Cam Marston

Trying Times

Family gatherings around the holidays, while cherished by many, are a recipe for stress for some.  The unspoken feelings of unmet expectations, alleged parental preferences of one sibling over another, or simply the unceasing noise of the children playing or fighting can cause people who are rational and intelligent most of the year to snap about the time the turkey is carved.  Generations can mix and they can have wonderful times, like tonic in a drink, or the mixture can be quite volatile, like ammonia and diesel fuel.  So, how do normal people make it through these trying times if they're the types that are reluctant to join holiday events?

Do your best to separate the message from the messenger.  Your coddled sister-in-law who, at 35 years old still lives at home and has her parents cut her meat for her, may disgust you but don't let this come into play when she stirs your ire - focus on the message, not the messenger.  Don't attack.  Neither of you will likely remember what you argued about unless you begin to attack each other.

 Let it go; there are no winners in family fights, everyone loses.

Steer clear of the dangerous subjects that may air the dirty laundry.  And do you best to offer three compliments to every one negative statement.  Better yet, avoid negative statements completely.

Have a walk away strategy.  If things get too bad commit to yourself that you'll physically leave the room.  That you'll zip your mouth and throw away the key.  

Remember, the cardinal rule of all communication is to first understand and then to be understood.  Do your best to understand the point of view of whom you're talking to, or who is talking to the room before you reply.  Consider their position, their generational perspective, their experiences, etc. before stating your position.  Listen not only to the words but to the messenger's whole message.  

Finally, no one will ever remember what you don't say.

Learn more about Cam Marston's 'Generational Insight'...

Mimi Donaldson

Bless Your Holiday Stress:

It Means You're Still Alive

A solution-focused, light-hearted approach for handling this season's anxieties comes with a tangible payoff.  By addressing two key areas - releasing control and honing the fine art of patience -you can improve your ability to focus on what matters.

Personal Control Panel 

While we pride ourselves on being in control, it's critical that we understand what we can and can't control. The list of what you can control includes what you think, what you say, what you feel and do, what you put into your mouth, and what you do to your body.  It's a short list of things we can control. That's where we need to focus our energy. Revise your outlook and revamp your reactions so you can rebound from life's annoyances.

Beyond that, tap into your "personal control panel" which controls what happens in your mind. Remember to "Play" but skip the "Fast Forward" because, as Gandhi famously said, "There is more to life than increasing its speed." Make full use of the "Pause Button," meaning take a deep breath and take stock before letting a stress trigger or a whiney nephew make you go nuts.

Wait Lifting Skills 

Another key element of blessing stress is to practice wait lifting, or the ability to wait and have patience in today's 24/7, frenetic "now" culture. Patience is how you handle the wait of the world. By starting with light waits - not getting frustrated when the computer doesn't boot up fast enough for you or the traffic light takes too long to change - you can work up to medium and heavy waits.  

It comes down to cultivating the rare quality of perspective, and bringing a "light take" on stress, so at least the stress doesn't last as long. During the holidays, just play the deck you're dealt and find your trump card. It may be that you are still alive to celebrate.

And have a merry month ahead.

More on Mimi Donaldson here... 

Dr. Sheila Murray Bethel

3 Communication Tools for Happy Holidays 

Let's look at three key ideas to more happily survive family gatherings over the holidays. 

1. Listen, listen, listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth. That's a clue for getting along with that challenging family member. Asking neutral questions about areas of interest such as; hobbies, sports, movies and food will keep you away from the risky areas of money, politics and religion. When you get people talking about these more positive subjects and then listen carefully, so you can make appropriate responses, you have a much better chance of a conflict free event.

2.  The "I - me - we" game. This little game can be fun and a great learning experience. As you are having a conversation see how long you can talk without using the words, I, me or we. It is amazing how much we talk about ourselves and our interests. It is equally amazing at what you learn about others when you don't use those words, because you will then be talking about them. You'll find yourself asking questions and commenting on their areas of interest, which will make you one of the most valued people at the event.

3. Rethink the meaning of the holidays. Commercialism, calories and confusion can ruin the joy of the holidays. But you have a choice!  You can get caught in the hustle bustle to the point where you no longer enjoy the season, or you can make this year special and different from all the other years of rush and stress. Take a few minutes and rethink: What is the real meaning of the holidays?  What do they mean to me?  How can I better share these thoughts and ideas with those I love and care about? At every opportunity engage your family members in this kind of warm and comforting dialogue.

These three ideas are not a guarantee that your holidays will be perfect. However, they will give you a jump start on preparing to meet the holidays with a tune up on your communication skills. 

Read on...Dr. Sheila Murray Bethel's full bio and video