|
|
The Mystery of Friendship
I spent Thanksgiving morning making pies with my friend, Ron. We are veterans of a thirty-six-year-old friendship. Yet when we met in our twenties, we had no way to imagine that we'd be making pumpkin and apple memories in our sixties. Somehow, we stayed connected through the high tides of divorce, two out-of-state moves, his remarriage, and my unpredictable string of real-life makeovers. Sometimes the interludes have been long, and yet the thread has never been broken. On this we agree.
Three playful, inspiring days in Reno with Ron and his wife, Charlotte, not only evoked memories of our long history and enthusiasm for our friendly future, but also set me to thinking about the mystery of friendship.
There's a saying, "Friends are the family you choose." It's a sentiment that begs for dialogue. It's lovely, but too simple. I'm not even sure it's true. Our closest friends do feel like family -- but the act of choosing seems more applicable to dinnerware, underwear and where to go for dinner. When I think about my closest friends, choice is not a word that comes to mind. It's something more akin to The Chosen, but not by me and not by them. By Life Itself. These souls simply arrived -- some by ordinary means and some by astonishing ones; but either way, the unfolding of our stories has been anything but ordinary.
I dedicate this edition of the newsletter to those friends whose paths crossed mine, and with whom I have gradually and gratefully become more and more of myself. I trust it is the same for each of you. |
1. Develop the root friendship. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The only way to have a friend is to be one." I'm pretty sure Ralph was referring to being a good friend as the basis for expecting the same in return. Who am I to make a play on Emerson's words, but I'd like to say, "The only way to have a friend is to be one ... to yourself." Treating ourselves with kindness and respect lifts the burden of proof from our friends. Then they are free to love, enjoy and cherish us without needing to convince us of our value.
2. Not all great friendships last. We expect them to, of course, but can't demand that they do. Even deep, old friendships can hit weather that's too stormy, complex or incurably gray to survive. Some just disappear into the fog. Whether lost through conflict, inertia or the inevitable shifting sands of life, we need to forgive friendships for not living up to our preconceived ideas of their future. What matters is what we each walk away with.
3. Cultivate gratitude for every friendship. Most friendships are easy to be grateful for. A few are not. But if we go deeply enough into the experience of a friendship, it's possible to see the gift it came to give. I recently had a thrilling conversation with the electrician who fixed my bathroom outlet. Standing at my front door, this young man shared how he "blessed the friend that cursed him" because his friend's betrayal was the catalyst for unearthing and releasing years of old anger and pain. "He knows what he did. So I leave that with him," he told me. "But I am a free man."
4. Let friendships "follow the energy". Relationships are living organisms with an intelligence all their own. What does it mean to trust that intelligence, allowing each one to write its own script from season-to-season? Our lives are such that my friend, Sherrie, and I rarely see each other these days. But there were years when talking deeply every week was critical to navigating the soul passages in which we found ourselves. As a result of that era, Sherrie and I will always see each other. We just don't have to be together to do it. Let friendships shape-shift to meet the needs of its seasons.
5. Continually celebrate friendship. Last year I wanted to have an open house and call it "In Honor of Friendship," an occasion to acknowledge the many friends who had contributed to the quality of my life and that of my partner's. My inspiration didn't get translated into reality, but I am realizing how my friends and I continually celebrate our connection now. We unabashedly acknowledge how much we enjoy getting together, how we miss each other when apart too long, and how much we prize the bond that is uniquely our own. I think that's a beautiful thing--mutual adoration of this entity that isn't you and isn't me. It's that energy that arises when, and only when, the two of us meet. It's the mystery of friendship. |
Take a few minutes to write down the names of friends--past or present--that come to mind. Put those names in your pocket, your purse or in a place you spend a lot of time. Keep them close for a few days and watch what happens. Who keeps coming to mind? Who do you dream about? Who do you feel drawn to contact? What memories or feelings are evoked? What kind of friend do you need most right now? Open your heart, not just to the people on your list, but to those who have yet to shape your story of friendship. |
|
Free Consultation!
I am an author, editor, writing coach and ghost writer. I would love to contribute to your book, website copy, marketing materials, reports, articles or any other writing you'd like help with. Let's sit down, enjoy a cup of coffee, and share ideas. Please feel free to email me: maridelbowes@gmail.com.
| |
