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 Once again, I bring you the 5-Minute Life Tune-Up, a quick and concise personal development tool.
For this month, the Tune-Up enters the rich and intriguing realm of communication and personal connections. A large part of how satisfied we are in life has to do with how satisfied we are with our personal relationships both at work and at home. With that in mind, it's good to take a moment periodically to reflect on how things are going with our communication with those important people in our lives. Consider this: In any given communication situation, you may not be able to change the other person directly, but you can change how you interact. What kind of impact could it have if you approached a conversation in a totally different way than ever before? |
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Who have you been avoiding talking to?
Maybe it's your boss. Or your coworker who is not very collaborative on the job. Or maybe it's your defensive teenager. Or perhaps it's your elderly parent who doesn't seem to listen when you have important things to bring up. Why is it so hard to approach these folks?
Fear and Frustration.
Fear is a natural part of our makeup as self-protective human beings. Hey - let's all take a collective breath and stop feeling bad about being afraid! Fear is a perfectly adaptive emotion that works very well when we need it to. It's also one we can learn to manage when we need to!
Frustration comes from having the same patterned talks over and over again. When conversations always seem to play out in defensive or angry or even passive aggressive ways, we get reluctant to try again.
Spending some time writing or talking about the situation can help as a first step to improving things. Get introspective for a bit: start out by greeting any fear feelings fondly, like meeting an old friend. Perhaps the tension and energy of being afraid can even help to catalyze some ideas for a positive conversation. Now think about how, specifically, the conversation with this person tends to play out - what is the pattern and what is your role in it?
Brainstorm new approaches with a fresh mind. Think about different words you can use. Language choices that are more open and conciliatory can make a big difference! Also, what is your general attitude going into the talk with the person? Are you ready for battle or ready to listen? As a guide to your brainstorming, think about the following Both/And Approach....We can approach conversations:BOTH in an open-hearted way AND also speaking our truth
BOTH boldly AND respectfullyBOTH courageously AND gently
BOTH with strength AND with love
How might your conversations turn out differently when approached with these ideas in mind?
It's easy to build up defensive or negative thoughts about someone when we're avoiding talking to her/him. Try making a conscious effort to subtly shift your thinking about this person - prompt yourself to remember what is valuable about this person. One idea is to ask yourself the following questions: "What do I appreciate about this person?", "What is it about this person that makes it worthwhile to put in the effort?", and "what do we both stand to gain from reconnecting?"
Finally and most importantly, think about what caring (and also impartial) person you can talk to about your new ideas for communication with those challenging people in your life. Everything works better when you have support!
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