Our Inner Critic develops early on in our lives. Its job is to act as a kind of internal policeman. It enforces the rules of the dominant or "primary" parts of our personality that are responsible for running our lives and keeping us safe in the world.

These primary selves help us adapt to the particular family and social system we are born into. We learn very quickly which behaviours are acceptable to the adults around us and which will incur their disapproval and judgement. For example, if we grow up in a family where we are expected to be good little boys or girls all the time and put the needs of other people first, the chances are that we will develop a strong Pleaser self. Its rule is "always be nice to others." It will try its hardest to make sure we behave appropriately. It knows that if we do not, our parents or teachers will be upset with us and may even punish us. This will make us feel very vulnerable.

The underlying anxiety of our Inner Critic

Our Inner Critic remembers the pain and shame of having the adults around us withdraw their approval and affection. Its underlying anxiety is that we will be judged and rejected. It fears we will be alone, unliked and unloved and so it tries everything in its power to have us follow the rules of our primary selves and tow the line. Its aim is to ensure that our core vulnerability is protected.

If we even think about defying the rules of our Pleaser and putting our own needs first it will shout in our heads that we are being "selfish!" If we have a strong Pusher self that wants us to work hard and pass our exams to please our parents, it will tell us that we are "lazy!" when we kick back and relax too much. The negatives of our Inner Critic very often mirror those of our actual parents and teachers when they judge us for not following their rules. "You should be more tidy", "You should be on time", "You should show more respect." It is easy to see why "should" is one of our Inner Critic's favourite words - sometimes whispered sotto voce, sometimes bellowed full force.

As we grow older, more and more pressures are brought to bear on us about how we "should" behave. Adverts set the standard for how we should look, what we should wear, how we should smell, what we should eat, how we should relax. Films show us the perfect male and female physiques, the perfect way to kiss and make love, the perfect romantic relationship we should have. Personal development programmes exhort us to be more sensitive, more assertive, more sensual, more aware. The standards are set so high and there are so many rules to follow, it's little wonder that our Inner Critics are in a constant state of anxiety and becoming ever more powerful.

At its most powerful, the voice of the Inner Critic can seem like the voice of God. When out of control it can wreak havoc with our feelings of self-confidence. It can make us feel inferior, incapable and inadequate. In the worst case its nagging voice can lead to despair, depression and even suicide.

How our Inner Critic tries to protect us

The voice of our Inner Critic can sometimes feel like a continual hammering in our heads. At other times, it can be so quiet - like a background hum - that we hardly notice it. One technique it often uses is to have us obsess about a perceived mistake we have made. It will run and rerun a video in our heads of the actions that we have or haven't done, or words that we have or haven't said, and make us squirm internally with embarrassment. Our mistakes will be put under the microscope and magnified out of all proportion. Remember, the purpose of this is to make sure we always behave in ways that will keep us safe. Our Inner Critic will do whatever is necessary to get us to follow the rules of our primary protecting selves, no matter how painful that might seem to us.

To be self-critical is felt to be less painful than being criticised by someone else. It is a form of self-defence, a kind of pre-emptive strike. If we can say "I'm so stupid!" or, "Oh I know how bad I was," or, "I am hopeless at doing that," it helps to shield us against the external slings and arrows of those who would judge us.

Building a working relationship with our Inner Critic

Since we can never get rid of our Inner Critic (drinking, drugs or other distracting behaviours only offer temporarily respite) the best way to proceed is to build a working relationship with it. There are four steps:

1. Become aware of it as a separate voice, noting the tone and content of its injunctions. It can be helpful to write down the exact words on a piece of paper so that we can see them more objectively.

2. Determine the rules it is trying so desperately to have us follow. Write them down as a list of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts".

3. Identify the particular primary selves responsible for making these rules. Is it our Pleaser, or Pusher, or Perfectionist, etc.?

4. Get in touch with the underlying anxiety of those primary selves that are driving our Inner Critic. What are their fears and worst-case scenarios - disapproval? judgement? shame? rejection? abandonment? loneliness? What is the core vulnerability that their rules are trying to protect?

For example, our Inner Critic might be telling us that we are too fat and that we should go on a diet, join a gym and lose weight. In this case it is attempting to enforce the rules of the part of us that thinks we should always look slim and fit - the Physical Perfectionist. The anxiety behind this is that if we get too fat, people won't like us and might even ignore or ridicule us. This would touch those parts of us that feel inadequate and insecure - something our Inner Critic wants to avoid at all costs!

Loving ourselves

It is impossible to love ourselves until we can unhook from our Inner Critic. Separating from our Inner Critic enables us to listen to it objectively, understand its concerns and choose whether or not to act on its imperatives. The more we can embrace and care for the vulnerable parts of our personality that our Inner Critic is trying its best to help protect, the less it will be driven to do this for us.

As we take more conscious charge of our vulnerability we can begin to view our Inner Critic with compassion, respect the job it has been trying to do, and even be thankful for the light it has shone on aspects of our personalities that hitherto we might have been unaware of.

A Voice Dialogue Session

To see a demonstration of a Voice Dialogue session click here.

A new updated version of the Voice Dialogue Online Program is now available. It can now be accessed easily anywhere, at any time, enabling you to work through the 7 modules at your own pace. It is much more affordable than the original program and a great way to get an in depth introduction to Voice Dialogue, the Psychology of Selves and the Aware Ego Process.

The Basic Program includes:

• 7 video presentations providing a comprehensive introduction to Voice Dialogue
• Preparatory tasks enabling you to get the most out of each presentation
• 56 practical exercises putting the weekly themes into a personal, every day context
• Access to an extensive library of articles, videos, and MP3's covering all aspects of Voice Dialogue
• A monitored message board where themes, issues and questions can be shared and discussed

'Thank you so much for creating this online Voice Dialogue Program.  At first I was a bit sceptical at the thought of doing an online e-learning program of this type but it has exceeded all my expectations and has been absolutely brilliant! I have been involved with Voice Dialogue for a while now and I feel it is a very professional program. In my opinion both newcomers and people with previous experience with Voice Dialogue will benefit a lot from this. I certainly did! I highly recommend this programme! Many thanks John.'

Pia Lindgren, Psychosomatic Therapist 

Sydney, Australia

'I would recommend this course to anyone who wants to enrich their lives.

When I signed up for this course, I didn't know what to expect. I was having problems with my critic harassing me all the time - I called him my "Demon". Now I have embraced many of my different selves and it has worked wonders for me. I'm grateful to John for what I have learned on the Voice Dialogue Online Program.'

Mark Ouellette, self-employed, auto repair business

Peabody, Ma., USA

View a video endorsement of the Program  by Drs Hal and Sidra Stone.

My Inner Critic was slow to respond but when it did, its attack was devastating: "What a stupid thing to have done! Everyone will see how bad you are. You weren't focussed, you hadn't prepared, you asked leading questions, you were too prescriptive... And anyway, who do you think you are? There are much better and much more experienced people than you. What do you think they will say when they see your lousy performance?!"

That morning six of us had gathered at a studio in central London to make a couple of short videos for YouTube. I would be facilitating two Voice Dialogue sessions that would then be posted on our website and available for all to see on the worldwide web. With the cameras rolling and a small audience to play to, my Presenter - the extrovert part of me that usually takes centre stage when I teach seminars - had taken charge. He had strutted his stuff, delighted to be in the limelight.

But clearly, my Inner Critic hadn't been impressed. Later that evening, home alone and with time to reflect, he made his views felt. On a private "MeTube" video in my head, he projected every aspect of the demonstrations in minute detail. He zoomed-in, paused, magnified and replayed each perceived mistake as I squirmed with embarrassment. "You were hijacked by that Presenter, but you were not giving a seminar. It was an altogether more dangerous situation. What were you doing exposing yourself to the judgements of others, and making yourself a target for disapproval, ridicule and rejection?! You stuck your head in the air asking the whole world to shoot at you! You know that the only way to stay safe is to keep your head down!"

As I listened to this onslaught I began to recognise the rules of my primary selves - the parts of me that keep me safe in the world: don't show off, stay in control, think things through, and be well prepared. These were rules that I had lived by since my childhood. I realised that my Inner Critic was simply trying to enforce these rules in order to protect the more vulnerable parts of my personality - my younger Shy and Sensitive selves - and to make sure that I would never expose them in such a way again.

Suddenly I remembered another situation involving a camera. It was twenty years earlier when I was studying Voice Dialogue with my teacher Gail Steuart. I had done a lot of sessions with her and discovered many of my selves. I was aware that whenever I spoke from a different self my body language and facial expression changed. I wanted to see just how different I looked, so I bought a video camera and, with Gail's permission, arranged to film a session.

We set the camera up behind her in the doorway of the consulting room so that it would capture me whether I moved my chair to the left or the right. After a final check to make sure everything was in focus, I switched the camera to record and we began the session.

First she talked to a couple of my very competent primary selves - my Pleaser and my Rational Mind. They felt comfortable and not at all worried by the presence of the camera pointing at them over Gail's right shoulder. Then a young and tender energy emerged that was very shy. It sat tightly curled on the floor, did not look at Gail and whispered only a few words in answer to her questions. It was very sensitive, anxious about the feelings and opinions of others and afraid of being judged or rejected.

When the session ended we were both excited to see the video. I had clearly gone through some physical changes and was eager to watch my selves in action. While Gail made us some coffee, I rewound the film and switched on the wide screen TV. We took our seats for the show and I pressed "play" on the remote.

I was intrigued to see how as my Pleaser I moved my chair closer to Gail and leant towards her when speaking. My body language was open and my face warm and friendly. I maintained good eye contact and it even seemed like I was playing a little to the camera! As my Rational Mind I sat further back and was sterner in appearance. My face was tighter and my body language more guarded, arms and legs crossed. Again, I was able to look directly at Gail as well as at the camera.

I couldn't wait to see how I came across as my younger Shy self. I watched as that part of me moved to one side and sat on the floor, but was then astonished to see myself shift back until I disappeared completely from the screen! Gail and I looked at each other in amazement. Neither of us had been conscious of this at the time. I had moved to the corner of the room and curled up out of range of the camera. This was a part of me that really did not want to be seen.

To be on camera, or even worse on an internet video accessible to thousands if not millions of viewers, terrifies my Shy self. On reflection I could understand why my Inner Critic was so vitriolic in it's condemnation. I had totally disregarded the rules of my primary selves and my Critic's harsh words were an attempt at damage control. To be self-critical is less painful than being criticised by others. It is a form of defence, a kind of pre-emptive strike. If I can say, "I know I wasn't good - I wasn't focussed, I hadn't prepared enough, I asked leading questions, I was too prescriptive," it helps to shield me from the external barbs of those who might judge me.