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ELIZABETH MAHANEY, M.A., Ph.D.
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To view more information... Please visit my website at
www.SouthTampaTherapy.com
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Greetings!
I hope this newsletter finds you well! In this MAY issue you will find information pertaining to building social/ people skills and how to help your marriage thrive. Enjoy:)
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YOU CAN BUILD PEOPLE SKILLS
By Elizabeth Mahaney, M.A., Ph.D.
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Build Your People Skills
How would you like to get along even better with others in your personal relationships and in the workplace? Getting along well with people sounds kind of general and is difficult to do much about, so let's break it down into some manageable and specific skills. By building the following skills, you will get along well with others:
1. Build others' self-esteem.
2. Show empathy for others.
3. Encourage people to cooperate with each other.
4. Communicate assertively.
5. Ask productive questions and demonstrate listening skills.
6. Respond productively to emotional statements.
People skills (which are also known as emotional intelligence) can be thought of as six specific skills. Let's take a brief look at each one.
1. Build others' self-esteem. When you are in a situation where you are made to feel good about yourself, you feel good. You can do the same with others by doing the following kinds of things:
a. Make eye contact with others.
b. Call others by their names.
c. Ask others their opinions.
d. Compliment others' work.
e. Tell people how much you appreciate them.
f. Write notes of thanks when someone does something worthwhile.
g. Make people feel welcome when they come to your home or workplace.
h. Pay attention to what is going on in people's lives. Acknowledge milestones and express concern about difficult life situations such as illness, deaths, and accidents.
i. Introduce your family members to acquaintances when you meet them in public.
j. Encourage your loved ones to explore their talents and interests.
k. Share people's excitement when they accomplish something.
l. Honor people's needs and wants.
m. Take responsibility for your choices and actions, and expect others to do the same.
n. Take responsibility for the quality of your communications.
2. Show empathy for others. Empathy means recognizing emotions in others. It is the capacity to put yourself in another person's shoes and understand how they view their reality and how they feel about things.
Being aware of our emotions and how they affect our actions is a fundamental ability in today's people-intense workplaces. People who are cut off from their emotions are unable to connect with people. It's like they are emotionally tone-deaf.
No one wants to work with such people because they have no idea how they affect others. You have probably met a few people who fit this description.
3. Encourage people to cooperate with each other. Whether you are managing a family or a work group, there are some specific things you can do to create an environment where others work together well:
a. Don't play favorites. Treat everyone the same. Otherwise, some people will not trust you.
b. Don't talk about people behind their backs.
c. Ask for others' ideas. Participation increases commitment.
d. Follow up on suggestions, requests, and comments, even if you are unable to carry out a request.
e. Check for understanding when you make a statement or announcement. Don't assume everyone is with you.
f. Make sure people have clear instructions for tasks to be completed. Ask people to describe what they plan to do.
g. Reinforce cooperative behavior. Don't take it for granted.
4. Communicate assertively. Assertive communication is a constructive way of expressing feelings and opinions. People are not born assertive; their behavior is a combination of learned skills. Assertive behavior enables you to:
a. Act in your own best interests.
b. Stand up for yourself without becoming anxious.
c. Express your honest feelings.
d. Assert your personal rights without denying the rights of others.
Assertive behavior is different from passive or aggressive behavior in that it is:
a. Self-expressive
b. Honest
c. Direct
d. Self-enhancing
e. Constructive, not destructive
Assertive behavior includes both what you say and how you say it.
5. Ask productive questions and demonstrate listening skills. Listening skills help you show that you are hearing and understanding another person and are interested in what he or she has to say.
6. Respond productively to emotional statements. A communication skill called active listening is especially useful in emotional situations because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. It's a check of whether your understanding is correct. This demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned.
Active listening responses have two components:
a. Naming the feeling that the other person is conveying
b. Stating the reason for the feeling
Here are some examples of active listening statements:
"Sounds like you're upset about what happened at work."
"You're annoyed by my lateness, aren't you?"
"You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem."
"It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe's paperwork."
"Sounds like you're really worried about Wendy."
"I get the feeling you're awfully busy right now."
Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another's point of view.
The ability to get along well with people in your personal relationships and in the workplace is a set of learned skills. No one is born knowing how to build others' self-esteem, show empathy, encourage cooperation, communicate assertively, ask productive questions, or respond productively to emotional statements. These skills can be learned and developed with some practice. By taking the time to develop these skills, you will be able to build better relationships at home and at work.
Please pass this newsletter along to a friend. Or call Elizabeth Mahaney at 813-240-3237 to request additional copies.
For more information, visit:
www.SouthTampaTherapy.com
www.health.org
www.niaa.nih.gov
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SKILLS FOR MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE THRIVE
By Elizabeth Mahaney, M.A., Ph.D
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Skills for Making Your Marriage Thrive
Any marriage counselor will tell you that one of the most common problems observed when couples come for help is poor communication skills. People get into trouble in their marriages because they have not developed their ability to listen and communicate.
Barriers to Communication
These are a few of the things that prevent people from communicating effectively:
· Not knowing how to communicate properly
· Not taking the time to think through what you want to say
· Not taking the time to anticipate what your partner might be thinking and feeling
· Fear of revealing too much of yourself
· Fear of your partner's anger
· Not wanting to hurt your partner's feelings
Empathy and Acceptance
People marry because they want to spend the rest of their lives with their partner. They have every hope of growing together and creating a relationship that makes them feel emotionally healthy. Two factors that are necessary for this to happen are empathy and acceptance on the part of both partners.
Empathy is the capacity to put oneself in another's shoes and understand how they view their reality, how they feel about things.
Demonstrating empathy and acceptance is critical to maintaining a strong relationship. Let's look next at some communication skills that enable you to create a climate of empathy, acceptance, and understanding. First we will explore a skill called Active Listening.
Active Listening
Active listening is a way of communicating that creates the important climate of empathy, acceptance, and understanding.
· It is a two-step response to a statement made by your partner.
· It includes reflecting back what emotion you detected in the statement, and the reason for the emotion.
This is what active listening sounds like:
"Sounds like you're upset about what happened at work."
"You're very annoyed by my lateness, aren't you?"
Why Active Listening Is a Valuable Skill
Active listening is a valuable skill because it demonstrates that you understand what your partner is saying and how he or she is feeling about it.
· Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.
· It's a check on whether your understanding is correct.
· It demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned.
Actively listening does not mean agreeing with the other person. The point is to demonstrate to your partner that you intend to hear and understand his or her point of view. This is good for your relationship for several reasons:
· When someone demonstrates that they want to understand what you are thinking and feeling, it feels good.
· It creates good feelings about the other person.
· Restating and checking understanding promotes better communication and fewer misunderstandings.
More Active Listening Examples
Here are some more examples of active listening:
"You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem."
"It makes you angry when you find errors on Joey's homework."
"Sounds like you're really worried about Wendy."
"I get the feeling you're awfully busy right now."
More Communication Skills
Although our space is limited in this short newsletter, there are a few more communication skills that I must mention. These include asking open-ended questions, making summary statements to check understanding, and encouraging your partner to open up and elaborate by using neutral questions and phrases.
Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.
· These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.
· Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what he or she thinks or knows.
· These questions are designed to encourage your partner to talk.
· They are useful when the other person is silent or reluctant to elaborate.
· They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.
Summary Statements
Summary statements sum up what you hear your partner saying.
· A summary statement enhances your partner's self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.
· It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.
· It helps your partner clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.
· Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.
· They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.
· Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.
Neutral Questions and Phrases
Neutral questions and phrases get your partner to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.
· These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.
· They help your partner understand what you are interested in hearing more about.
· They further communication because they help you gain more information.
· When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to your partner that you are interested and that you are listening.
Business Skills for Marriages
You might be surprised to hear that the same skills that help people succeed in business can also be used to build a better marriage. Like any business, a marriage is a partnership of people. Many of the skills that make businesses run successfully-planning, organizing, and setting goals-also can be applied to running your marriage successfully. These are some of the skills that will strengthen any marriage:
1. Create an overall vision of what you want your life to be like; consider all life areas.
2. Develop a long-range strategy.
3. Set short-term and long-term goals.
4. Plan the steps that will help you accomplish your goals.
5. Organize projects.
6. Manage projects.
7. Manage people.
8. Evaluate progress and results at regular intervals.
9. Revise goals as needed.
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Please pass this newsletter along to a friend or call Elizabeth Mahaney 813-240-3237 to request additional copies.
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Thanks for reading this months Newsletter!
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Mahaney
South Tampa Therapy at Pagani Wellness Center
Phone: 813-240-3237
Email: elizabeth@southtampatherapy.com
Website: www.SouthTampaTherapy.com
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