Inward Bound eZine, January 2008 (From Sedona)

The Big Roller Coaster
Attachment to the world out there

About two weeks ago there was a giant color photo in the NY Times, a half a page, of a woman meditating. Being a meditation teacher, I was very happy to see yet another sign that meditation is going mainstream. Of course, I was expecting this photo, though not in color and not quite this big. This photo was of me, as we had been recently interviewed by the Times. It had the caption, The Spirit Moved Them. It was about me and my husband and our 'retreat type' home in Sedona.

Initially I felt elated, giddy. I mean, it's a big deal to be in color in the New York Times. I didn't think the article or the photo was very accurate or flattering, but mostly ignored that aspect, and sent it to my friends, clients and family. Most people responded positively. And I was happy.

Then later that day, I read a couple of blogs about the article. Some bloggers had expressed opinions about me and my husband, based on a few hundred words about our life. And some of these opinions were not particularly good. They had surmised that we were selfish, self absorbed, not spiritual at all, etc. I was disappointed. Yes, it is true, sometimes I am selfish, self absorbed, and not spiritual at all - that can probably be said for just about anyone. But still, their opinions made me mad.

I thought, no wonder there is war in the world; these people hate me based on a few paragraphs that they read. I didn't see any chance for peace in this world.

This was a great lesson for me. I was knocked off balance; I realized I was the one who wasn't at peace. I got to once again experience the ups and downs of my sense of well being based on external cues. It took until the morning of the next day to realize that my reference point, in all the excitement, had moved away from the steadiness and harmony of my own spirit, or what Deepak Chopra calls "self-referral," and shifted to the objects of my experience, like unflattering blogs (boo) and kudos from friends (yay).

The opposite of self-referral is object-referral, and that was what I was experiencing. And I can tell you it is stressful and exhausting. Object-referral means we become influenced by objects outside the true Self or the Spirit, which include situations, circumstances, people, and things. And none of these external cues are permanent, so it can be a very bumpy ride. Our thinking and our behavior is in anticipation of a response and we are constantly seeking the approval of others. It is therefore fear-based, and is the cause of suffering.

When we are in this frame of reference, object-referral, there can be an intense need to control things. Just like I truly wanted to set these bloggers straight. The need for approval, the need to control things, and the need for external power are needs that are based on fear. This kind of power is not the power of the spirit, or real power.

On the other hand, when we experience the power of the Self, there is an absence of fear; there is no compulsion to control, and no struggle for approval or external power. I wanted to get back to that. At least I had taken the first step. I noticed this shift. So, once, again, I relinquished my need for external approval. I couldn't even imagine what happens to those people who are really in the public eye over and over again. It must be brutal without meditation, or a shift in awareness.

Deepak Chopra says, "In object-referral, your internal reference point is your ego. The ego, however, is not who you really are, it's your self-image; it is your social mask; it's the role you are playing. Your social mask thrives on approval. The power you gain from this is false power; it lasts only as long as the object of reference is there. If you have a certain title - if you're the president of the country or the chairman of a corporation - or if you have a lot of money, the power you enjoy goes with the title, with the job, with the money. Ego-based power will only last as long as those things last. As soon as the title, the job, the money go away, so does the power."

"Your true Self, which is your spirit or your soul, is completely free of those things. When you are soul centered, you are immune to criticism, not fearful of any challenge, and feel beneath no one. And yet, there is humility and you feel superior to no one, because you recognize that everyone else is the same Self, the same spirit in different disguises." "The power we gain from this point of reference is permanent, because it is based on the knowledge of the Self. And there are certain characteristics of self- power. It draws people to you, and it also draws things that you want to you. It magnetizes people, situations, and circumstances to support your desires. This is also called support from the laws of nature. It is the support of divinity; it is the support that comes from being in the state of grace.

This real power is such that you enjoy a bond with people, and people enjoy a bond with you. Your real power is that of bonding - a bonding that comes from true love. That's the essential difference between object-referral and self-referral."

With a daily practice of meditation everyone can get back on track easily. When we transcend or go beyond the objects of our experience through meditation, we can experience the eternal quality of the soul or spirit, and reestablish the qualities of the soul and true self daily, again, and again.

Read the NY Times Article