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ELIZABETH MAHANEY, M.A.
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To view more information... Please visit my website at
www.SouthTampaTherapy.com
www.MissingPieceCounseling.org
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Greetings!
I hope this newsletter finds you well! In this OCTOBER issue you will find information pertaining to HOW PEOPLE CHANGE and DEALING WITH MID-LIFE ISSUES. Enjoy:)
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HOW PEOPLE CHANGE
By Elizabeth Mahaney, M.A.
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What Is Happiness?
If you are thinking about changing your life for the better, one way to start is by identifying your goals. You are probably hoping to find some version of happiness or emotional well-being. That might look like any combination of the following:
· A sense of freedom
· Self-esteem
· Self-confidence
· Happy to get up in the morning
· Working toward goals
· A sense of purpose in life
· Satisfying relationships
What Is Unhappiness?
If you are thinking about changing your life, you may be experiencing some combination of the following elements:
· Feeling sad, lethargic or depressed
· Feeling afraid
· Abusing or being addicted to alcohol or drugs
· Feeling lonely
· Anxiety
· Problems with relationships
· Not getting what you want in life; feeling frustrated in working toward goals
· Not caring enough to have goals
How Will You Change?
When you decide to change your life, try the following ideas.
1. Explore your feelings. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.
2. Envision your future. Write in a journal, make a collage, do a guided visualization, talk to a friend or counselor, research the possibilities.
3. Explore wishes and dreams. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.
4. Be open to new ideas. Take a class, travel, say yes to things you may have avoided in the past.
5. Look for kindred spirits. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself, seek out those who make you blossom, reach out to those with similar interests and dreams.
6. Try something different. Deliberately buy new items, try different brands, shop at different stores, do the opposite of what you usually do, see different movies, read different kinds of books and magazines.
7. Set goals and targets. Learn how to set useful goals, follow through, evaluate progress regularly, reward yourself for achievement.
8. Take one step at a time. Divide your goals into tiny pieces and do one small new thing each day, starting now.
9. Look for lessons. Remind yourself that experiences are not good or bad; they are simply lessons.
How to Overcome Your Resistance to Change
Have you ever noticed that when you think about changing your life, you feel resistant? Many people say that they not only feel resistant, but they actually do things to keep their lives familiar. They do things like start a diet and then eat a candy bar on the first day, or quit smoking and then sneak a puff.
There are some things you can do to make yourself less resistant. Here are six effective strategies:
1. Eliminate clutter. Clutter can be viewed as a sign of uncertainty. Accumulating "stuff" might be stopping you from committing to an important thing. If you keep a lot of half-started projects around, it makes it difficult to zero in on the really important things.
2. Start small. Thinking of your overall goal can be overwhelming. So manage your resistance by choosing one small part of it and attacking it today. Let's say your goal is to lose 20 pounds. That can certainly seem like an impossible thing to accomplish. It will seem more doable if you tell yourself, I'm going to lose five pounds by (date).
3. Disprove your disempowering beliefs. In Reinventing Your Life, authors Young and Klosko suggest that you identify the beliefs that keep you from succeeding. They offer a way to dispute those beliefs by asking, "Is there really an evidence today that this belief is true?" They suggest making a list of the evidence.
4. Remind yourself of all of your available options. You always have alternatives and the power to choose among them.
5. Take responsibility for what you want. Look for signs that you are blaming
your situation on others or not admitting past mistakes. Acknowledge them and move on.
6. Visualize the future. Author Barbara Sher suggests one way to do this: Write an imaginary press release about yourself. The date is today's date, two years in the future. The press release is announcing the most extraordinary event you can think of. It doesn't matter whether this event seems only vaguely possible to you. The important thing is that it is exciting to imagine.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sometimes it makes sense to find a professional counselor to work with as you work through the change process. Here are some ways to know when that would be appropriate:
1. You've tried several things but you still have the problem.
2. You want to find a solution sooner rather than later.
3. You have thoughts of harming yourself or others.
4. You have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another disorder that are significantly interfering with your daily functioning and the quality of your life. For example, you have lost time from work, your relationships have been harmed, your health is suffering. These are signs that you may need the help of a trained, licensed professional.
Suggested Reading
Martha Friedman, Overcoming the Fear of Success. New York, Warner Books, 1980.
Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. New York, Fawcett Columbine, 1987.
Barbara Sher, Live the Life You Love. New York Delacorte Press, 1996.
Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko, Reinventing Your Life: How to Break
Free from Negative Life Patterns and Feel Good Again. New York, Plume Books, 1994.
Please pass this newsletter along to a friend. Or call 813-240-3237 to request additional copies or to make an appointment.
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DEALING WITH MIDLIFE ISSUES
By Elizabeth Mahaney, M.A.
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In this month's newsletter, I would like to help you explore the challenges and opportunities that come at midlife. You will have an opportunity to take a look at issues that are specific to the Baby Boomer generation. You will also have a chance to begin the process of your own midlife assessment with a list of questions presented at the end of the newsletter. I call this assessment the Midlife Checkup.
Benefits of the Midlife Checkup
Taking the time to assess how your life is going at this point can result in benefits such as these:
· It can help you identify and intensify your inner strengths.
· You can find your own voice and express it your own way.
· You can accept your changing physical self.
· It is an opportunity to forgive those with whom you've been angry.
· It can help you find ways to reduce stress.
· You can learn to simplify your life.
· You can reenergize yourself in preparation for the second half of your life.
The Baby Boomers
The Baby Boomer generation is at midlife right now. This generation includes almost 78 million Americans born between 1946 and 1964.
The Boomers are the largest generation in U.S. history. They have had a major impact on American society as they have passed through every life stage. They are passing through midlife in their own unique way, differently from their parents and differently from Generation X, the group born in the years after 1964.
The first Boomer turned 50 at the beginning of 1996, and the remaining 78 million will observe this anniversary sometime between now and 2014.
Typical Feelings
According to Rocking the Ages authors J. Walker Smith and Ann Clurman (researchers at Yankelovich Partners) and authors like Gail Sheehy, people passing through middle age typically experience the following kinds of feelings.
Great expectations: Most Boomers are beginning to recognize their own limitations. Growing up in the comfortable 1950's, the Boomers learned to expect unlimited growth and endless possibilities. They believed their good luck would never end. Now that they are turning 50, many are shocked to discover that there are limits to life's possibilities.
Regret: As people reach midlife, they must face up to the loss of some of their dreams and regret the mistakes they have made. It is not easy for anyone to face the person one will never be.
Loss: At midlife, everyone has to face the loss of youth, valued by our society. In her book New Passages, author Gail Sheehy calls this experience "The Body Blues" or "The Vanity Crisis."
Meaning: According to Sheehy, the "universal preoccupation" of the middle years is "the search for meaning in whatever we do." As they face the fact that time is limited, the Baby Boomers typically become even more intent on this need to analyze and search for significance.
Change: The midlife years can be a time of radical change for many people. This is the result of endless questioning and evaluation of how one has lived life thus far. Many midlife crises become mid-life meltdowns, says Sheehy, because some people react to feelings of emptiness or disillusionment by destroying everything they have built.
The Boomers developed a value system that is based on a sense of entitlement and which values individuality. Because they hold these values, Boomers respond differently to each life stage than do other generations. You can see these values reflected in scenes like those from television shows from the 1950s and early 60s.
According to Smith and Clurman, four important characteristics of the Baby Boomer value system are:
Self-absorption: The Boomers (once called the "Me" Generation) have the reputation of being more narcissistic than other generations. Because of the times they grew up in, they have always been fascinated with themselves. The indulgence they experienced at home in the 1950s and the world's seemingly limitless possibilities created a fascination with self and a feeling of specialness.
Sense of entitlement: As a generation, the Boomers see themselves as superior to others. They have always assumed that they could have life their way and that the rules were meant for others, but not for them. They feel entitled to rewards and view themselves as winners. They expect success and cannot accept failure.
Need for control: The Boomers need to feel certain and to sense that they are in control of life. They have a difficult time dealing with uncertainty.
Reflection: Baby Boomers have always valued introspection and take pleasure in asking questions.
For most people, life at age 45 or 50 doesn't match the dreams they had at age 20 or 30. When people reach age 45 or 50 and are even slightly disappointed by their achievements and experiences, their feelings are likely to be compounded by these factors of self-absorption, sense of entitlement, and a need for control. But there is also a positive side to this. The tendency to reflect and explore can help one look for new possibilities instead of being stuck with feelings of disappointment.
Keep all of this in mind as you complete the Midlife Checkup. It is a list of 29 unfinished sentences that will help you assess your life to date. The items on this list provide a framework for conducting your own assessment. Please add your own ideas that you think will help you reflect on your life's direction.
The Midlife Checkup
1. My most important accomplishments are...
2. I am disappointed about...
3. I would describe the person I turned out to be as...
4. I want to change the following things about my self and my life...
5. Things I want to do before I die...
6. If I knew I couldn't fail, I would...
7. Things I have mastered...
8. Things I want to keep...
9. I want to keep these relationships...
10. I want to let go of these relationships...
11. I want to keep these possessions...
12. I want to let go of these possessions...
13. I want to have these experiences...
14. I want to clean up these messes...
15. I want to celebrate...
16. I don't ever again want to...
17. My body is...
18. My children are...
19. My parents are...
20. My spouse is...
21. I want to remember...
22. I want to forget...
23. I must apologize to...
24. I must seek an apology from...
25. I am most proud of...
26. I wish I could forget about...
27. I wish I could do over...
28. I wish I had never...
29. I wish I had...
30. Add your own items:
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Please pass this newsletter along to a friend or call Elizabeth Mahaney 813-240-3237 to request additional copies.
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Thanks for reading this months Newsletter!
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Mahaney
South Tampa Therapy & The Missing Piece of Counseling and Well-Being Inc.
Address: 425 S. Orleans Ave. Tampa, FL 33606
Phone: 813-240-3237
Email: Elizabethmahaney@msn.com
Website: www.SouthTampaTherapy.com
www.MissingPieceCounseling.org
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