| Upcoming Gigs |
@ R-Bar
218 Bowery
New York, NY |
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Today In Metal History |
 On this day in 2009, Udo Dirkschneider mimed grabbing a pair of balls while singing "Balls To The Wall". |
| Hellion Of The Month |
Name:
Jonathan Leery
Location:
New York, USA
Metal Name:
Lucifer (plain and simple)
Credentials:
Will carefully dice your soul on a plate of fine China, and leisurely eat it over the course of a couple of hours, without ever having to switch his knife and fork hands. |
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In this issue, learn about our Dark Masquerade show Wednesday, and wonder at the worst metal band names in history... |
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| |  See Us Wednesday At "The Dark Masquerade" (8/17) |
This Wednesday, 8/17, we hit R-Bar in NYC for what will surely prove to be our most depraved show yet, a masquerade ball party with the sort of burlesque dancers we can't feature in this newsletter, in case you open it at work and get fired from all jobs forever. Also featured will be DJ Joe Letz, from the band Combichrist, who, if ya don't know, tour with Rammstein... who don't know that we've borrowed their flamethrowers--shhhhh!!! Here's The Facebook invite. Free masks at the door!
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| Worst Metal Band Names |
If we may brag for a moment, we've heard our own name, King Hell ('case you didn't know), described as "awesome", "killer", even "the balls". If we may sober up and reflect for a moment, however, that should tell you how low the bar is set. One thing's for sure though: we damn well don't have the worst name. That honor falls to these aesthetes...
Sleez Beez
 | | They got screwed, but also "blued"? ...I guess you'd call the day a wash. |
Ok, these guys are from the Netherlands, and this album was pre-Google Translate. That said, surely they knew what "bees" and "sleaze" meant--even if they couldn't spell either--and equally surely they had no idea why the two should go together. But, just in case Dutch bees do porn, we Googled "Netherlands", "bees", and "sleaze" and got this image:
 | | We shit you not. |
What did we learn? A) there are no sleazy bees over there; B) we don't ever... EVER... need to watch Dutch porn; and C) if these guys really were down n' dirty rockers, they would have been named the Tranzspecieez Whore-se Coxxx. Poseurs.
Nightwish
 | | Dood! I think there's a metaphor in here! |
Look, we're down with the neo-classical power-metal. But you know what else is called "Nightwish"? This:
 | | Not even Glade. |
The only thing metal about this is that it does happen to be our preferred scent for deodorizing our rehearsal space. (That and spilled whiskey.)
Helloween
 | | Metal bands and pastels: it should be banned. |
Maybe they don't have Halloween in Germany, where Helloween are from, and they imagined is was some super Satanic fest, so adding "Hell", whoa man--EXTRA evil! But, in fact, "Helloween" also happens to be the name of a company here who manufacture...
 | | Young Dracula, having a heart attack. |
...children's monster costumes. Then again, Helloween had a song called "Dr. Stein." Chorus:
Dr. Stein grows funny creatures
Let's them run into the night
They become great rock musicians
And their time is right
...You know what? They're clearly a children's band.
Dragonforce
 | | Seconds the later, the horses drowned, since there was only room in the boat for one of their legs. |
Dragonforce, whose songs are all played at 3,000 beats-per-minute, have been described as "Nintendo metal", which is doubly appropriate since if a girl ever catches you with one of their albums all you're gonna be doing is playing with your joystick. And, no, that's not sexist, because if you Google "female Dragonforce fan" you get this:
 | | At best, it's Pat. |
Then again, if that's the wallpaper in your bedroom maybe the Dragonforce albums can only help.
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Thanks for reading Hellions. See ya Wednesday at R-Bar!
Metal Regards,
The bastards in King Hell!
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