TIP of the DAY
MEN be MEN
&WOMEN be WOMEN
Now that gender roles have been muddied up, men and women are easily lost in no-man's land when it comes to dating. When he knew what he was supposed to do, and we knew what to expect, it was simple.
Now it's harder than ever to find men who extend the traditions and courtesies that used to be the norm where dating is concerned, yet women still value and hope for men like they used to be.
Women have to hold men to the higher standards of yesterday or chivalry will actually die. Smart women respond to men who make it obvious that they value and respect women, so chivalry has never been taken off the table. Negotiate these things away by expecting less or accepting less, and you'll end up unsatisfied and longing for someone else.
When women compromise on the simple niceties in the beginning, they increase their risk of landing the bad guy. As women, we have to make sure we are dating men who are chivalrous by nature, and that shows up in uncomplicated ways. Considerate men aren't hard to spot, but they sure are hard to find. Just keep your standards high and be patient, they're out there.
While you're looking, keep in mind that these men know that women worth having and keeping make higher demands on them, on the relationship, and on themselves. These are women who take their time with the search and won't settle; they go through men fast when dating because they consistently eliminate the ones who don't measure up. This automatically keeps them on the right path for drawing in "the one."
CLUES
TO LOOK FOR If you find yourself asking these questions, move on to a different man~one who has the chivalrous quality you (and most women) crave:
"...is he ever going to ask me out?"
"...should I just jump in first and ask him out myself?"
SIDEBAR: You or your friends may be thinking he hasn't asked you out yet because he is intimidated or afraid you'll say no~don't fall for that thinking! Men are supposed to do the pursuing ~let them. If they don't, MOVE ON).
"...first date and he didn't even pay for my coffee/wine/dinner~should I see him again?"
"...does he pay, do I pay~should I offer to pay?"
"...he never asks for the next date right away...is he interested or what?! " I REPEAT~if you find yourself asking any of these questions, move on to a different man~one who has the dating etiquette you (and most women) crave.
Dr. Pat Allen~a licensed Marriage, Family, Child Counselor and member of the National American Marriage, Family Therapists and American Psychological Association, Co-founder and President of the American Depression Association and a Certified Addictions Specialist, from Harvard Medical School.
She is the author of numerous books, is a sought after speaker and has been featured in numerous publications. She is a frequent guest on many TV shows, including Oprah, and has made appearances on many major TV and Radio shows.
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KNOW YOUR DEAL BREAKERS
When you are looking for love, most of the advice is terrible fluff. We are told to learn how to talk to men a certain way, and to notice a man's good qualities. To help us get over a break-up we are told to put the past behind us, heal fast and get back out there~without holding the new guy accountable for your last guy's issues, and then, of course, give the guy a chance~don't judge him too soon, and, well, it just goes on and on and on.
I'm always irritated by that "helpful" information; it's stupid and it doesn't apply to any woman who has had even one terrible relationship, never mind a string of them. We were doing all that stuff to begin with, that's how we ended up in misery. Nope, no thanks. It's all wrong and it doesn't work.
Women should be hearing advice like this:
*To hell with how he wants you to talk to him, be who you are.
*Screw his good qualities~focus on his flaws. How else are you supposed to know which guy to eliminate?
*S-L-O-W down. You don't have to get back out there, you can be single as long as you damn well please. Slow down your healing, your thinking, your dating~all of it. There is no rush; be where you are.
*Be selfish. Say no without explanation. Don't answer the door or the phone. Leave the curtains closed. Be unpredictable and leave everyone to wonder what is going on. They'll deal.
*Practice disappointing as many people as you can~even your dates. It isn't all about them, now it's all about you. You don't have to be giggly, smiley, or chuckle talk yourself through dinner. If you don't like him, leave. He'll get over it. You don't have to be interested. Take care of you in spite of everything else.
*Stop the story. Resist the incredibly strong urge to tell the break-up story or the "what an asshole he is" story, at least for a few days at a time, or only tell the stories on the 15th of the month, otherwise, you have to talk about something else.
*Find your anger. Let your inner angry chick loose in the shower, where your wild venting will remind you that you ain't no stinking victim in this break-up~he wasn't all that anyway.
AN IMPORTANT TURN-OFF TO HAVE
ONCE YOU START DATING AGAIN
What should turn women off? Simple things, really. Like men who take too long to ask us out when we both know it would be on, if he would just ask. Or, men who are cheap on dates, always doing the coffee thing instead of an intimate dinner where you look at each other across the table and really get somewhere. The men who don't spend on dates are the men we don't want, but it isn't about the money.
We want men who make us feel like the only woman in the room, like we are special and he is enchanted with us~and other people can see it. We want romance that forms from memories of the places we went together when we met, and the fancy restaurants with the impeccable service, the white table cloths, the perfect music and the long wine list do the trick.
As we wait for that dream man of ours to show up and do (naturally and without being told) what men are supposed to do~which is pursue the girl, play the game, romance our pants off, and show us off, we start taking little crumbs of lesser men along the way. We are bored, and lonely; the whole world seems to be filled with couples, and then there is us...blah, blah, blah. We start tolerating mediocre dates with sad men who think we are only after a meal or a night out, and some how, sometimes, we are. If we feel especially low, we stay close to one of the sad men~first as friends, then, well, the rest is history because no one better came along. We settle.
Now we are stuck in no man's land in a relationship that isn't a relationship at all, and we are with a guy who is probably more jaded than most of the women out there, which seemed charming at first. We tricked ourselves. We empathized with him, and sacrificed our goal. This is when the pain sets in and the criticism and misery start.
When you end up with the guy who never spent a dime in the beginning, you are headed for trouble. For many reasons, what a man spends in the beginning is how we learn what he is made of~it is symbolic of what is coming next in the relationship on an emotional level, and it's a sign for how invested he is in us. Find yourself with a guy who doesn't spend in the early stages and it should be over on that point alone.
What we need to see when we are out with Mr. Cheap-y in the beginning, is that he either isn't really interested, he has one or more other women (or a wife) he is spreading his time and his money on, or, he is lazy in love and experimenting, that is, trying to find a lady who will tolerate a lot, expect a little, and allow him to not put much effort in. No woman wants to be the one who got stuck with the guy who doesn't participate.
We want the man who wants to be a gentleman, who respects women, and has confidence enough to put the little lady briefly upon a pedestal from time to time. When a guy makes a woman feel visible and valuable, she'll want more of him; it's a given exchange and it should be expected, guilt free.
We have to lose interest in men who don't know how to pursue, or why they pay. Desirable women who choose carefully, go for men who know what the hell they're doing and why they are doing it. Look for a man who can hit the ground running~one who knows what he wants, what we want, and how to deliver it~and we can, and should, then reciprocate. Men who value us, and who aren't hung up on how relationships and love develop, are the ones we should be on the lookout for. They have an ease about them, and confidence that is not too intense.
Confident men aren't troubled about
holding a woman in high esteem.
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Here's Dr. Pat Allen's take on
How to Attract the Right Man:
 | "6 1/2 Secrets of Love"
with Dr. Pat Allen and John Gray |
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"It is the woman who chooses
which man will choose her."
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