| Upcoming Gigs |
| Mon. 11/2, 8pm - 18+
Santo's Party House
96 Lafayette St.
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Today In Metal History
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 On this day in 1992, Kerry King stabbed himself quite severely with his signature spikes and was too embarrassed to seek medical attention. |
| Horoscope |
By Nostradamus
Behold the the Four Horsemen riding on a black wind
Heralding plague, pestilence, famine, and war!
...by the way, the cute Horseman with the long eyelashes? Yeah, his name's Chad, and he's a total slut. He's slept with, like, all my girlfriends. But we think he's gay and trying to cover, so be careful, ok hon? I know you're still really vulnerable after that thing with Robert and... oh crap, everyone's reading this. We'll talk later.
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In this issue, learn about our upcoming show with Green Jelly and check out some of the worst metal album covers of all-time... |
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 Opening for Green Jelly In NYC (Mon. 11/2) |
Once more, we're opening for crazy ass theatrical schlock rockers Green Jelly (AKA Green Jello)! As well as being underground gods, they had a huge hit in the '90s with their song Three Little Pigs. The show is Monday, 11/2, 8pm at Santo's Party House in NYC, which is the biggest joint we've played in the city (so we'd be most appreciative if you came out). As you can see from the flier, Green Jelly are like Gwar on acid. They've got a guy dressed as a serial killer tomato--and you thought we made no sense. Our first show with these guys was complete bedlam, so if you're looking for a truly debauched evening out, don't miss this show. Also, it's 18+, so bring some impressionable youth with you! Don't leave them with the tomato. Click here for a link to the Facebook invite. 
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 Worst Metal Album Covers - Part 1 |
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Metal: it aint subtle, and nowhere is that better reflected than it its album cover art. But when metal album covers go bad, the blend of forcefulness, awful concepts, and poor execution results in a spectacular retardedness unmatched by any other rock genre. And we're proud of this. So we're sharing our favorite examples with you in two installments. Behold...
#5 - Stryper: Isaiah 53:5
We're not sure what fever dream Christian metal act Stryper stepped out of, but they're coming to save your soul, dressed as bumblebees, driving an attack camper. They're kinda like the A-Team after a nervous breakdown. Dig the guy on the right. He brought his own missiles. He's extra ready for a wild night of not-having-sex and Bible study.
#4 - Pantera: Metal Magic
A) yes, this is the same Pantera who would go on to release Vulgar Display of Power. They used to look like this:  B) in case you don't speak Spanish, "pantera" means panther, which is why the put a picture of a, um, cat monster on their debut album... actually, what the hell is that? Really, it looks more like a collie. A demon Lassie, with a belt and no pants, wielding what looks to be a poorly conceived turkey carver certainly constitutes "metal magic", but, still, this cover looks more like a banner for a high school football team--the historic enemy of scrawny metal heads everywhere.
#3 - Flotsam and Jetsam: Doomsday for the Deceiver
Another awesome entry in the "Dude, my friend is a sweet artist and he'll do our cover for some weed" catalogue of metal album art. What do we learn from this cover? Well, Satan lives at the corner of Flotsam and Jetsam streets, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon can totally wreck him. And, fear not, the lyrics from the record are equally killer. A selection from the song "U.S.L.W":
Tonight we take the stage again,
To shock you and capture your holes.
Nothing like getting stunned with a cattle prod and having your orifices taken hostage.
#2 - Man-O-War: Anthology
While Man-O-War have a song called "All Men Play On 10", we're pretty sure Man-O-War play with each other. The "metal warrior" front and center here is wearing a bedazzled loin cloth, ugg boots, and appears to be fisting a yorkie. And, yes, that is Fabio on the left. We hope you like their songs "Blow Your Speakers", "Sign of the Hammer", and "Gloves of Metal" , 'cause they're definitely gonna play them for you when you're forced to watch them at Chippendale's in hell.
#1 - Attila (Eponymous)
What makes this the worst metal cover here isn't the awful concept. It wins because Viking on the right is none other than a young Billy Joel. We swear to god. As metal covers go, there is no worse spoiler than the Piano Man, though, ironically, this record also has best titled metal song ever, "Amplifier Fire, Part 1: Godzilla", later re-recorded as "Uptown Girl". |
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Metal regards,
The bastards in King Hell! |
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