Breaking the Silence December 2010 ~Happy Holidays

On December 10, 2005, suicide happened. It was a Saturday and I was getting ready for the holidays. In the hurry of the season, I had forgotten my cell phone. By the time I returned home, I discovered my mom had called several times but I was not available. When I finally returned her call, I could hear it in her voice. There was something terribly wrong. She proceeded to give me the news that she found my dad in the yard. He had taken his life. Britta's Dad

I couldn't even believe what I heard. My first thought was he was cleaning his gun and it went off ~ by accident. But somehow I knew. It started to make sense. Somewhere deep inside, we all knew. Dad had not been acting right these past few weeks, months, and if we thought hard enough, we would have realized he had not really smiled in years. He had slowly changed but the problem was we did not know what we were seeing. We missed it.

That Thanksgiving, my parents came to visit. While with my dad, I felt something different. He decided not to hunt, something he had done every Thanksgiving since I was little. But he explained it away saying he would rather spend time with us. We were happy! Dad was finally starting to slow down, spend more time with family, getting ready for retirement. It was a good thing!! However, during the visit, I remember feeling like this was the last time I would see my dad. Somehow I sensed it, something was going to happen. But my thoughts went to a heart attack...I NEVER considered suicide.

During the weeks after Thanksgiving, he became even more distant. Almost as if he was in another place. On the morning of his death, mom confronted him again. She asked what was wrong. She shared that he did not seem right but again, he dismissed it or gave plausible excuses. He was tired, getting older, ready to slow down, trying to figure out retirement. It all made sense and maybe to him it was true too. He probably did not know either. He was just as confused. Little did we know that these are the warning signs of suicide. Mom finally pushed the issue and got him to agree to see someone on Monday. Unfortunately, that day would never come.

Over the years, we have tried to make some sense of this confusion. The thing is with suicide, you never really know for sure. You come up with reasonable explanations in an attempt to answer all the why's!! You think you have it figured out but as soon as you do, there are numerous reasons to shatter that explanation and create doubts. So you accept the fact that you will never fully know, at least not in this lifetime. With that you agree to accept that which makes most sense to you and learn to move on. When the doubts come, you remember that you made this agreement with yourself so you can learn to live with the pain and find peace.

Each of us handles grief differently. As a way of healing, I became more involved in suicide prevention and intervention efforts. I have learned about the warning signs and risk factors of suicide and now train others. It is my way of trying to make a difference, to reach out to others who encounter suicide, and hopefully save a life. I was not able to save my dad but it is my way of easing the pain. If I can help just one person, it also helps me!!!

Articles:

http://www.nwitimes.com/news/local/lake/article_25ec7b74-3345-5c1c-b74d-e8fd7bd807fc.html

http://brittaneinast.blogspot.com/2009/12/what-if.html

http://brittaneinast.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-journey-to-understand.html