By Julie Sena 

Welcome to the third and final article in our series featuring domestic violence survivor Susan Hamlin.  The response to this series has been overwhelming.  We are privileged to be able to have such an open and passionate discussion about a case that made national news.

In this article in the series I wanted Susan to shed some light on public opinion of what a survivor "looks like" and how our current system and laws are failing victims of domestic violence.  As a former attorney, Susan has unique insight into what is broken. 

The Center: How do people react now when you tell them you are a survivor of domestic violence? 

Susan:  People are surprised - 'I don't look like the type.'  Or 'I seem so strong'.  There is no 'type', and it isn't about being strong or weak - it is about who has the power.  In my case, the balance of power shifted so gradually over such a long period of time, it was unnoticeable to me.  If he had punched me in the face as we came home from our honeymoon, I would have been out the door with no looking back.  But it never happens that way.

The Center: What was the trial like for you?

Susan: The trial was extremely difficult.  It was very public.  The rest of our lives depended on the outcome of the trial - and because it was delayed so many times, our lives were in limbo for those years that it was pending.  We were very fortunate that our situation was so severe - that is the only reason he was held without bail for the duration of the court process.  We felt safe only because he was in custody.  I remember the prosecutor telling me to be working on Plan B in case they didn't get a conviction.  I felt panic come over me - there was no Plan B - we would have to disappear, and how do you do that with four children?

The Center: Would you like to see changes in the legal system for people charged with domestic violence?

Susan: In our case, I stayed in a dangerous situation, in large part because I knew if I reported, Richard would be out on bail the next day and he would be madder than ever.  Statistics show that the danger increases when the victim is attempting to leave.  Ideally, I would like to see the abuser held without bail pending trial, as was done in our case, to allow the victim the safety to report the abuse.  Of course, the timeline for going to trial would have to be shortened in those cases where bail was denied.  Defendants' rights advocates would argue that the risk of false accusations is too great to deny someone's liberty prior to a conviction.  I would argue that the harm to society of domestic violence going unreported, and the risk of physical harm or loss of life to the victims, warrants the denial of bail pending trial.  Additionally, with the separation of the family court from the criminal court, the two systems are operating without any apparent regard for the overlap of issues with respect to domestic violence.  Again, I stayed in a dangerous situation, in large part because I knew Richard would be granted joint custody of the children and then I wouldn't be present to shield them from the abuse. 

The Center: Is there anything you'd like to express to our readers that we haven't covered?

Susan: I think one piece we didn't cover is the brainwashing that occurs with domestic violence.  I remember feeling so confused - I thought I was crazy.  It had been going on for such a long time and I kept getting smaller and smaller as the balance of power shifted.  My thoughts were not my own.  I had been focused on Richard's mood for so long, and trying to think of how I could manage things better.  Richard was in control of everything, including my thoughts.  He characterized our relationship as loving and special.  As bad as our situation got, I did not think it was a situation I should flee from.  As a result, I was only looking at the usual options - separation or divorce.  For the reasons discussed above, I didn't think divorce was a safe option.  Once you have children with someone, you are forever tied to that person.  Richard threatened to take the children from me by making me believe I was unfit and he had all the power.  I was concerned that if I wasn't the focus of his abuse, he would abuse the children.  This made leaving not a viable option for me.  If this brainwashing is involved, the victim will never be successful in leaving until the abuser gets out of the victim's head.  This can only happen with separation and no contact.  The Detective told me something the day of Richard's arrest - 'If we see your name on the visitors list at the jail, your case will be lost'.  I remembered that always and it was very helpful.  There were moments where the brainwashing surfaced and I thought I should be supporting my husband and not pursuing the charges against him.  If I had gone to see him, he would have gotten back in my head and I would have lost my resolve to stand up against him.  If I had gone back and sided with Richard, I would have lost my children.  When I was able to look at it that way, my head cleared and I grew stronger.  The brainwashing creates a very strong hold on someone who has been weakened through abuse.

This concludes our Survivor Series.  Thank you for joining us and we hope you've enjoyed this series and gained some insight into the life of a domestic violence survivor.

I've enjoyed writing this series and I'd like to thank Susan Hamlin, for her courage, her honesty and her willingness to share her story with us.  You Rock Susan!

"In the end we will remember not

the words of our enemies

but the silence of our friends."

  Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.          

Get ready for a Fantastic Voyage!

The El Dorado Newcomers Club will hold a

Fashion Show and Luncheon to benefit The Center on Saturday, April 8th at 11:30 am at Lake Natoma Inn, Folsom

The celebrity commentator for the afternoon will be Kitty O'Neal with Fashions by BeSWANK, Runway, Sandra D's & Off Broadway.  There will be raffle prizes and a silent auction to round off the afternoon. 

A delightful menu is planned!

Tuscan Grilled Chicken

with Artichoke Hearts, Olives

and Roasted Garlic 

 Garlic and Chive Mashed Potatoes

Grilled Vegetables

and Cheesecake Dessert!  

Tickets are $45.00 and reservations for open seating are due by March 25th. Mail your check made out to EL DORADO HILLS NEWCOMERS to:

Carolee Worley

520 Slivaner Ct,

El Dorado Hills, CA 95762

Questions? Email Carolee at

 carolee_worley@comcast.net

Tickets are available on a first come first served basis for this popular sell-out event!

We look forward to seeing you there! Click here for the event flyer. 

Grants from Allstate and The California Partnership to End Domestic Violence have allowed The Center to put together a financial empowerment series designed to help survivors gain control of their economic circumstances.

Often in a domestic violence relationship the abuser rigidly controls the finances, withholds money and credit cards, prevents or sabotages the victims efforts to work, and often steals any money the victim earns or had coming into the relationship.  Once a victim decides to leave, it is difficult to get their financial legs back under them.  

This series was designed to help victims make the transition from unempowered to Empowered!

The series will run on the 4th Tuesday or Wednesday of the month beginning March 22/23, and will run

until August 24th. The class will be offered Tuesday evenings from 5:30 to 7:30 pm and Wednesday during the day from 10:00 am to 12:00 pm.  

These classes will not replace the normal DV groups that meet at those same times.

The Financial Series Topics are as follows:

1. Understanding Financial Abuse
2. Learning Financial Fundamentals
3. Mastering Credit Basics
4. Building Financial Foundations
5. Creating Budget Strategies  

The series will also feature a community resource panel and personal 1-on-1 sessions with local financial planners.  

Click here for the event flyer.

For more information about the Economic Empowerment Project, please contact Martha Borders (530) 295-4205 or  MarthaB@thecenternow.org