To tend to some family matters*, Doc will be unavailable to perform with us for the next few months. We had some exciting events lined up, and rather than bail and deny you incalculable pleasure, Doc urged us to play the next few events as a 4-piece. Doc has not left the band (really). He'll be rejoining us on stage in August.

  

* By "family matters", we mean incarcerated for attempting to smuggle endangered albino electric eels into the U.S. inside some rubber zoot suit pants.

Planetoid - Step Away from the Controls

Here's The Facebook invite. Show starts at 8pm, King Hell at 10:15. Note: We like presents. See the next article.

 
 

We like birthday swag. Since you likely can't afford what we most want--life-size Transformers--here are some more attainable suggestions... look, we're not reasonable people.

 
Stunt Doubles

 

Motley Crue shot up Jack Daniels. Ozzy snorted ants. Keith Moon blew up his drums--while playing them. When it comes to rock antics, these days it's damn hard to innovate--and damn dangerous too.That's why we need stunt doubles. They'll allow us to blow up our equipment using cruise missiles, steal an x-ray machine and give each other cancer as a gag, and snort Ozzy through a straw. 

Our stunt doubles will be comprised exclusively of Lee Majors, and his clones.

 

 A Tailor

 

When you tear your pants, it's because you sat down too fast. When we tear our pants, it's because we made an ill advised leap off an anvil. (Really, is there a well advised leap off an anvil?) Here's another difference: your pants weren't hand stitched by a guy called Phallus at Ramrod Fetish Wear, who just moved to Copenhagen with his lover (of indeterminate sex since he/she always wear a vinyl burka). Who the hell is gonna fix our pants??

Crotch goes boom!

  

 ...the editors of Rolling Stone.

 

Inflatable Amps

 

We're playing ever larger venues, requiring ever larger amps, and since our current gear weighs more than all the pyramids combined, we need a light weigh alternative.

  

Actually, this is just Mofo's codpiece.

  

What's that? Can't we afford roadies now? Ha! Don't you know music biz "success" is directly proportional to financial ruin? (That's why our world tour is scheduled around our jobs at McDonalds.) Now, unfortunately, inflatable amps technology doesn't exist yet, so you'll need to attend engineering school first. Look, would you rather work on our road crew? Alright then, hit the books!