Ending a bad relationship is never seen as a positive goal for a new year, and it should be.  Instead, many of us will pick secondary things to change that we think are causing our misery, but in truth, they are only symptoms of the bigger problem.  Think of the typical resolutions like weight loss, debt reduction, more time with family, and realize that gaining weight, overspending, and avoiding time with family often happens because of our lousy relationships, yet we will spend another year stuck in the same troubled, unhappy, or even unsafe relationships trying to change the symptoms instead of the cause.  We know when it should be over, yet there we stay, and one of the biggest impacts and drains on our daily living comes from every interaction we have, or don't have, with our partners.  Everything is affected by it, even our other successes.   

Women who remain in bad relationships do so out of guilt, fear, obligation, or concern that we will loose everything.  We stay for our children, and even for our pets.  Our established habits, routines, and our cushy homes playing on our minds and we somehow put any and every concern over and above our own contentment and safety; there will always be a reason to stay when fear of the unknown plays a role in the decision making, and the longer you stay where you don't want to be, the stronger the illusion that you are making broken things work.

We sabotage ourselves from having what we really want and deserve from life, and from a partner.  We settle, and in silent misery, we accept what we should challenge, go through motions that should cause us to demand more, and we become disconnected, tolerating lack because we believe being treated nicely or being taken care of is expecting too much from a man, or that we somehow don't deserve it.  In believing that life is not meant to be easy or peaceful, we learn to cope with a life we don't want.  We learn to rely on routines that harm us because challenge and uncertainty doesn't live in the same realm as painful comfort and simple acceptance.  Habits are undemanding and easy; they do not expect us to grow or to challenge ourselves, or others.     

This new year, 2011, I hope you confront the habits that keep you stuck and face the unknown in spite of fear or uncertainty.  Leaving will always seem harder when you tell yourself it is the harder choice, but how could it be harder to live without chaos and unhappiness?  What you fear is what you must face.  

No matter what, the upheaval of a break-up is short-term, but staying in an emotionally bankrupt or abusive relationship is long-lasting, and harder on everyone, including children and pets; it is guaranteed pain and suffering.  It will always be easier to look for a reason to stay, or to pin the reason for staying on your partner or all the circumstances and concerns, making yourself quietly powerless, but the cold, hard truth is, that such a self imposed chaos-coping strategy will always sabotage your own happiness, your dreams, and your children's well being, never mind your own.   

Nothing controls you staying in an undesirable situation more than fear; start the new year off knowing that no one controls what you want to believe or what you choose to face.  Subtle changes that build internally at first create the space for liberation, and no one else has to be aware of it until there is enough of you ready for the next step, in due time.  

Getting into troubled relationships takes time and it happens because there was an unawareness about destructive people and about how you function with limited people.  Leaving is the same, it takes time to figure out what is going on and to figure out if you should stay, or if things could improve.  It took time to uncover awareness about him, and now it will take time to uncover awareness about you and how you've subconsciously developed coping strategies for survival that have kept you stuck where you don't want to be.  More awareness about him isn't needed, it's time to focus on you and it is a tremendous shift that will free anyone who can face it, because this is where your power is waiting.  It is like a three phase process, first the relationship comes and you settle into its routine, then the awareness about him slowly surfaces and you grapple to figure out what is going on, then the awareness about yourself comes up and you don't know what to do about it, and you are embarrassed in your early awareness.  The embarrassment can keep you trapped, but if you expect it and let it pass, you will see it is a phase each experiences as the leaving begins to happen on an emotion level.  It is a good sign!  You can't skip any of the steps; you just have to allow yourself time to grasp them, time to process the information you receive from them, and then you need to give yourself time to act accordingly.

As the New Year rolls in, slow down and use it to achieve even just one new strategy each month to gain momentum and get your power back.  Here are a five rules to keep in mind as you head into the new chapter of your life~2011 can bring you the life you long for, anything is possible when you work to bring your own happiness and peace.  

Five Rules for 2011 Success:

Start by thinking about these things first, keeping these ideas private and just imagine living this way until you are ready to put things into action

Rule 1: Self Care is your new priority

*No matter what, you put yourself and your wants first 

*You are guilt-free   

*You goals are non-negotiable

*You now say "No" without compromise or explanation

*You remember: temporary uncertainty outweighs long term chaos, struggle, & lack

*You find new things to read and new things to learn about 

*You re-establish previous interests, or develop new ones

Rule 2: Maintain Focus on the Big Picture

*Work toward your goal slowly, one day at a time 

*Use each new month of the year to achieve ONE thing that moves you even a little closer to what you desire

  *Anticipate hurdles, you will encounter them; don't allow them to throw you

*Observe when you are believing someone else's limiting ideas of you

*Notice when your thinking or self-talk sabotages your ideas, focus, or goals

Pay attention to what you are thinking at all times as you transition from in a relationship to out of a relationship~is it negative?  Catch yourself framing things in the negative...then stop yourself on the spot and put it in the positive.  (For example: "I can't..."  becomes "I'm learning to...")

Rule 3: Monitor How You Make Your Decisions

(This is often a difficult concept but it is crucial to creating a new life) 

*Start to believe that everything you do, or do not do, is a choice you make based on your thinking, your beliefs, your history, and your expectations 

*Start to see that staying isn't forced on you, even though it feels that way.  It is a mind game, a trick to keep you trapped.  The choice is really yours to make when you are ready to make it, and the power to choose differently is there all the time, whenever you are ready to exercise it. 

*Choose only empowering and positive thoughts 

*Keep "What If..." thinking out of the picture, it will paralyze you from making decisions that suit you.   

*No second-guessing yourself or your decisions; Eliminate conversations (even the ones with yourself) that include "yes, but..." or "I'm going to do this, but, what if he..."  just stop yourself mid thought, refocus on the decision with a quiet mind, stick to it, and let it be.  This takes lots of practice!

Rule 4: Take NEW Actions in Spite of Old Obstacles 

"Old obstacles" include: fear, money concerns, worry, "what-if..." thinking, "yes, but..." thinking, concern for pets, housing issues, medical needs, children and child care/schooling concerns, wanting to maintain comfortable habits, etc.)

*These issues will always be present; see the concern about them as an obstacle that causes you to stay stuck and unable to make a change  

*There are still real issues where these obstacles are concerned, naturally, but they no longer dictate your decision making 

*Know there are ways to address each obstacle without posing risks and use one of the months of this year to learn how you can take care of each one of these concerns so that your decisions about your life are not inhibited by them any longer

Rule 5: Have A Strategy for Maintaining All of the Above

*Get a mentor or coach

*Join a newsletter list or teleseminar group~especially one that has nothing to do with relationships but everything to do with capturing life success or business/money success.  This will help you stay on track and will cause effortless shifts in your thinking and focus 

*Read articles and books that support new ideas and different approaches to life, even if you disagree or don't understand it 

*Do not talk your story of relationship hardships to anyone outside of a professional you have turned to for help~for now; conversation about him is disempowering for you, and most friends and family WON'T get it anyway and they may interfere with your progress and goals.  Your new focus is on life success and how happy you are becoming with every new achievement.  *Reward yourself for small achievements, your success will be made from them.

It is time to take from life, fear and all.  Let go of "how it was supposed to be" and go for the unknown happiness you imagine, it is achievable.  There is no short cut through the pain or fear, you have to go through it, and as the new year begins, it serves as a perfect time to confront your demons, accept what is, and move on to a better life slowly and methodically.  

Break-ups are opportunities to capture a renewal.  They allow you to grow and create; they allow you to see what you have outgrown, or what you have missed.  They show you things you needed to learn about yourself, and about others, and they serve as reminders to pay attention to your intuition.  They call on you to realize that everything has a time, and right now, this is your time~this is your year to stand up and be counted as one of the women who said "Enough!  I want more."   

I wish you the best of luck on your journey and look forward to hearing about your success.  Happy New Year!