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Dear , 
IVF is all over the news these days with the birth of the California octuplets. Much of the emphasis has been critical of the ethics of the medical profession and the failure in some cases to provide psychological screening and support. To keep things in balance, I want to highlight the fact that there are a lot of happy parents out there. So much about IVF goes right.
Even without negative press, patients who are in the fertility challenge are steeped in a preponderance of negativity. Feeling the inability to conceive as a failure, feeling out of the mainstream, feeling misunderstood by family, friends and others, finding life and relationships nearly unrecognizable - these are part of the seemingly endless negative gravitational forces. Whoever is in this challenge would need so much strength and resiliency, especially when the demands and disappointments of treatment itself are added to this long list.
The negative press about infertility needs to be scrutinized. But it is important to put this in perspective so as to not give up prematurely. There is a propensity for the human mind to scan for negativity. On some level, this is what keeps us safe. But all too often, negative statements are embraced and become part of an underlying belief system. That is an undermining perspective.
In my work with infertility patients I teach people myriad ways to stay positive and to navigate around negative messages. I help people to recognize when these negative messages are self-generated. It is important and possible to find a positive approach to even the most negative news.
Under the best of circumstances, the need for Assisted Reproductive Technology is mood-altering. When love-making to create your baby is replaced by this technology, it can feel as if the heart is overridden by science.
This issue of The Baby Manifest-O is devoted to a heart-warming story about surrogacy written by Sharon Otterman. Sharon magnificently captured her transition from the arduous demands of this technology to the full embrace of a path of last resort. Ultimately, this put the emphasis back on the heart and the opportunity for positive outcome. Sharon's article is followed by her lawyers' explanation of the process of surrogacy.
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Six hysterosalpingograms, three surgeries, hundreds of blood tests, one failed IUI cycle, four failed IVF cycles, and one miscarriage all led to the same conclusion: my scarred uterus (from a routine gynecologic procedure from many years prior) was a "hostile" place for an embryo to implant. I didn't want to believe it was true. The business woman side of me wanted to believe if I worked harder and persevered I could fix it.
From the beginning of my quest to become pregnant, my doctor suggested surrogacy was the best option for me. I was horrified. What I heard was "a stranger carrying my baby". What I was told was "lots of legal and financial issues." What I cried about was "how will I bond with a baby I don't carry." What I grieved over was "how can I not pee on a stick and it show up positive and celebrate with my husband as he admiringly rubs my belly."
So I kept getting the shots and kept doing unsuccessful IVF cycles and kept spending hours doing acupuncture and kept drinking crazy teas and being consumed by the journey, not the outcome. Then one day, I saw a segment on the Today Show about surrogacy and it painted such a different picture than what my doctor had described. I watched in awe as the surrogate and the intended mom talked about their positive experience. The same day my husband's friend miscarried twins at 37 weeks. He came home horrified that that could be me given my troubled uterus. We decided that night that the first action we could do as parents is to give a baby a better embryonic home that I could provide and that we would pursue finding a gestational carrier the next day.
My surrogacy journey was so different than what my doctor described. What he forgot to tell me is what you gain in this process. He forgot to tell me the amazing people you meet: selfless women and families that sacrifice their uterus and their time to help you achieve your dreams. He forgot to tell me that you, in turn, can help a family. The money you spend helps change another family's life. It's actually a "win-win".
The relationship with our gestational carrier began the day we went through the exhaustive doctor's appointment. The bonding, though, began the day of the transfer. My gestational carrier and I held hands as my doctor took my embryos and transferred them to her uterus. When the pregnancy test came back, she was the one to call me and was sensitive enough to say "You are pregnant."
My husband and I went to every doctor appointment and every sonogram with her. (We were having twins!) We sent her food for every craving, including overnighting Philadelphia Cheese Steaks. We had her call us in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. Her husband called my husband when she made him run out in the middle night for ice chips at 7-11. She called me the minute they kicked for the first time. She explained what she was feeling at every moment and when and why. And because of her experience, she knew what to do when the water broke at 29 weeks, which saved our babies' lives.
Our twin girls were born on September 23, 2008: happy, healthy and 100% ours. We were there during labor and during the first cries (ours and theirs). When we held them for the first time, it never crossed my mind of how they got here. They were here and they were our babies. The days of sitting for hours at the IVF clinic waiting to get blood drawn seems like a lifetime ago. The days of living my life by my monthly cycle seems like a blur at this point.
As I snuggle with them today, I can hardly remember why I was focused on being pregnant versus being focused on having a family. This is so much more fun.
Sharon has generously offered to consult with anyone who is struggling with transitioning from focusing on pregnancy to focusing on parenthood via surrogacy. She can be reached at sharonotterman@hotmail.com or 917-842-8785. Thanks to Sharon, Melissa and Lauren for their willingness to provide this valuable information. | |
A Letter from Sharon's Lawyers
As reproductive attorneys, it has been our pleasure to have assisted hundreds of individuals and couples on their journey to parenthood. Our clientele is located throughout the country and throughout the world. No matter where they reside, by the time most Intended Parents arrive at our doors, they are emotionally drained from the highs and lows of multiple IVF cycles, and sometimes, feel that they've failed themselves for having to rely on a third party to have a child. It is our job to offer them hope, inform them that a gestational carrier arrangement can be a wonderful experience, and guide them along the approximately eighteen month journey to parenthood.
We strongly believe that clients come to our office because we provide them with excellent legal work and so much more. Because learning about and entering into a gestational carrier arrangement can feel overwhelming, we make every effort to simplify the experience for Intended Parents by offering them the services of an Intended Parent Coordinator for the journey. The Intended Parent Coordinator matches them with a Gestational Carrier and generally acts as a support system for the Intended Parents for the full length of the journey.
On the first step of their journey, Intended Parents meet with one of the attorneys and with one of our Intended Parent Coordinators. Together, the criteria that the Intended Parents are seeking in a Carrier is determined. Intended Parents are sent profiles of Gestational Carriers to review, and if the Intended Parents are interested in a particular profile, the Intended Parent Coordinator will schedule an introductory phone call between the Intended Parents, the Carrier, her husband or partner, and the Intended Parent Coordinator. This is the first real opportunity for the Intended Parents and the Gestational Carrier to get to know one another and it is an opportunity for them to discuss important topics such as diet, lifestyle, termination, and their feelings on a multiple pregnancy.
Once they are matched, further screening is completed on the Gestational Carrier, including a criminal background check and a home study. At the same time, our legal department reviews the Gestational Carrier's insurance to determine whether there is any exclusion that could be a basis for the insurance company to deny coverage for a gestational carrier pregnancy.
The next benchmark on this exciting journey is the clinic date - when Intended Parents and their Gestational Carrier undergo psychological and physical screenings to determine their mental, emotional, and physical fitness to enter into this arrangement. During this time, the Intended Parent Coordinator is in contact with the Intended Parents and the Gestational Carrier, answering questions and providing support. In the meantime, a week before the clinic date, the legal department has sent the Intended Parents an initial draft of their Gestational Carrier Agreement. If the clinic date goes well, then the negotiation of the Gestational Carrier Agreement begins.
When the Gestational Carrier Agreement is fully negotiated and ready for signature, the Intended Parents are responsible for fully funding their escrow account. Intended Parents are relieved of the burden of reimbursing a Gestational Carrier for travel expenses or making a monthly payment on time, and instead, can focus on building a relationship of trust, confidence, and mutual support with their Gestational Carrier. At the same time, the Intended Parent Coordinators continue to maintain contact and provide support, encouragement, or congratulations when appropriate.
If the first transfer doesn't take, we commiserate. When pregnancy is confirmed, we celebrate. By the end of the first trimester, we have already discussed with Intended Parents their pre-birth or post-birth options for obtaining legal recognition of maternity and/or paternity over the anticipated child. As the pregnancy progresses, we prepare and submit the necessary documents with the Intended Parents' and Gestational Carrier's full knowledge and participation.
This is a broad and all too brief description of the experience of Intended Parents who ask us to accompany them on this journey. At all times, it is our goal to smooth and simplify what is inevitably an emotionally-charged time. But, at the end of this journey, the Intended Parents' lives and the lives of the Gestational Carrier and her family have been immeasurably enriched by this unique and powerful experience.
Co-Written By: Melissa B. Brisman and her associate Lauren Cuozzo who practice exclusively in the field of reproductive law. Attorney Brisman is considered to be a leader in her profession by her peers. She employs an experienced and qualified staff of legal and administrative professionals and is licensed to practice law in Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania. Melissa B. Brisman, Esq., LLC, is located in Park Ridge, New Jersey, offering a full range of services, including matching carriers with intended parents. Melissa Brisman and Lauren Cuozzo can be reached at info@reproductivelawyer.com and via the web at: www.reproductivelawyer.com. |
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Spread the word!
You are invited to a free introductory workshop where you will have a chance to experience the value of mine/body approaches.
Infertility typically leaves people feeling out of control. While you cannot control the situation that you are in, you can control how you navigate it.
Our mind/body groups will teach you:
- Effective ways to reverse the mental and physical discomfort of stress
- A panorama of coping mechanisms from which to choose
- How to assess and meet your needs
- How to tame and transform the intrusion of negative thoughts
- How to identify and work with your emotions
- How to enhance communication with your spouse/partner and others
For more information or to register, email Helen at helen@helenadrienne.com. | |
I welcome feedback from my readers.
Helen Adrienne, LCSW, BCD
Psychotherapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist,
Practitioner of Mind/Body Therapy
420 East 64th Street, New York, NY 10065
212-758-0125
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