 | How often do you think about kindness? |
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 Lately in the media we've been hearing a lot about the tragic results of bullying, both in schools and out in the community. Of course bullying is not at all a new phenomenon, but in the Internet age sadly, there are a greater number of methods available to bullies - methods that can have more far-reaching and devastating impact on the victims.
In the wake of all this disturbing news, I have started thinking about the cultural climate that permits bullying and and about the stressors on both kids and adults that drive some to oppress other people. I know that no one grows up thinking he or she wants to be a bully and to cause suffering to others! Our human spirits have a core of goodness and love.
This month's Tune-Up won't attempt to analyze all of the cultural factors that contribute to bullying but instead will simply speak to the practice of treating others with gentleness and kindness. While we learn as a society to address bullying in a meaningful way, there are some simple things each of us can do to help to reshape our world into a kinder and more hospitable place for everyone, even
those so-called bullies. |
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What does empathy mean to you, in practical terms?
Some would argue that over the past half-century, we as a people have gradually grown more disconnected from each other to the point that being kind to your neighbor has become an almost provincial idea. And, as our culture inches in this direction, it becomes harder for individuals to swim against the tide. We can sometimes forget that there is another, more loving way of being in the world with other people.
All of us deal with a number of daily stressors. And, some of those stressors include
conflicts with family members, neighbors, coworkers, and others which can cause more frustration and more separation among us. But, how do we respond to these situations with kindness and gentleness when we are exhausted, maxed out, and may not be feeling particularly kind? One way is to pause, be aware, and use empathy, both with yourself and with others. Here are a few thoughts on putting empathy into practice:
- When you're angry or annoyed with someone, before speaking, try imagining things from his or her perspective. Ask yourself if you can relate to what that person is experiencing. Try lifting yourself above your anger, even momentarily, to think of a time when you may have felt this way yourself.
- If the acting-out person is someone you don't know, try out imagining what that person's "backstory" could be. Might there be something very upsetting or difficult going on in this person's life that is causing certain outward behaviors? An ill parent perhaps, or a recent loss of some sort?
- Notice the times when you are very stressed yourself. First of all, slow down and take a gentle attitude towards yourself! Then, slow down your interactions with others. Try pausing for a bit of time - a few minutes up to an hour -before responding to challenging emails and phone messages. During the pause period, ask yourself what the gentlest or most graceful way would be to respond. If it's still a struggle to manage hard feelings while responding kindly, ask someone for help.
- Avoid colluding with negativity towards other people. It can be tempting to jump on an "us versus them" bandwagon during stressful times. All of us need to vent sometimes and we all want to experience camaraderie, but the proverbial "bitch session" can be addictive and not in a good way. Persistent blaming and complaining breeds more of the same and becomes a vicious cycle.
- Notice and appreciate kids' kind behaviors towards others. When bullying behavior is getting all the attention, the helpful and friendly behaviors of children can sometimes go unnoticed. Make a habit of pointing them out regularly.
- At times, those who are closest to us get the brunt of our stress. Ask yourself the following questions about your close relationships: Am I treating those closest to me with care and respect as much as possible? Are there ways I could be kinder and more loving towards them?
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