| Upcoming Gigs |
Saturday, 1/31 - 9:30pm - 21+
New Songs Showcase!
at Arlene's Grocery
95 Stanton St.
New York, NY
www.arlenesgrocery.net
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Today In Metal History
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On this day in 1984, Ronnie James Dio winked at a woman in a bar and accidentally put a curse on her.
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| Horoscope |
By Nostradamus
In the temple of Syrinx
Artemis spies on the nymphs
His skin flute's music heralding
The coming God... Ejaculatum!
...ok, I know that was really juvenile. But look who I'm working for. When I write serious prophecies for these clowns they come back with notes like "Needs a dick joke." The economy sucks and I need the money, so get off my back. |
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 In this issue, watch footage of a brand new song from our forthcoming live DVD, get the scoop on our New Songs Showcase, and read why it takes us so damn long to finish tunes... |
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 Live DVD Clip - A Bastard Like Me
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| And now (crazy drum roll) watch us debut one of our new songs, also to be included on our upcoming CD. This one's called... A Bastard Like Me! (You cheer wildly.)
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 New Songs Showcase |
 Saturday, January 31st, at 9:30pm, we return to Arlene's Grocery in NYC to play a show of all our new songs. Be the first to hear kickin' new jams like Retarded Forces of Doom, and Bad Motherfucker! Listen to us continue our fine tradition of writing super hooky songs, then stuffing them so full of swears no radio station will touch them. |
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 Our Songwriting "Process"
 Why does it take us a century to finish a song? It's because we're a nuanced metal band (which is about as necessary as a lumberjack who juggles). Here's a description of our how we write music that should explain all...
- After 6 months of songwriting, we produce a sure-fire hit single so catchy it makes "Sweet Child O' Mine" sound like a used car lot jingle. Time to destroy it.
- We realize we never tried a mariachi version. Instruments and outfits are ordered. Months are lost trying to find a sombrero that fits co-singer Doc Thompson's massive head.
- A mariachi version of the song is recorded. It is indescribably awful. I mean, bad. We decide to return the song to its last incarnation, but no one can remember how it went.
- Trying to reconstruct the song, we hit a wall: one of the guitar chords requires six fingers to play.
- Scientists are brought in, but they determine the only appendage capable of playing the necessary chord is Jimi Hendrix's dick.
- At the cost of all future earnings, we clone Hendrix's man-aconda and graft it to our guitar player Motherfucker's hand. Before he can pluck a string, Hendrix's dick overdoses and dies.
- Desperate, we hire a room full of monkeys to bang away on toy pianos until they reconstruct the song by accident. Months later, success!
- We realize we never tried a polka version. Repeat step 1.
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| Many thanks for reading King-Hellions! We appreciate your interest in us... but, really, seek help.
Metal regards,
The bastards in King Hell!
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