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Dear
Are you so laid back you are horizontal? Is it that you are so in the flow you make the Orinoco look sluggish? You so like to fit in, your middle name's "jigsaw"? Welcome to the world of the people pleaser. A place where everyone's happy and most of all you.
But what's that? Secretly you are frustrated, angry and isolated? Why is it that people don't understand your needs when you are constantly looking after theirs? Take note, people pleasing can be hazardous to your well being.
Are you a People Pleaser? Take this test:
- Do you worry inordinately about what people think of you?
- Would you rather bite your tongue and "go with the flow" than say what you really want?
- Do you sometimes feel low, misunderstood, resentful or powerless in situations which deep down you know are of your own making?
- Do other people seem to be having more fun than you?
- Do you beat yourself up wishing you'd said and done something ages ago which you can't get out of your head now?
On the surface you are an easy-going sort. The kind of friendly person we can rely on to drop us off at the airport at 4am, mind the fort and call on for little favours.
But beneath that calm and placid exterior there's someone a little more edgy. Someone who is riddled with self-doubt, who is living in fear, feels isolated and alone and who doesn't like themselves very much at all, despite their "good guy" persona. You certainly aren't your own best friend.
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The Inauthentic you |
Given that you say or do the "right thing" to please others, is it any wonder then that most folk don't really know you? Sadly, it is common for People Pleasers to harbor the destructive belief that deep down they are not good enough, that they may be unlikeable or worst still, unlovable; no wonder over-compensating seems a good way to cover up this insidious, and entirely illogical fear.
If you've ever played down a success in order to not offend, create bad feeling or be "liked", you will know that playing small serves no one. And isn't it exhausting?
As one People Pleaser I coached confessed, "being nice is being dishonest" and of course this will have consequences. Relationships which are hard to get off the ground in the first place will always be built on the misperception that you are someone else. |
| The Pleasing Yourself Programme |
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Here are some thoughts and coaching questions to consider starting to please less and be YOU more:
- You are not telling the truth to people when you say you like one thing but believe another
- People Pleasers can morph into dogsbodies
- When you suppress your feelings you create low self-esteem and your confidence dips
- What is a short term palliative becomes a long term pain
- People who do speak up are respected and given greater leeway
- You are always in integrity with yourself and others when you are being authentic - that means REAL
- Making a habit of attracting "user" friends and abuser partners is not healthy no matter which way you look at it
- It's OK to be you. Enjoy yourself. Others will follow
- The opposite of being a People Pleaser isn't being an arrogant bighead. Rest assured, you will never reach this status. Aim for quietly assertive.
Ask yourself:
- What am I really scared about people knowing about me?
- How would my life be different if being me was enough, at all times and in all ways?
- How can I drop "looking good" from my lexicon of default positions?
- What will the consequences be if I don't express my needs/opinions?
- Does it matter that I can't please all of the people all of the time and should I bother?
- What is the real pay-off for staying stuck this way?
- What's the cost of needing to be liked?
Being real and being in integrity with yourself, your needs and emotions will make you more not less attractive to others. You owe it to yourself to step into your own brilliance. When you do you'll find you'll develop a fan club that want to honour and please YOU! How cool is that?
I have even more thoughts, coaching notes and further information on this subject which I am happy to email to people who would like to book a 30 minute session (on me). Book it now by emailing caroleann@realcoachingco.com |
| A Summer You'll Never Forget |
We all look back and can remember landmark summers. The fleeting aroma of suntan lotion, the scent of a dew-drenched rose or the strains of reggae tune that teleports you back to good times. Perhaps a summer romance still has you gazing into the mid-distance by the photocopier.
How about making this summer one to remember? Could summer 2009 be The One? The summer you stopped making sandcastles in the clouds but made your big dream happen right now? Or simply the summer you felt more confident, let go of the past or allowed yourself to be the real you.
I am offering 3 half hour coaching sessions for £99 (usually £105) to be taken within a four week period between now and September.
To book my coaching summer camp just email me now with Summer Coach Camp in the subject box. Let's start making meaningful memories together.
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| Other News |
My esteemed friend the leadership and business guru John Purkiss is appearing at Brent Cross Borders on 11th July at 1pm to talk about his amazing new book Brand You. If you have ever wanted to leave a lasting impression on others, both professionally and personally, this is the tome for you. Turn your talents into a winning formula and discover your life's purpose among these informative pages.
Make a date in your diary now.
Brand You: Turn Your Unique Talents into a Winning Formula
by John Purkiss by Artesian Publishing LLP
Paperback 
List Price: £9.99
Our Price: £8.99 Buy Now
Style icons and fashionistas check out the amazing online personal stylist website www.istylista.com which has some of the most sumptuous fashions known to womankind plus real and practical styling guides to help you look your very best. Oh, and read my smart new coaching column on there too. |
| Spiritual Chocolate |
Ever wanted what he/she ordered? Ever wished you could have more happiness/confidence/luck? Try acting "as if" you already were or had those things. Try it right now and see how it feels. Did you just hear that wolf whistle?? |
| Quote of the Month |
"Named must be your fear be before banish it you can" - Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back |
