| Upcoming Gigs | | Thurs. 6/17, 10pm - 21+
Public Assembly
70 North 6th St.
Brooklyn, NY |
Today In Metal History
|
 On this day in 1980, Ronnie James Dio said "Look out!" kinda like "Hrrlookowt!"--and it sounded fucking awesome. Wherever you are now Ronnie, give 'em hell! |
| Horoscope |
By Nostradamus
A simpering smile
A treacly tune
An awful soul, concealed beneath a foul, helmet of hair
...Justin Bieber is the Anti-Christ. |
If you had this email forwarded to you by a friend, sign yourself up for our newsletter here:
Newsletter Signup |
|
 |
In this issue, learn about our upcoming show in Brooklyn, our cancelled show at Six Flags due to "religious differences", and how Guitar Center jobbed us out of a van... |
|
|  King Hell Returns To Brooklyn (and we could really use your support... not to beg or anything) |
It's been sometime since we've played Brooklyn, but now that the whole I-coincidentally-have-a-beard-just-like-all-my-other-iconoclast-friends thing is subsiding, we're ok going back. Thursday 6/17, we're the gynorockingly named "Hipsterwrecktomy" party at Public Assembly in Williamsburg, and we've gotten word that a high level manager will be there to see us. We won't say who, since we might queer the deal (as is our special talent) but he, or she, or it has masterminded the meteoric ascent of multi-platinum acts. So... it would be most boss of you to come. We're ordering flashing devil horns for the occasion. You can even have two pairs. Here's a link to the Facebook invite! 
|
|  Six Flags Being Rescheduled, Thanks To Jesus |
So, we were supposed to have played Six Flags "Live And Local" showcase last weekend, but it's being postponed (no date yet, but we'll letcha know). Why? Well, the park wasn't paying close enough attention and booked us on... Christian Day. Really. We would have been prohibited from using the word "Hell" in any signage--for instance, featuring our own name. We tried to think of a pseudonym to go by, like "Jesus's Super Bad Ass Rockin' Cross Warriors Of Heavy Metal Heaven" or "Stryper", but nothing quite fit. Mind you, we would have played--oh boy, would we ever have--but somehow Six Flags was wise to the fact that we wouldn't actually change the chorus of Bad Mofo to, "And he sure, loves his mother!" So, instead of scaring the bejeezus out of families, we spent the weekend at home... praying to Lucifer. |
 | Guitar Center Screws Us Out Of A Van |
 A little while ago, Guitar Center ran an essay contest asking why your band was the most deserving of winning a van. We submitted the stunning work below, but some band with retarded hair won. Read the essay and you'll agree the fix was in. They're also harboring Osama Bin Ladin.
Give Us A Van, Dammit
Hello to all of you at Guitar Center!
My name is Samwell, of the New York City metal band King Hell! We've already made converts of everyone in our state, and now want to preach our glorious musical Word around the country. We need the van you're offering to be our Satanic church bus!
Even within New York, the price of getting to shows is outrageous. Taxis cost a credit card per mile, and cabbies here are carefully screened to make sure they have a psychological disorder. (We've lost 8 drummers and 4 bassists to car crashes this year alone, and you know how hard they are to replace.) Being a metal band, we've also grown our stage show massively this year. Last June we had only a two-horned anvil made of pink insulation foam and Bondo. (True.) Today, we've just purchased Jimmy Page's Scottish castle--the one owned by Aleister Crowley. (Possibly true, but it definitely figures into our future plans!) We want to reassemble it on stage at every show, but transporting it would require 1,523 cab rides, in the process of which we would lose an average of 2 more band members per gig.
Touring is brutal right now. Without a van, bringing the Crowley castle with us is impossible, so we've had to resort to taking the much less impressive stage set from Iron Maiden's "Powerslave" tour, which we got from them at a yard sale. We load it onto a rolling barge we pull by hand, but we're deeply embarrassed to take this inferior production with us. A van would give us some towing capacity, and allow us to at least bring the cannons we bought from AC/DC.
* A van would also let us bring other touring essentials, like:
* A heated, king-size water bed, for the ladies...
* Our guitar and bass amplifier stacks, plus the 4 inflatable replicas of each we put up on stage to look EXTRA BOSS.
*
100 pounds of raw meat, to feed our roadies.
*
A walk-in cooler, for our brewery.
*
150 gallon drum of industrial lubricant, 10 crates of Tabasco, and 1 shaved yak. Don't ask, ok? What happens in the van stays in the van.
* Our drummer's 97 piece drum-set, including a rack of 24 roto-toms, 15 digitally tuned cowbells, and, of course, a rotating cage to mount it all in.
*
Our 666 foot tall, half-demon, half-even-bigger-demon mascot Megadevastatorizer, who juggles burning people.
* Merchandise to sell, like King Hell suits of armor. (T-shirts are for the weak.)
* The New York Philharmonic Symphony, to play Wagner's "Ride Of The Valkyries" live as our intro music.
* Stacks of C-4 plastic explosive. You can destroy your gear on stage, or you can destroy the the club, and your gear along with it. We like to stick in people's heads. Literally.
Given how wiped out we are by our touring situation, we don't have too many road stories to impress you with, but here's the awesome one we're imagining. A reunited Led Zeppelin-featuring a zombie John Bonham, resurrected when Jimmy Page learns a new voodoo spell-hears our undeniable music, and, since we already have their castle, they offer to let us open for them. Luckily we have our van and can take the job! One night at a hotel, Bonham steals the van, drives it right up an elevator shaft to the roof, and when he sees Justin Bieber leaving the same hotel, steers it over the edge onto his stupid hair helmet, setting off the explosives in the van and destroying everything within a square mile. Then Bonham plays a 45 minute drum solo with the burning girders of the hotel. If you give us the van, this will certainly come true!
Now, doubtless, you've received thousands of entries from other bands, claiming they are the saviors of rock n' roll. Let me assure you, it has become known to us through visions, prophetic dreams, and our thousands of disciples that WE are the one, true saviors of rock, and these other bands are liars and antichrists. NO ONE can beat our dedication! Our other singer is having his larynx switched out with Axl Rose, who apparently isn't using his. Our guitarist quarried his axe out of solid rock. Our bassist has spent the past year studying Bootsy Collins up close--in fact, hiding in his bass cab. Our drummer is in Haiti researching the aforementioned spell to reanimate John Bonham, and I've penned this amazing essay, which clearly stands as the towering achievement in the history of the written word on rock.
About the extra $5,000 prize money, I should also mention that all of us have a terminal disease, such as full-body athlete's foot, degenerative cold sores, and an extra deadly strain of the bird flu that comes from condors. Also, every one of our mothers needs an operation, and Cuddles, the band puppy, has gone bald. The money would afford us life-saving treatments, going first to buy ointment for Cuddles, of course.
In conclusion, I'd like to say: give us the fricken van and the dough. Together, we can restore rock n' roll to its rightful throne, resurrect John Bonham, and give Cuddles back his soft, irresistible-to-touch fur. Thank you for your time, and God bless every one of you! |
|
|
Many thanks for reading, King-Hellions. Next issue, we'll fill you in on two exciting "live and rare" EPs to be released--The Devils Horns!
Metal regards,
The fooligans in King Hell! |
|
|
