I can be Mum,
and I can be ME! Leymen Thursday Feb 16th 9-11am CHF60
If you are struggling to rediscover your own identity aside from being Mum, this workshop is for you!
We start with a positive view of being Mum, and then add in what it means (or would mean) to also feel like yourself again. Not necessarily your new self - but a new self which incorporates the best of everything you are.
It's time to focus on your own identity and personal development. You already spend enough time enabling your family to develop!
This fun, supportive and positive workshop will help you explore this topic in a safe and confidential environment.
Please contact me on kirstin@alivetochange.com if you'd like to sign up or find out more.
I have two more workshops in March, Confidence for Mums, and Coaching Skills for Mums. Please let me know if you'd like more information. Further details too in March's Roots and Wings.
Please forward to anyone who might be interested.
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Making Friends
The top ten tips I learnt in the pub!
I met a lady in the pub the other night. She was fairly new in Basel, and had a pretty clear strategy for making friends out here. I have used my editor's discretion to adapt her approach to getting to know people.
1. Talk to everyone. (this is why she talked to me, I guess).
2. Invite people you like to do more. Like coffee. Like lunch. She did get some funny looks, but learnt to get over it!
3. Go to places and events where other people will be. There's always something on. Get out there. Attend.
4. People can grow on you! We sometimes don't give people a second chance because of a first impression that has gone horribly wrong. I've certainly learnt not to trust my first, and sometimes my second and third impressions.
5. Trust your first impressions. Sound contrary? If you connect with someone, follow your instinct!
6. Be friendly to everyone (within reason). A warm smile, a friendly hello, polite small talk. What you put out, you often get back! And if you don't, you often feel better just by smiling anyway.
7. Get involved in something that involves people. This might be a sport, a club, a special interest group. Taking on a role can also give you a reason to talk to and get to know people. Going regularly means you get to see the same people often.
8. Be there. And I don't 'just mean "turn up". When you are talking to someone, don't go looking over their shoulder to see if there is someone more interesting on the horizon.
9. Don't take it personally. Things change, plans change, people have bad days. You can do your bit, but if other people don't respond in the way you'd like, that's probably their thing rather than yours, so don't let it drag you down.
10. Enjoy yourself. You might be really stretching yourself out of your comfort zone, you might find it hard to push yourself out there and keep smiling, you might really not want to make that first move. But if you can find some way of enjoying it and making fun for you - you'll discover unexpected connections, inspiring people and, hidden away where you least expect them, your future firm friends.
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What? February already?
I find myself suddenly surprised to be writing Roots and Wings February when I don't really feel I've got to grips with January yet. Time seems to rush by so quickly. Or is it just me?
But when I get time to consider, I realise that perhaps it is really me, and not time who is rushing by quickly. After all, seconds, minutes, hours and days probably last exactly the same amount of "time" as before.
After a frantic few days racing around which leave me breathless and exhausted, I take time out or time off to recover. And before I jump back in or on, I'm starting to wonder, am I only counting doing time as real time? Is down time somehow second class, inferior quality time?
So, whereas my resolution for January was all about action (spending 15 minutes a day clearing out the spare room), my theme for February is going to be more about slowing down and taking my time.
And so far, so good! I'm discovering that the activities that are important to you have a certain talent for fitting into the time you make available to them.
If you are starting to feel you really don't have time to take your time, why not rethink how you spend your time? What is most important? If you can put you, your sanity and your health somewhere near the top of your list, make sure you're enjoying the time these need. Or should I say the time YOU need.
I hope it is a fabulous and fantastic February, however you spend your time.
best wishes
Kirstin
www.alivetochange.com
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Friends
When we first discussed our move abroad with the girls, Tina (then 5 years old) wondered aloud "but what will you do for friends, Mummy?". She pondered awhile, then confidently declared "I know, you can be friends with my friends' mums".
For young children, friends can simply be people who spend time with you. So for Tina at that time, it really did seem that simple!
As we grow older, however, friends are so much more than simply people with whom to spend time.
As we grow older, our needs change. It's great to have casual acquaintances to say "Hi" to and to pass the time of day with. We still like to have people in our circle we can hang out with and have fun with, or perhaps share an interest or two. But we also look for a few people in whom we can trust and to whom we can open up.
These are the people who seem to understand, accept and even value our unique personality. People who are prepared to go the extra mile for you, and for whom you'd be happy to do the same. People you actively look forward to seeing. People who are there not just in times of celebration, or everyday, but the difficult times too. People who know there's something wrong and are happy either to know, or not to know what it is.
As a Mum abroad, or in fact as an anyone abroad, we need friends more than ever, especially at the beginning in our early days. We may find that our previous friends don't totally understand what we are going through. We may crave fun company near where we are. We need the support and connection that can help us settle in, learn to love and make the most of our lives where we are, handle all those problems we have dealing with our wonderful children. And so on. Remote friends can be fantastic. There is the phone. The internet. Face time. All that stuff. But none of that actually replaces a real life hug when you're feeling tearful, or catching someone's eye and having a huge belly laugh.
So then we have to go about "making" friends. It sounds like a craft project, doesn't it? First, take two people in the same situation. Then make them into friends. Simple!
All of us who have been or who are going through this process know that it is not as simple as that. Developing a strong friendship is usually a very gradual process, lasting weeks, months, years.
Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit. But when we first move to a new life abroad, we don't have time for our friendships to slowly ripen like fruit. We need them straight away. After all, it is the early days and weeks and months which prove the most difficult in many respects.
If we feel brave enough, we all know how to accelerate this process - it's exactly the same as we advise our children! Join a club, volunteer in a group, invite someone round, throw a party, accept invitations, get involved, be helpful to other people, smile and be friendly, ask questions, be open and be yourself . . . !
Although we often know what we can do to help ourselves, it can feel like a major effort to do this over the time required. It is a big stretch out of our comfort zones at a time we may already feel uncomfortable. We may feel rejected, left out, or misunderstood. We may feel that we are making all the effort. We don't all enjoy putting ourselves out there and socialising! We crave easy "old friend" company.
And it will come. It's important to look at the progress made, not the distance to go. One of the things that tends to happen after this early phase is that you settle into a friendship routine - and then, if you're not careful, you find yourself meeting fewer and fewer new people. This is of course a more stable "comfortable" situation - but also one not necessarily to sit back and accept.
One of the things that life in a transient society has taught us is that this work of making friends is never over. We cannot sit back in complacency and say "that's it, I now have all the friends I need". We know there is a chance that our close friends, those who have been beside us through thick and thin, will head off to pastures new. We know we may move on at some point and need to keep our "making friends" muscles working. This by no means devalues the precious friends we do have. We may find ourselves simply in a new situation as we or our children grow, and have need for a new kind of interaction with or support from people.
Ultimately, it is possible, and necessary, to enjoy and value the company and support of a wide range of people, without needing them to become friends.
However, when it comes down to it, I'm sure many of us would swap the widest circle of connections for just a couple of close, reliable, nearby friends. Challenge is, we can't often get to the second without creating the first.
But, let's be honest, we Mums have a certain advantage in the getting acquainted stakes. Our kids!! Tina was absolutely right. So if we are feeling a little nervous of getting out there, we can always hide behind our children!!
A huge thank you to all those Mums out there who have opened their homes, hands and hearts to me, and to others, as we build ourselves a new life abroad.
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
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