Here is some more "food for thought" which I am sending out in the months between my regular In The SpotLight newsletters. These are excerpts taken from past newsletters I have written that still have much relevance today. I would love to guide and support you in working on this challenge. Please consider my Getting Over Stage Fright workshop and/or some personal coaching if you would like my guidance in learning how to transform this fear. If you are interested in the workshop, the next one is being planned for January, 2013. Keep your eye out for a notice about this as we will be confirming a date very soon. I hope you will be able to join us as a great start to the New Year! You can find out more information about the workshop by visiting http://www.performanceanxiety.com/workshop.htm. Enjoy! Janet Past newsletters are archived at www.performanceanxiety.com/newsletter_main.htm.
 
Giving Yourself Permission to Be Average
"People want to be exceptional but fear they are not even average."
I read this somewhere recently and it caught my attention, as it seems to speak to the fear of so many of us who have performance anxiety. While not all of us may be striving to be "exceptional", it seems that most people I have encountered with this issue expect and demand a lot of themselves and often fear they will fall short of the expectations that they (and others) hold for themselves when they are in the public eye.
Looking back on my own life, I recall a lot of attention being placed on how well I did in my academic performance. I grew up in a family that highly valued intelligence and achievement, and my sisters and I were expected to perform well in school without question. There was never any acknowledgment or support for our achievements (as they were seen as a given) but there was a powerful message of disapproval and lack of acceptance if we didn't do well (which I greatly feared and learned to avoid at all costs).
I responded to all of this by becoming a high achiever very early on, doing what was expected of me, like it or not, and trying to earn the acceptance and approval of the authority figures in my life through my achievements. It seemed to work as I often received approval from others for doing well.
So, naturally, I carried this into my adult years, earning positive regard from others by achieving above average performance and fearing negative consequences that might come if I were not to meet up to others' expectations for me. As time went along I became someone who was deeply attached to an identity of consistently doing well and being seen as a competent, capable person with a good reputation.
I was so attached to having a stellar reputation that I became terrified of being seen as anything other than the confident, capable person I projected out into the world. My worst fear was losing the credibility and respect I had earned over the years, which had become such a core part of my identity, of what I had worked so hard to achieve.
I had a lot of investment in ego concerns related to the image I projected to others and how I was perceived by others. My need to have people always see me as a shining star left me feeling the need to hide that vulnerable part of me that was feeling scared and unsure of myself at times. The more I tried to hide this "unacceptable" part of myself, the more I became afraid I would be found out, and the more the fear would spiral.
So, coming back to the issue of many of us feeling such a driving need to excel, to be better than average, to be excellent, to be exceptional, to be perfect. All of this self-focus around needing to be, and be seen as, a top performer feeds the ego. And what feeds the ego ultimately feeds fear, as the ego fears loss of whatever it has attained. Fear of loss of credibility, loss of respect, and loss of reputation are the big three for many of us.
To step out of this vicious cycle, we need to move away from our ego concerns about how we will be seen by others. We need to also challenge our own self-judgments which command us to always do well, to do it right, to meet everyone's expectations of us (especially those of peers and authority figures).
We need to become more humble and give ourselves permission to be average human beings doing the best we can. The phrases "Average is enough" or "Average is adequate" give many of us over-achievers great relief when we embrace and practice it. This does not mean to lower your standards and abandon your work ethic. It means to stop caring so darn much about always having to look so good and always having to get it right.
Life is filled with paradoxes and it seems the less we care about excelling, and instead place our focus on the task at hand, the better we end up doing. Not to mention that this also allows us to enjoy the process rather than experiencing the pressure and tension of trying so hard to do well all the time.
So often we make speaking and performing all about us and it is helpful to remind yourself over and over "It is not about you!"
I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help!
Warm wishes,
Janet
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Janet Esposito, M.S.W.
In The Spotlight
PO Box 494
Bridgewater, CT06752
860-210-1499
jesposito@performanceanxiety.com
www.performanceanxiety.com
Copyright 2012, Janet E. Esposito, All Rights Reserved
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