One thing we hate in King Hell is failure. So we've put together these resolutions we KNOW we can keep. Follow them and feel great about yourselves too--mentally, that is. Physically, you're going to feel like absolute hell...
Resolution: Put on weight.
Why: We probably won't become anorexic, but why risk it?
How we'll do it: Train ourselves to eat with our feet, so we can we can devour coffee rolls with all four limbs at once.
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| The goal |
Resolution: Be meaner to people.
Why: Because, while enjoying listening to Slayer, we've had to take out our earphones too many times just so some doofus can ask us: "Cold enough for ya??"
How we'll do it: Ask them to hold our grenade. Pull the pin. Step off the elevator.
Resolution: Play worse live.
Why: We should be focused on our stage moves, since we're so god damn loud no one can even tell what song we're playing.
How we'll do it: Spend all of rehearsal drinking wine and doing black metal renditions of Miley Cyrus songs (currently only occupies 2/3 of our time).
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| How we imagine Miley Cyrus. |
Resolution: Never get out of bed.
Why: You can't leave the house without pants, Hitler wore pants, and who wants to be associated with Hitler?
How we'll do it: Wine + Ambien = You just woke up in 2052.
Resolution: Drink more.
Why: We like a challenge.
How we'll do it: Dazzle you with a magic trick, and while you're distracted use your liver.
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| And now we'll just levitate you over to this operating table... |
Resolution: Procrastinate more.
Why: Because Family Guy is on.
How we'll do it: Will ourselves to also sit through Americand Dad and The Cleveland Show.
Resolution: Read less.
Why: Wurds r harde.
How we'll do it: A couple drops of liquid acid in the old eyeballs should turn our dyslexia up to 11.
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| We failed everything--except chemistry |
Resolution: Be less responsible.
Why: Job counselor said "Do what you're good at."
How we'll do it: Invent a time machine and visit our past to make sure we screw up at the 2 jobs we never got fired from.
Resolution: Be sexier.
Why: There's nowhere to go but up.
How we'll do it: Shower.
Resolution: Make love like a man.
Why: Def Leppard told us too.
How we'll do it: First, we'll cover ourselves in mud so the enemy can't detect us with infrared...
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| In New York, you pay $500 in a salon for this |
...then we'll throw some ninja smoke...
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| Actual ninjas |
...and finally, when the enemy is completely blind to our presence, we'll come up behind them and snap their necks, Special Forces style!!
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| Rambo, and a suspiciously Mexican looking Viet Cong soldier |
...Oh, wait, we were supposed to make love in there somewhere, right? You know what? F*ck Def Leppard.
Friday @ Ace Of Clubs: Resolve To Rock!
