On Being Your Own Friend

1. Friends acknowledge your strengths. Those who know and love us have no trouble reeling off our strengths: loyal, gregarious, comforting, hilarious, brilliant, intuitive, zany etc. Can you do the same? Can you create a list of self-acknowledgment without fear that someone might see it and think you're vain? Or worse yet, foolish? And when friends acknowledge your traits or talents, do you agree with thanks, a smile, or do you suddenly become your own prosecutor? Acknowledging your strengths allows them to grow stronger.

2. Friends want a real answer when they ask, "Are you okay?" Years ago, I read the story of a woman who was traveling by plane with an IV pole in tow, still recovering from a severe illness. When she started down the aisle, the tubes caught on something and she fell into an unflattering position on the floor. Aghast, some passengers reached to help her, but she waved them off with this cheerful proclamation, "I'm fine! I'm fine!" Later, chagrin kicked in as she realized the lie of her conditioned response. "I was never less fine than I was in that moment. There I lay like a wounded animal with all fours in the air, attached to an IV pole and wedged between the seats of a plane."

Friends don't even believe you when you  try to fine them. Don't believe yourself either. Admit how you're feeling, even if it makes you feel "weak." I'm scared. I'm out of sorts. I'm sad and don't know why. Why, I do believe I'm feeling insecure! It's amazing how being real with yourself will often shift or at least ease the angst. You've confided in a friend.

3. Friends tell you the truth. Real friends aren't in our lives just to acknowledge the light in us, but to make us aware of what's blocking it. At a recent workshop, Maggie was talking about the sharp tongues of her mother and grandmother. The facilitator bravely asked, "Do you have a sharp tongue?" She turned in the direction of Nancy, her friend of 35 years and just as bravely asked, "Do I?" The room went still. "You do come across as harsh sometimes," Nancy said, "but unlike your mother and grandmother, your intention isn't to hurt others. You come from a place of honestly wanting to educate and inform, but I can see how people would perceive it as criticism." A collective sigh. No one doubted that Nancy had told the truth. And no one doubted the love behind it. Telling ourselves the truth without negativity, blame and judgment makes us a better friend to ourselves. Whether it's a sharp tongue or an inability to speak up when we need to, telling ourselves the truth can let the light shine in.

4. Friends are short on advice and long on faith. You have a dilemma or need to make a decision. Think about the friend whose predominant response is hard-line advice. No matter how well-intentioned, such advice carries an underlying message: here's what you should do. To paraphrase an old saying, "Friends don't 'should' on you." There's another response that's a cousin to this one, but it's from the other side of the family. It's the friend who says, "Here's what I would do, Jeannie, but you're not me, and I know you'll figure out what's best for you." The underlying message here? I have faith in you. We don't need to take a poll to find out which friend we turn to first. The harder question is which friend do we turn to inside? The one who's "full of should" or the one who says, "You'll know what to do when the time comes, Jeannie. Trust yourself."

And the perfect blend of support? Having the outer and the inner friend-of-faith to call on--they're the best of friends!