, relatives and friends, instead of being a bed of roses, can feel like you are swimming in a shark-infested, primal swamp. How did it get that people we like and love can be so, well, darn difficult?

 

How can I break this to you? Some people aren't who we think they are. Now there's no need to feel uncomfortable and, in fact, if you are it could be because you suspect a member of the family, partner, boss or pal may have some other agenda you can't quite work out but it's creating some mighty mischief for you.

 

Here's a quick test to see if someone near you might be playing with a loaded deck:

 

  • You feel drained after being with them.
  • Your words are often manipulated, twisted or willfully misunderstood
  • You feel as though you or your needs can be neither seen or heard
  • It's always your fault - even when it isn't
  • You feel like the nasty bully all the time (even though you've done nothing) - this then forcing you into the role of the "rescuer"
  • Past events retold bear little relation to the truth

 

Sound familiar? Is that you shuddering or your phone vibrating as Mr X or Ms Y wants to know where you are 24/7? Stick with it I have some news for you.

 

When It's Them

 

The Narcissist

magic mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all, doesn't cover it because there is only one answer in their world, so why ask? The Narcissist sees the world, as it revolves around them, as nothing but an extension of themselves.  

 

All roads and conversations lead to them. Their needs are paramount, their shaky egos need permanent massaging and they lack the empathy gene so badly it hurts (everyone else but themselves - ouch!).

 

A common complaint of clients who have relationships with narcissists are "I think I am going mad" as the solipsistic other half has a Teflon coating when it comes to blame and responsibility. They are perfect it's you with the issue. In fact sometimes you seem so invisible to them you start to wonder if you even really exist.

 

Here is a little film to give you a bit more context  

Dealing With A Narcissist: Emotional Freedom in Action
Dealing With A Narcissist: Emotional Freedom in Action

 

Passive Aggressive

A PA is likely to say mildly "Why are you getting so angry?" when you've begged, cajoled and spelt it out in countless considerate ways your needs, wants or how to be loved. They are known for their great ability to shut down and shut you out, put up an impenetrable wall, withhold love and the words you want to hear (all part of their armoury) and feign complete innocence no matter how much you go on (oh and you will) to get them to stop resisting and start being real.

Passive Aggressive 

Terrified of revealing their true selves the PA has built up a wall to hide behind and they cover it in butter so you slide down it every time you try to get close to them. Common cries from clients dealing with a passive aggressive is "I don't know what I am doing wrong".

 

When It's You

Sorry but this newsletter isn't just about pointing out the bad guys, slapping ourselves across the forehead with a "gee, so that's what it's all about" get-out clause. Sadly the big news is that we do play an equal role in the relationship we have with others and for this we must be responsible.

 

Someone with a damaged psychic wifi will seek out ways in which to play out their issues with "receivers" and it's down to us to have healthy self esteem, strong boundaries and a high sense of self worth to stop this happening.

 

This is not an easy process, say, if one of your parents was the narcissist or you are madly in love with a passive aggressive. But the first step is knowing what is their issue, what is yours and how it shows up between you both. Does that help?

 

If you would like to get more support with your relationships or help overhaul your self esteem then please contact me for a free 30 minute session. Email me now caroleann@realcoachingco.com

Dates with Destiny    

 

Thursday 12 July - Business Breakfast 

If you are in business the antidote to networking has to be the Business Breakfast which is where like-minded people meet in the superbly elegant surroundings of the St Stephen's Club, St James's Park and connect in style.

 

On Thursday 12th July top coach Susan Tomlinson and I will be presenting Working Hard But Getting Nowhere ? - real tips on how to go up a level and beyond in your business http://breakfastjuly2012.eventbrite.com  

 

Tuesday 17 July - Fabulous Women 

I am delighted to be part of the line up of speakers for the Fabulous Women event - Ealing 17th July. It looks to be a great night for a brilliant cause - find our more here http://www.fabulous-women.co.uk/my-events/viewevent/43-an-evening-for-fabulous-women-ealing.html

Wednesday 19 September - Media Mastery  

Ever wanted to get you or your business featured in the press? A little bit of you die when you see a competitor grabbing all the headlines? I have had over 20 years experience in print media my Media Mastery Workshop will tell you everything you need to know about harnessing the power of the press.

 

The next event is Wednesday 19th September 10am-1pm and is held in Kew. For more details and to ensure a place (it sold out quick last time) please book here http://mediamastery19sep.eventbrite.co.uk

 

Friday 28 September - Everything You Need to Know About Being a Successful Coach  

Are you a coach but your practice is lean on clients? Or perhaps you are seriously thinking about re-training to become a coach? Before you do take your place on Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being A Successful Coach - 1 day course Friday 28th September, Kew.  

 

Here I reveal all my strategies on how to get and keep clients as well as all the insider scoop on what you need to do to make your business profitable and abundant. Spaces limited and for early bird bookings book here http://lifecoachcourse28sep.eventbrite.co.uk

 

And finally

I would to sincerely thank all of you who responded to my last newsletter on vulnerability and that embarrassing fact of sharing my dream of being the UK's Oprah. Your support, kindness and validation made me feel, well, famous! In the meantime I have had a bit of television presenting training and out of the blue was asked to do a slot on Sky's www.chrissybshow.tv  which was cool.

 

Will keep you posted.



Ruby WaxQuote of the Month
 

 

"Know thyself"
Socrates

 

"Shop well" - Ruby Wax 

  

 

 
 

 

 

Have a powerful week

 

    

Your Coach

Carole Ann

  

PS Don't forget to read my Happy Monday column each week in the Daily Express  

   

 Follow me on Twitter 
@CaroleAnnRice

 

This month...
It's Not Me, It's You
Dates with Destiny
Quote of the Month

Networking for Women   

ladies at 11
Meet First Friday of the month 

Quick Links

Carole Ann

CAR - 2012

Carole Ann is an award winning journalist, media consultant and high profile coach, with over 6 years' coaching experience with private clients and major organisations such as the London School of Economics and Play England. 

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