While out walking this week, I noticed a tree which was completely green apart from one small leaf which had turned a gorgeous russet red. Further on, a golden brown leaf toppled past me as it twisted down to the ground. These are the early signs of autumn - a change which will soon envelope the whole of each tree, and spread right over the whole of the woods.

 

These early turning leaves are like the advance party, little signs that something is changing round here. It is like that with people too. I feel lucky that I get to notice this happening in my work with clients. A word here, an action there, some subtle turning point achieved. Little steps forward which accumulate into a more significant step change.

 

As Mums, we regularly spot these first signs of change in our children. The first time a hand is raised to later become a wave, the first sounds that become words, the first time your child walks to school themself . . . and the first call at midnight asking for a lift! How well do we notice the signs of change in ourselves though - or recognise when something needs to change - and when we do, what that something is?

 

Sometimes when things are changing, we forget to notice too that many things (our roots and branches, so to speak) are staying the same. We notice what is new and different and not what is constant. Remembering (or finding out) what nourishes and grounds us is important when we face change.

 

You might have realised by now that this Autumn issue of Roots and Wings explores change. Forced change, change we bring about ourselves, and the natural changes that emerge for ourselves, our children and our families. It is a big topic, and I've only scratched the surface of something  that really fascinates me.  I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it!

 

Wishing you and your family a colourful time this Autumn,

 

Kirstin

This is the real life equivalent to the tree losing its leaves overnight - like after a storm. This is news like a redundancy, a relocation, a relationship breakdown, a sudden death - anything you're not prepared for. 

If we see ourselves as trees, then our children are saplings, who we protect underneath our canopy from the extremes of the weather. What then if we lose our own leaves and can no longer offer this same protection?

The big challenge for parents is not only to manage their own response to these changes, but also to work out how to enable their children to deal with whatever has come about.

Of course we cannot protect our children from external change, much as we might like, and we cannot stop these external changes from happening. Our only control is over our response and in enabling our children to respond in their natural way too. There is a cycle that follows the shock of sudden change, and even though some people go through the stages more quickly than others, we need to allow ourselves time to just be in each stage. Our children too.

Professional help and much support is out there too if we feel stuck at any point, or if we cannot see a way through this cycle.

When you're bringing about a change in your life, progress can sometimes feel terribly slow. Consider dieting, or marathon training, renovating our homes, or seeking a change in behaviour from our children - each requires ongoing attention, one step at a time.

It is important that we look for those early signs of change  - such as the first turning leaf, and then the next, and the next. These are what signal to us that we are on the right track, that we need to keep going, and that we will get there. Too often we fail to spot these signs, and get demotivated, sometimes giving up before we've even got going.

We need to build these little changes into habits, which can take at least 21 days to form - sometimes longer if these are not everyday actions. While you're in this early phase, each repetition feels significant and requires conscious effort. After a while, you forget to notice that you're doing the new habit - and it is happening automatically.

If we find it difficult to form new habits, then so can our children. Think how many times you have needed to remind them to brush their teeth over the years. Children find it easier to commit to a new behaviour or habit if they have chosen it themselves - so engage them in the process, giving choices if they are small, and leaving it open if they are ready to explore lots of ideas. Ask them what you can do to help as they establish these new habits. Notice the signs of change - and help them to notice them too. Help your children to see their progress on a regular basis, perhaps make it visual on a chart or calendar.

If you are trying to change something in your life, perhaps your children can help you too - if you share what you are looking to do. If appropriate, ask for their help and input. Involving children in the process of changing habits can inspire them to look at their own, and can help them see how to go about making positive changes in their lives. And if your children are not the right people to support you - look for the support you need from friends, family, colleagues - or someone who is going through the same change.

As Mums, we've already experienced the most incredible change we can as humans - that of conceiving and bringing a new life into the world. Just like all change, your experience of this is unique. Throughout the parenting cycle, you will experience different emotions, choices and challenges, some expected and others a total surprise, however much you read!

It can feel strangely sad as our children change and grow up. We look back at "easier" or "happier" times and wish we were still there. We can also feel the same about ourselves. We may look back at ourselves in our younger days and feel nostalgic for those times. If only we were .... again (25, size 10, wrinkle free etc etc). This is like wishing it is Summer when we are in the full colour of Autumn - we are in danger of missing the amazing colours because we don't like the temperamental changes in weather.

As our children change, so must we. We need to spot the signs that something is changing, and prepare ourselves to evolve ourselves in our role as Mum. Our role as Mum changes so much from the early fully on caregiver, to incorporate a whole raft of other responsibilities and expectations too. Eventually we know we will need to let go and enable our children to take to their wings. Sometimes we don't feel ready to deal with these new responsibilities - and other times we don't know how to be Mum in this new environment.

Anticipating these inevitable changes is key. Preparing yourself, just like the trees do in Autumn, will help you cope with and adapt to new scenarios. FInd out what you can. Ask those who have been through this before. Find out what works for you and your family. Welcome these natural changes - they're here to stay . . . until the next season!