In reflecting on this, my twenty fifth Father's Day, I have noticed that fatherhood itself has had some challenges since I joined the club. Whereas it was once simpler and more clearly defined, in this era of single parents, blended families, same sex marriages, and myriad other new configurations, not to mention the evolution and redefinition of women's roles in our society, acting as the fatherly figure of the past often no longer fits the situations that arise. Even in my own early days of dadhood, there were no cell phones, no iPods, no Internet, no Play Stations, no texting, no Eminem - sounds kind of dull and sluggish, actually, but life is so much more multi-dimensional in the modern age, and young people so worldly, it becomes more difficult and confusing to perform the part we are asked to play.
Here are some parental distinctions I've made that transcend the period, observations I believe to be more timeless and hopefully practical for your use and reading pleasure.
1. You can never "should have done something yesterday" today. Opportunity tends to knock once, twice if you're lucky, and those little daily miracles will not wait for you to make time. Pay attention now, right now, to your children, or before too long the window will close. And keep your promises. What you may think is no big deal may be monumental for your child- do what you say you'll do.
2. Your children are people- little people for now perhaps, but people nevertheless. They will have likes and dislikes, rules and feelings that may differ from yours, and tastes that will vary wildly over time. Be patient, and let them have some space to learn for themselves, because what you resist they will dig into, whether they really want it or not. It becomes a matter of principle, and you cannot and will not win that war, no matter what happens in any particular skirmish. Step in only when you must, and even then, remember how you felt when your seniors did it to you. Discretion is the better part of valor. Let the process unfold in its perfection. They'll come around- or they won't, but they will do it their way, sooner or later, so you may as well help in a productive way whenever you can.
3. Words spoken in anger or derision can be like swords slashing through your relationship. As a tree can be felled in a flash by a lightning bolt, and so too can a surge of rage or scorn damage or even destroy what you have built over the years. Before you flip, consider the consequences, and think again. And no throw-away sarcasm- they can't filter it, so no name-calling. Get a grip, you're the grownup.
4. Love is the only thing that works all the time. And when it does- we do. Love unconditionally - if you can't love the behaviors, love who's doing the behaviors. Never, ever forget, you are responsible for your actions, and when you make them loving actions your chance for success grows.
As the proverb says, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If you see something you don't like, look in the mirror before you vent. And remember how important your example really is. While they seem to be ignoring you in favor of friends or technology, they are watching and imprinting what you do, more than what you say. Your kids, like all things natural, are hard-wired to succeed and flourish- as long as there's no interference, so pick your battles. And keep in mind you are contributing to the development of the next crop of mothers and fathers, so think about where the buck stops. It will come back to reward you and future generations, a true Father's Day gift that keeps on giving.
