The subject line for this month's Tune-Up may have startled you. "Don't take it personally!", it shouted. For many of us, relationships themselves can be starling and tricky to navigate because of the many varying personalities and moods we encounter on a daily basis. 

 

Every day at work and at home, we may run into situations that are challenging because our interactions are not always as smooth and calm as we'd like them to be. A simple request to someone might result in an subtly cold response or a seemingly sarcastic look when we were not expecting it. Or the request could just be ignored, leading us to wonder why.  When things are ambiguous, it is human nature to try to fill in the blank with what the meaning is behind someone's behavior.

 

And for a lot of us, we have a tendency to fill in that blank with some kind of personal reason for the problem. "That person just doesn't like me" or "I clearly did something wrong to upset that person". Many times, however, the reasons for someone's moody or ignoring behavior has much more to do with that person's own circumstances than anything we did to spark the behavior. But how do we learn to disconnect ourselves from the moods of others and yet still have graceful communication with them? Here are some thoughts on the subject.

Many of us do. Sensitivity and empathy are wonderful qualities that serve us well in life. At the same time, sometimes we may internalize others' feelings to a great extent that can cause stress and worry of our own. We may pick up on the irritable mood of a coworker and assume it is caused by something we did. What happens next? A chain reaction in which we interact with the coworker as if we did something wrong. Our reaction could be a defensive or avoidant response or it could be unduly apologetic. Most of the time we're guessing at what's going on but behaving as if our hypotheis is true. Unchecked, this unhappy dance  can erode an otherwise collegial relationship. If you can remember one thought when these situations arise, it will help immensely: It's not about you.

 

Another example comes up in both personal and work interactions. When we are bringing up a seemingly innocuous topic that needs some attention; a need to get together for a meeting or a request for a ride home, we may be brushed off by the other person and then feel rejected or rebuffed. At all of these moments it is good to keep one important idea in mind: It's not personal!

 

In 90% of the cases, others' reactions and moods have nothing to do with us at all, but much more to do with whatever is going on in their lives or in their minds at that particular moment. And keep in mind, a person's past history and background is likely to be a factor as well. So, try out the idea: "It's not personal" or "this isn't about me" during those challenging, moody moments to notice the difference it makes in your interactions with others. 

 

It may not be easy at first. It will most likely require a certain attitude of "letting go" of our attention to the interaction; at least in the moment. We may need to consciously disengage, not by ignoring the person, but by gracefully giving them some space and reaffirming to ourselves that this person means no harm and we have done nothing wrong. And as is true with any new behavior, this will inevitably take some real practice to learn.

 

And, always remember to re-engage at a later time. You may or may not need to address the previous conversation. If someone's moody behavior has become a pattern, it can be useful to bring that to the person's attention in a calm and respectful way. Sometimes people are already aware of their behavior and will come out and say "Sorry I snapped earlier" or "I was too stressed to hear what you asked me for earlier".  Each situation is unique and needs to be  considered individually as to the best response. But no matter the person or the circumstance, keep in mind that we all get grumpy some of the time.  So, take a deep breath and know in your heart: I get grumpy. She/he gets grumpy - 

 Your challenge for this month:

 

Journal a paragraph or two on your own feelings around responses to the moods of other people  in your life. Answer the following questions: How do I tend to respond to the moods of other people? Do I tend to "take it personally"? What if anything would I like to change about this?