"You can't release and dissolve fear unless you are first willing to acknowledge and fully accept it." Joe Nunziata Personal Note from Janet I just spent a wonderful weekend with another amazing group of people at my Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop. It continues to warm my heart to see the transformation that is possible when people come together in a safe and supportive setting to work on this fear. While we often feel we are broadcasting our fear to others when we speak or perform, this is just not the case. We saw this over and over again at the workshop. People were astounded to hear that another participant was having a very high level of anxiety while speaking. It was either not apparent at all, or just slightly noticeable, even when they were experiencing very high anxiety and were on the verge of panic. This has also been the case in all of the workshops I have held over the past 14 years. People have felt reassured to discover that while they may be highly anxious on the inside, and having bodily symptoms that they feel are extremely obvious, their symptoms are not as apparent as they think. Most often people are not able to detect the anxiousness at all. In some cases, when it is detectable, it looks much milder on the outside than it feels on the inside. When it is visible at all, it tends to look more like some nervousness or discomfort rather than full blown fear and anxiety. Try to remember this when you are speaking or performing. People cannot see or know what is going on inside of you. And the more you take the focus off what is going on inside of you and, instead, put the focus on your message and connecting with individuals in your audience, the more the symptoms will begin to ease naturally. The weekend before my workshop I attended a fantastic weekend workshop with a wonderful speaker. After telling him that I help people who have stage fright, he shared with me and the group that he had once been terrified of speaking and never imagined that he would become a professional presenter. Two things that made the biggest difference for him were deep breathing and learning not to care about pleasing others. This happened after he gave a great presentation where he got rave reviews from everyone, except for one scathing review. At that point he realized it was fruitless to try to please others and he was able to give up trying. Instead, he focused on being of service to others by sharing helpful information and let go of his attachment to wanting others to like him and how he presented. This is certainly a good example for all of us to follow. I am so grateful this speaker did not allow his fear to stop him from sharing the valuable information he has to help me and others. So many of us allow our fear to stop us, or limit us, from sharing what we have with others in a group setting. It is so important for us to not engage in avoidance behavior. Instead, we need to learn (and use) a better approach to help us manage and ease our fear and anxiety so we are able to more fully express ourselves in the world and make a bigger contribution to others. I would be happy to help guide and support you as you work on this challenge. Please visit my web site to learn about the many ways I can help you through my books, CD, newsletters, workshop and coaching. Sometimes we also need a refresher, so if you have had any lapses along the way, I encourage you to contact me for some support and reinforcement. ***One last thing...for those of you who have read my newest book, Getting Over Stage Fright, and who have found that book helpful to you, I would love to have you write a review on Amazon if you are willing. I have many positive reviews of my first book, In The SpotLight, on Amazon (and always welcome more), but relatively few reviews of my Getting Over Stage Fright book. These reviews make a huge difference for so many people when they are wondering whether a book will be helpful to them or not. It would be a big help to me and others if you are willing to let others know how this book has been helpful to you. I thank you in advance if you are willing to do this to support my work in helping people with stage fright. A few things to note... The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop is being planned for September 22-23rd, so please be sure to sign up as soon as possible as the time will be here before we know it. You will also get the benefit of an Early Bird Discount if you sign up early. You can find more information about the workshop at http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm. See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear. I want to thank those of you who have given me such positive feedback about my books and CD. I am very thankful for your words of appreciation for my work and knowing it has brought such value to you in helping you with this challenge. If you are willing to write an Amazon review (or Barnes & Noble review) on either (or both) of my books and/or CD, I would greatly appreciate it. I hear over and over that seeing positive reviews on books and CDs is a big factor that influences whether someone will get the item being reviewed. My heartfelt thanks to those who are willing to do this to support my work! If you have not yet read my newest book, Getting Over Stage Fright, you can find out more about it and order it by visiting www.performanceanxiety.com/GOSF_book.htm. You can also visit www.amazon.com to read some reviews of my book and order it there. Also, if you order this book, be sure to request the special Checklist of Tips I created as a free bonus to those who purchase my Getting Over Stage Fright book. Many people have found this checklist to be very helpful in dealing with their speaking or performing challenges and I am sure you will, too. A few other things of interest: ***Please visit my Facebook page and "like" my page so I can connect with you more there: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Janet-Esposito-In-the-Spotlight/212818652062429 ***And here is my You Tube debut, if you have not yet seen it (not perfect, but good enough). Please be sure to post a comment, too, as I would love to hear from you! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YFVkFdyZrg ***I am excited to announce that I now have three translations of my In The SpotLight book in the following languages: Polish, Czechoslovakian, and Portuguese. This is amazing synchronicity in that my family heritage is both Polish and Czechoslovakian so it feels even more special that some unknown forces in the universe are at work with publishers in these two countries seeking out my work (not having had any idea of my family background, especially given my married name is Italian)! One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
 
Pure Inspiration
This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me, with your first name, last initial (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity), and job title and field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear!
Here is an inspirational story from a former workshop participant who also has done some coaching with me:
I am writing to share a 'success story' with the 'In the SpotLight' community, and also to thank Janet for her help. I have struggled with public speaking anxiety for many years, but instead of my anxiety decreasing over time, it actually began to intensify sometime last year. I knew I had to take action when I was sitting at an informal work conference with people I knew well and was asked to update the group on my weekly activities. A huge wave of panic and fear slammed into me as I started to speak, and I couldn't go on.
Immediately after this meeting I was online looking for help. I found Janet's website and books right away and ordered her first book. In my mind, the fact that Janet could empathize with this challenge because of personal experience gave her an authenticity and authority that other therapists or authors didn't seem to possess. After reading both of Janet's books and feeling like I was making progress, I began to think about attending her workshop. Ultimately, I knew this was the right decision, so I signed up.
As others have remarked, spending the weekend with a dozen or so high-achieving, interesting, compassionate people who happen to face the same challenge was a powerful experience. The speaking exercises were very useful. For me, watching the DVD of myself speaking in front of the group several weeks later was empowering. I remembered feeling nervous while I was speaking, but when watching myself noticed that I came across as relatively confident and relaxed - I have since watched this DVD several more times, and it continues to be tangible proof that I can do this. I continue to think about the individuals in my group, particularly when I am facing an upcoming speaking challenge. To paraphrase Janet, she told us to think of her as our coach, and each other as teammates.
More recently, I sought Janet's help during some one-on-one phone sessions to help me prepare for a talk I was asked to give at a research conference. Knowing she was in my corner was a significant benefit as I prepared, especially in the days immediately prior to the event. I feel I did well with my talk and was able to educate and communicate effectively about my research without becoming overly anxious or panicking while speaking. I focused on not comparing myself to the speakers who came before me, and tried to really listen to what they were saying instead of becoming distracted by thoughts about my upcoming talk. I still have work to do - I was quite anxious in the hours leading up to the talk and felt some panic set in briefly just before I was to get up to speak. But overall I am learning to incorporate several useful methods to cope with this challenge, and now I have a new positive public speaking experience in my back pocket to carry forward.
Andrew, Physician
100% Self-Acceptance, No Matter What!
It is human nature to resist things that make us feel a lot of fear and discomfort and to judge these things very negatively (eg., the negative feelings we often have toward public speaking and performing). It is also natural to not want to feel fear and anxiety and to do everything we can to not have to feel this way. This is especially true when these uncomfortable feelings intensify into feelings of panic and lead us to feel a loss of control within ourselves, which is often what happens when we are in a full-blown fight-or-flight reaction.
It seems counter-intuitive to allow and accept, and even embrace our fear and anxiety and not try to run from or fight off what we experience as such terrible and scary feelings. We are often afraid that if we don't resist and try to control these feelings the flood gates will open and we will be overtaken by our fear and anxiety and lose all control.
Yet, the more we become frightened by, resist, and try to control our feelings of fear and anxiety, the more we fuel these feelings and end up feeling helpless and powerless in the face of our fear. Paradoxically, when we allow and accept, and even embrace our feelings, our symptoms, and ourselves in the midst of our intense inner discomfort, the more we step out of the vicious cycle that gives these feelings such power over us and these feelings begin to ease naturally.
I was recently listening to someone speak about the idea of giving yourself 100% self-acceptance when in the midst of feeling fear and anxiety and how powerful this can be in soothing yourself and healing your inner experience with these challenging feelings. I have likewise spoken of the power of giving yourself full, unconditional self-acceptance in the same way you would give to your child or another loved one who was facing a similar struggle.
It is amazing how powerful the practice of self-acceptance can be: to accept yourself fully, completely, 100% no matter what! It means fully accepting all of your inner discomfort and saying to yourself that it is okay to feel this way. It means accepting yourself exactly as you are in that moment instead of thinking you "should" be doing better than you are or you "should" be like someone else. It means fully accepting whatever symptoms you are having (even with the possibility they could be detected by others) and letting your discomfort be okay. It means fully accepting however things turn out rather than feeling you "should" have done better than you did.
100% self-acceptance is very liberating and can free you from the inner critic and inner judge who always have a way of pointing out how you are falling short and how you should be better than you are. 100% self-acceptance, no matter what, doesn't mean that you resign yourself to your discomfort or that you don't try to improve upon how you handle the stresses and challenges you face. It simply means that you are going to be your best friend and ally and you refuse to turn against yourself or diminish yourself in any way, even in the midst of very stressful circumstances.
When a child gets unconditional love and acceptance from a parent, he/she learns to feel safe and trusts that he/she can turn to the parent for love and support when things get tough. You need to become that parent for yourself and create a foundation of safety and support within yourself. Unconditional, 100% self-acceptance is an important building block for a strong inner foundation and goes a long way in helping you to feel the inner safety, support, and trust that you will be there for yourself when you face your challenges, no matter what!
Action Steps:
1. Reflect on what it means to you to give yourself 100% self-acceptance, no matter what (in the areas of public speaking and performing and in other areas of life). Notice how it feels to fully, unconditionally, and lovingly accept yourself even when you are having very uncomfortable and undesirable feelings, symptoms, and experiences. Think about how you would strive to help your child or another beloved person to feel safe and supported during times of challenge and struggle and imagine giving yourself this same gift. And then try it out and discover for yourself how liberating and healing self-acceptance can be.
2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.
3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.
4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.
Something else to consider:
Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with others. The address for this discussion board is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please pass this newsletter along to anyone who may benefit from it, but please be sure to keep it intact. If you do not wish to continue receiving this newsletter or any other announcements, simply respond to this email with the word "Unsubscribe" in the subject line and your name will immediately be taken off of our mailing list. If you have any difficulty reading this HTML formatted newsletter, please let us know. Email webmaster@performanceanxiety.com. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help! Warm wishes, Janet Janet Esposito, M.S.W. In The Spotlight PO Box 494 Bridgewater, CT06752 860-210-1499 jesposito@performanceanxiety.com www.performanceanxiety.com Copyright 2012, Janet E. Esposito, All Rights Reserved | 
