|
Roots and Wings
For Mums, wherever you are!
| March 2011 |
|
 |
|
A very warm welcome to the March issue of Roots and Wings - this month I'm focusing on Confidence, a topic that I am sure is close to all of our hearts, whether for ourselves or for our children.
Confidence is a CAN DO kind of feeling. It is going into something with the feeling that you will be able to do it / learn how to do it / handle it / get better at it / enjoy it / overcome it . . . and so on. You'll all be able to think of many examples of things in your life you feel confident about. Many we now take for granted - such as walking, talking, reading and writing, which are all hugely complicated activities. But everything we can now do with confidence is something we have learnt through a gradual, "little bit at a time" kind of process.
Along the way, we also discover things that we don't feel confident about. Some of these are small and have no major effect on our lives. Some, however, are pretty significant, and can involve us in some complicated workarounds or avoidance strategies which use up our energy, add work, and, frankly, stop us enjoying certain parts of our lives.
So what is it that kills off our confidence? What can we do to grow more confident feelings? And what can you do if you want to do more work on your confidence? Read on - and find out!
Kirstin Barton
Alive to Change
*****************************************************************************************
|
|
Where does our confidence come from?  Imagine you are a 1 year old, just learning to walk. Everyone around you wants you to learn to walk. Each day you practice in one way or another, cruising across the furniture, holding someone's hand, pushing your trolley along. Eventually, you take one or two independent steps, and WAHAY, everyone's around you, there's an air of celebration, it's all WOW, what an achievement. Just one step. And from there on in, for the next few weeks, each time you take a few steps, they are accompanied by a rousing chorus of cheers, or at least a "hey, look at YOU". And you feel good, and you clap your hands, beam proudly, and you feel you can do anything (including the stairs forwards, the climb to the kitchen cupboard etc etc). Somehow, all that massive support, encouragement and recognition starts to fade over time. We learn to do new stuff on our own, even though it is hard, it is a steep learning curve, and it is one small step at a time. If we are lucky, we have someone looking out for us doing well - our parents, our friends, our teachers - but over time we learn to do this on our own. We become our own cheerleaders, and learn to deal with set backs and challenges. Over time, we discover things that we feel we are good at and enjoy doing, and we pursue them. It becomes a virtuous cycle - we enjoy it, we do more of it, we get better at it, it feels easier and more rewarding, we do more of it. On the other hand, sometimes something happens that causes us to form a belief about ourself that is more negative and unhelpful. A dropped ball at a crucial point in the game might lead to a "I'm no good at ball games" thought, leading to a negative feeling, leading to not wanting to join in, leading to not getting any practice, leading to not getting any better. A vicious circle - and one which can often prevent us, even as adults, in avoiding the things we don't feel confident in. And we can't ever get or feel any better about them by avoiding them!
***************************************************************************************** |
What can kill our confidence?  Our confidence can be dented by so many different things, some major, and some apparently tiny. For example: * Feeling we are being criticised - negative feedback * Feeling we are not making progress * Being laughed at or made fun of * Comparing ourselves (unfavorably) to others * Getting something "wrong" - especially if this is in public * Not getting positive feedback when we need or expect it * Not feeling able to cope (with a problem, with a heavy workload) * A new situation that we feel uncertain about * A situation outside of our comfort zone * Other people's negative experiences * A significantly unpleasant experience (eg an accident) and much much more.
What dents your confidence? Knowing what to watch out for can be a good first step in working out how to grow more confident.
And although, for dramatic purposes, I've used the term "killing" confidence, I don't mean that! I don't believe that our confidence is ever killed off. I think we can lose access to our confident feelings, temporarily - and I certainly believe that we can, when we are ready to, work to bring our confidence back again. ******************************************************************************************* |
Confidence Growers  There are many things that can work when we want to build our confidence - either for a particular occasion or challenge, or more generally. Here are a few ideas to try: * Break down a big challenge into a smaller steps, and tackle one at a time. Remember the process of learning to walk! Master one step at a time. Take it at your pace. * Start a list of "I can ...." and fill a page. Then turn over and fill the other side. * Find a belief you already have that you can use to help you. Avoid going round in circles with "I'm no good at . . . " - if this is holding you back, think more widely about what you are trying to do. Where in your life do you have a belief that would help you move forward? * Remember past successes and how you worked towards these and made these happen. Write down the skills and capabilities you demonstrated.
* Think of one particular time when you felt really confident. What was happening? What were you doing? Bring the experience back to life and remember those confident feelings. Remember that it was you who had this confidence. It hasn't gone away - it's just waiting to be reawakened. * Spend time with people who are good at giving positive feedback and encouragement. Ask them to catch you doing well! * Catch yourself doing well - each day, look out for things you do well that you may be overlooking and taking for granted. * Anticipate situations where you usually feel less confident, and come up with a plan in advance. What can you do to feel more comfortable? Who can help you? * Find things that make you feel good - a piece of music, a dance, a run around the block, a special outfit, a certain perfume, a photo, whatever works for you. When you know you need extra confidence, try one or more of these to give you a feel good boost. There are professional interventions which can help you tackle challenges of confidence and self belief. Coaching can help, as can hypnotherapy, Emotional Freedom Technique and a whole host of other things. If you're fed up of working around a lack of confidence and self belief in your life and want to tackle it - why not find out more about the different approaches available and find out what would work for you? **********************************************************************************************
|
|
This short(ish) newsletter can only really scratch the surface of what is a huge topic and often a huge challenge for us. I've oversimplified it, of course, but I hope it kicks off some helpful thoughts and ideas for you. Please email me and let me know what works for you in growing confidence, and I can share these with others who may need this help too.
If you'd like to learn more about building self belief and growing in confidence, why not sign up to BELIEVE - my new e-programme of coaching inspiration. It is an email that will arrive every Saturday morning for 5 weeks from 12th March, and will contain exercises, ideas and inspiration designed to help you build confidence where you need it. There is no need to send anything back to me during the programme - it is "help yourself" coaching! However, I am always here as a backup if required. The programme is currently being offered free while I am developing this Dream-Believe-Act series - I'd like your feedback though if you do try it! Just email me on kirstin@alivetochange.com.
I hope you enjoy an amazing March, whatever you're up to!
all the best,
Kirstin
Alive to Change
Please forward this to anyone you know who might enjoy or benefit from it. THANK YOU! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
Alive to Change
Specials |
Saturday 12th March: FREE e-coaching programme of inspiration for 5 weeks - titled BELIEVE. This programme is all about building the self belief and confidence to go for your dreams - or to tackle something new in your life. Email me by Friday 11th March to get on the distribution list!
Monday 21st March 2011, 9-11: Workshop lite focusing on DREAMING! Kick off the Spring in style by reawakening your dreams. Whether you've already worked on the E-programme "Dream" or not, this positive, practical and informal workshop will help you start to imagine an inspiring dream to work towards.
APRIL: We will find a day in the first half of April for a special Workshop Lite on CONFIDENCE. Email me on kirstin@alivetochange.com if you are interested and the times you are free and I will find a time most people can make - or have two events if required. This session will focus on how to grow confidence, in a positive and supportive environment.
1-1 Confidence Workshop: Based on my group confidence workshop, this 2 hour workshop is tailored for you and your situation. Delivered face to face (near Basel) or over the phone, we explore how you can build your confidence, and you leave with your own action plan to ensure you can take away what we discover in the workshop and apply it in your life. It is private, confidential, and taken at your pace. Please contact me for pricing and availability. | | www.alivetochange.com |
|
|
|
