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What's the Cure for All Emotional Patterns?
I met with a shocking phenomenon in my early years as a therapist. What had driven many clients to my doorstep with money and sorrow in hand? Some version of this: "I really thought this husband was different," a thrice-married woman in her fifties said to me as I handed her a tissue -- and eventually the box. "He wasn't anything like the first two when we got together, but now it's the same story all over again -- he's constantly putting me down. I'm beginning to think that's just the way men are!"
Now it was my turn to say something. Talk about pressure. I could faux sympathize about the dastardly nature of men these days, but a) she could get that elsewhere for the cost of a friend's cocktail, and b) I actually knew quite a few men, including the one I lived with, who didn't fit that description. What's a therapist to do? Veer ever so gently in the direction of the not-so-obvious truth.
"So would you say this is a pattern for you?"
I wish I had a picture of the expression that question usually evoked. It was part relief, part astonishment and part hot-damn-maybe-you're-worth-your-fee-after-all! Without fail, this viewpoint was a revelation. Patterns can be the super highway to change if we want to do the driving, and the super highway to revolving-door pain if we insist on being driven by them.
Let's take a look at four famous patterns that weave themselves into the fabric of everyday life. Then we'll catch the cure.
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What's Your Pattern of Choice?
1. Polka Dot Drama. The Queen is in! I once knew a woman around whose heels drama clustered like Pig Pen's cloud of dirt. Everything went preposterously wrong and no matter how small it was -- a restaurant meal, a hotel room, a pedicure -- she could turn it into a one-woman show. And the Big Things became three-act plays! The trauma behind drama is the driving need to make oneself bigger. Which implies that without my dramas, I'm small, unimportant, insignificant. But as long as I can produce enough of the "Big D," I'll never have to feel that, Thank God.
2. Checkered Control. I love checks, plain sister of plaids. But even I have to admit that they are more control than contour. This pattern when embodied, is all about keeping things and people inside the boxes, on task and in literal check - - according to one's own standards, of course. Most of the time, control rides under the pseudonyms of "caution," "care" and "concern." But the real engine driving control is fear. Fear of inadequacy, failure, loss -- and a dozen of their frightened cousins. But with the armor of the official checkered shirt, no one will see the long johns of insecurity.
3. Crazy Paisley. Most of us have our own craziness -- those places in us where we are emotionally out of step with reality. Take me, for example. Last year, my housemate was playing cat to the mouse that had decided to call our kitchen pantry home. Where was I? Why standing on the couch in the next room, of course -- a plate of toast in one hand and cup of coffee in the other, peeking out through half-closed eyes and emitting adolescent squeals. My relationship to both mice and men exposes my crazy paisley patterns -- making it clear that underneath, I feel vulnerable and out of control whether I'm in danger or not.
4. Mismatched Martyrdom. Ever see someone who appears to have dressed in the dark? With their sunglasses on? Plaids war with stripes, both of which clash with a scarf whose color family isn't represented in either skirt or shirt. (Sometimes these folks grace the pages of fashion magazines!) This hurts to look at and I'm sure it hurts to wear. The pattern of victim or martyr is like that. The patchwork of inner hurt is worn on the outside. "Look how everyone is hurting me," the person seems to be saying, yet they don't see how they are hurting themselves by hanging onto their inner pain.
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It seems naïve and simplistic to propose that there's just one cure for all of these emotional patterns, but it's true. Implied in the brief antidotes above, here it is: Scooping up a big ole' helping of personal responsibility and plunking it down onto your own plate. No inwardly-driven pattern can be dispelled without taking responsibility for it. But wait! One Cure is a two-step! Before you can take responsibility, you have to recognize the pattern as a pattern! As long as it remains tucked away in the dark corners of the subconscious or deep in the sea of unconscious, the unrecognized pattern will run on and on and on.
But with recognition and personal responsibility, the jig is up. No pattern can persist in the consistent light of those two forces. Together, they begin to unravel the warp and woof of the drama, the control, the craziness or the martyrdom. Inevitably, this process brings you out into the bright light of recollection. Like my friend, Sharyn, who recently said to me, "Oh, God! Remember what a little victim I used to be? I can still go there, but after about five minutes I just say, 'Oh, cut that crap out!' And I move forward."
It's easy to be a pattern-spotter in others. Dare to spot your own! Because a pattern is a pattern -- it's not the truth of you.
Til we cross paths again,
Maridel
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Free Coffee Consultation!
If you have a writing project or idea, I'd love to buy you a cup of coffee (tea or cocoa) and discuss it with you. Regardless of the size of the project or where you are in the process, I'd be happy to give you my thoughts and see what I can do to help. Please feel free to contact me at Maridel@evolvingjourney.com. | |
