Words from a Survivor
I was married for 10 years to a man who was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive.
I entered the relationship as a single mom with two children, ages 5 and 9. I was working full time at an electronics firm, training for a supervisor position. We seemed to have the same goals in life, enjoying many of the same hobbies, and we agreed on our parenting skills. We fell in love and were married. I became pregnant and took a leave of absence from my job to be a full time homemaker.
In the first 5 years, we struggled to identify as a 'blended' family and I began to notice controlling issues. Family visits were resented, car mileage was documented, he listened to my phone conversations, money became an allowance for food and gas only (he paid the bills), friends were criticized and my clothes became an issue if I would wear something he didn't approve of. We began to argue as I rebelled against his authority. Anger and jealousy surfaced and I realized this was not the man I married.
In denial of the seriousness of the situation, I continued to stay with him. Our relationship became an up-and-down roller coaster, with apologies one day and arguments the next.
We had two more children in the next 5 years. Somehow I kept thinking it would get better. It only became worse, and as the older children became teenagers, the step-father relationship became difficult. Arguments were a daily event, often leading to physical fighting.
We separated three times after three situations involving the sheriff. We went to counseling, anger management and parenting classes. Each time he came back we would do OK for awhile then he would return to his old ways. He abused my son and physically beat and carried our 12 year old daughter out of the house while our youngest son, age 9 watched. This led to jail time, leaving me alone with a house payment, no transportation and 5 emotionally drained, hurt and confused children.
There is no way to describe the pain of living this way, unless you have been there. I spent many days and nights depressed and crying. My extended family sheltered us on many holidays and weekends to help us recuperate.
During the last separation I became involved with a woman's support group, from the advice of a friend. This led me to Operation Care for help with legal referrals, mental support and encouraging confidence to go on with my life in a safe and healthy way. I was able to see my situation with an honest perspective. Determined to move forward, they helped me follow my goals to bring my family out of abuse. It took this kind of support for me to change. I was empowered as a woman of choices.
Over time, I have started a successful cleaning business and have been able to pay the bills, buy a car and support the children. It wasn't easy, but I had the determination to never give up.
I now see the effects abuse has had on my family. The pain never goes away, it heals through time. It is so important to have the support of women who have experienced abuse. We need each other to be strong and not tolerate abuse of any kind - physical, mental or spiritual. It leads to a painful death inside and leaves scars forever.
There are always choices!!!!
