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When should I tell my child that he has autism?
As a clinical psychologist and RDI® consultant, I'm often asked by parents if and when they should tell their child about his autism spectrum disorder. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. The first thing I usually do is to make sure the parents understand the diagnosis and work through their own feelings about it. Only then can we determine if the child is truly ready to hear about the diagnosis based on age, developmental level, ability to comprehend, and ability to tolerate the sometimes uncomfortable feelings that this discussion may cause. If the parents have not yet accepted the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder and are still going through their own grieving process, they could convey their worry and upset to their child. For example, I knew one child who came out of this family discussion fearing that he was terminally ill.
The timing of the discussion is also important. I generally recommend that parents think about having this talk only when the child begins to comment that he is struggling in social situations because he is "different" from the other children. Once the child notices these differences, the parents can use that as a springboard to discuss the diagnosis. I have found that children often feel a sense of relief when they realize their parents actually understand what they have been going through.
When done in a loving, empathic manner, the disclosure of the diagnosis can actually bring the family closer while helping to alleviate the child's anxiety about "what's wrong with me". That is why it is very important to emphasize the child's strengths along with his weaknesses. For example, a parent may start with "You have an excellent memory for spelling and other facts" or "you are a whiz with math" and then follow with "but you have a hard time making friends, don't you?". That can lead to helpful talk about how the autistic brain can get in the way of making and keeping friends. For example, the parent may say, "Sometimes you have a problem listening to what other people have to say. Instead, you talk about what is important to you. But friends like it when you show you are also interested in them."
Throughout this discussion, the parent must reassure the child that the parent is there to help him deal with these difficult situations. So when done properly, this first talk can pave the way for more conversations as the child continues to have more questions. In future talks, not only can the parent talk more about autism but, depending on the child's age and level of development, the parent can also provide reading material and other information to help the child understand the situation better.
Some helpful resources that I have used with families include the interactive workbook What Does It Mean To Me? By Catherine Faherty and Gary Mesibov and a paper written by Barbara Kirby, which can be found on the O.A.S.I.S. (Online Asperger Syndrome Information and Support) Please click on O.A.S.I.S and you will be linked to their website.
Lisa Cheyette, PhD |
