A few months ago in the Tune-Up, I focused on the benefits of doing service for others and what a big difference an attitude of helpfulness can make in your life. This month I'd like to talk about the "flip side" of service, asking for help. For many of us, asking for help is actually harder than offering it! Why is that? For one thing, our American culture has ingrained in us an idea that "pulling ourselves up by our bootstaps" is the way to success. Subtly and not so subtly, we are taught along the way that asking for help is a sign of "weakness" and any true acheivement must be a solo accomplishment.

 

The truth is that so much more can get done in collaboration with others than in isolation. It's very often easier, faster, and more fun to have help with projects than to do them by ourselves. Anyone who has worked or played on a well-performing team knows that. And yet for some of us, broaching that question "can you help me?" may be daunting and uncomfortable. As one who has been working hard to practice asking for help, I'd like to offer some suggestions for making it work well for you too.

If you place a strong value on being self-reliant and self-sufficient, that can be a good thing and it can also be a deficit. All of us need help at some point in our lives whether it may have to do with medical issues or legal or financial matters. When we are struggling and can't take care of things all alone, often that's when we ask for help because we're forced to. And even then, when our back is against the wall, it can still be very difficult to do so. We may feel embarrassed or ashamed to need help from someone else and we may feel as though needing help is a vulnerability that we don't want to expose to others. 

 

In reality, though, people who care about us are often very willing to provide support and they may actually feel honored to have been asked. Most of the time, asking for help is a win-win situation and can be reciprocal as well, if not in the moment, then further down the road. So what is the best way to get used to asking for help? Practice! Here are some ideas to try to get accustomed to asking for help, even when it's not a serious situation or an emergency.

Think about a task or project that you find difficult or unpleasant. Perhaps this is something you've been avoiding. Make a plan to ask for help with it. Think about what's needed and about who the right person would be to help out. Within the next week or so, ask that person for help. If the person is unable to help, reach out to another person.

 

Once you've worked on the task with help from someone, do a bit of journaling about the experience. Answer the following two questions: What was it like to ask for help? What did you notice about doing the task with help?