"If we don't change the direction we are headed we will end up where we are going."
--Chinese proverb
Personal Note from Janet
As this newsletter arrives in your inbox, I am heading back home from a two week trip to Italy. My husband Rich and I have been talking about taking this trip for years and we finally made it happen. It is amazing how easy it is to put off doing things that bring us outside of our comfort zones, even when they are fun and exciting things (not just the things that scare us). If you have been putting off doing things that you know you "should" do, or want to do, I encourage you to take action now and make them happen. It is very disempowering to avoid and put things off and very empowering to take action and step up to things that challenge us or stretch us in new ways.
Speaking of things that are challenging, I had another great workshop in March with another amazing group of people who feel very challenged by their fear of public speaking. You would never know it if you were in a room with these people, as they don't show the high levels of fear and anxiety they feel inside when they are speaking. All of them showed either no anxiousness on the outside, or very minimal. This has been consistently the case over all of the years that I have been doing the workshop. So, rest assured, your anxiety is not as obvious as you think it is, even if you are feeling it intensely inside of yourself.
The two things that helped people the most when waiting their turn to speak were slow, deep breathing and listening to others. Listening to others helps a great deal as it takes the focus off yourself, helps you connect with others and see things more realistically, and brings you into the present moment rather than focused on the future in anticipating your turn. I encourage you to practice these two things when you are waiting your turn to speak or perform, and see the difference it can make it easing your anticipatory anxiety.
The other thing that helps greatly is "riding the wave" when the anxiety does rear its head at times. Instead of trying to fight it off or run from it, imagine you are surfing a wave in the ocean and relax into it rather than stiffen and tense up in response to the fear. The wave of fear will subside naturally, and it will do so even more quickly if you accept it and learn to not be frightened by the feelings and sensations it brings.
This month I am sending you a few resources to help you with your speaking or performing anxiety. I am resending my "GPS System for Getting to a Calm and Confident Destination when Speaking or Performing" (see below) to help you move in the right direction as soon as you learn of a speaking or performing event. This has been a very helpful resource for many who have seen it in the past, so it serves as a good reminder and reinforcement if you read it awhile ago. If you are newer to our community and have not seen it yet, I encourage you to read and review it several times and also make sure you apply it as best you can.
Another resource I am sending is a recent article that I wrote for Psychology Today that provides a brief overview of the holistic body, mind, spirit approach that I write about in my second book, Getting Over Stage Fright. Here is the link: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201202/getting-over-stage-fright-becoming-effective-public-speaker.
And, finally, I am sending a link to a TED talk by Brene Brown called Listening to Shame:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html. She refers to her earlier TED talk on vulnerability and I encourage you to take a look at that one too if you have not yet seen it. Most of us who have speaking or performing fear have an aversion to feeling vulnerable and associate it with weakness and shame. Brene challenges this association and shares a new perspective in learning to embrace vulnerability and release shame.
I would be happy to help guide and support you as you work on this challenge. Please visit my web site to learn of the many ways I can help you through my books, CD, newsletters, workshops and coaching. Sometimes we also need a refresher, so if you have had any lapses along the way, I encourage you to contact me for some support and reinforcement.
If you are interested in learning more about the Getting Over Stage Fright Mastery Group, please visit www.performanceanxiety.com/mastery_group.htm and be sure to contact Marla Genova at Marla@SupportForSocialAnxiety.com for more information. I am very excited about this new group and hope you will be able to participate as it will greatly help you make solid progress with your speaking or performing challenges.
A few things to note...
The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop is being planned for June 9-10th, so please be sure to sign up as soon as possible as the time is fast approaching. You can find more information about the workshop at http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm.
See www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.
If you have not yet read my newest book, Getting Over Stage Fright, you can find out more about it and order it by visiting www.performanceanxiety.com/GOSF_book.htm. You can also visit www.amazon.com to read some reviews of my book and order it there. Also, if you order this book, be sure to request the special Checklist of Tips I created as a free bonus to those who purchase my Getting Over Stage Fright book. Many people have found this checklist to be very helpful in dealing with their speaking or performing challenges and I am sure you will, too.
A few other things of interest:
***I now have a Facebook page and I hope you will visit and "like" my page and become a fan so I can connect with you more there: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Janet-Esposito-In-the-Spotlight/212818652062429
***And here is my You Tube debut, if you have not seen it yet (not perfect, but good enoughJ). Please be sure to post a comment, too, as I would love to hear from you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YFVkFdyZrg
***I am excited to announce that I now have three translations of my In The SpotLight book in the following languages: Polish, Czechoslovakian, and Portuguese. This is amazing synchronicity in that my family heritage is both Polish and Czechoslovakian so it feels even more special that some unknown forces in the universe are at work with publishers in these two countries seeking out my work (not having had any idea of my family background, especially given my married name is Italian)!
One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
 
Pure Inspiration
This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me, with your first name, last initial (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity), and job title and field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear!
Here is an inspirational story from someone who took my workshop several years ago and had a powerful experience in breaking through his fear of giving formal presentations:
PRIMAL FEAR
Over the course of 30 years (since high school), I had found every excuse and possible escape mechanism to avoid standing up in front of others and speaking ...until Janet's "In the Spotlight " book and workshop.
I graduated college in Accounting and ended up working for a multi-national company for 24 years. In fact, I evolved thru the financial organization and ultimately became Controller responsible for all accounting functions for its U.S. subsidiary. I was recognized in my company as a consistent high achiever who delivered results and was a respected leader. However, a vicious gap was growing in my mind - the more I progressed professionally, the greater the need (and inability!) to make financial presentations in front of varying constituents: Boards, management, employees, etc. I was very active at a senior management level with the perceived stakes being very high.
Over the course of my career I was able to lead and participate effectively in meetings and projects. I could also make presentations.... as long as I was sitting down in my seat. While not logical, an extreme level of fear and panic arose any time the thought or opportunity arose that I might actually have to get up out of my chair ... stand up ......walk up to the front of the room ....and begin a formal presentation.
I do not use the term "extreme fear and panic" loosely. I would have a significant panic attack characterized by sweating, rapid heart rate and inability to breathe if it might even be possible that I might have to stand up and speak. My biggest fear was that I would be exposed to others as a fraud - that I would completely embarrass myself and could not speak a word. In fact, I truly thought I would die or even worse...look like a fool.
Now, if you ask how I got to a senior role without the ability to speak in public......I must admit that it took creativity, hard work and pure avoidance of any possible situations that might trigger my fears. I developed very effective "crutches" as alternatives to standing up and speaking. I could lead discussions while sitting down or ask others to present. My primary strategy was to avoid forums where I would have to speak formally, including: senior management meetings, international seminars, monthly financial meetings, project updates or ANY meeting where a formal presentation would be required. In fact, I avoided all forums where I might have to stand up and introduce myself.
I have only told very few individuals about this fear due to the embarrassment that I had surrounding this "failure" and "weakness". The ironic thing is these individuals were convinced that I was a very articulate and effective speaker! My strategy had worked about ensuring that my speaking was always done in a controlled (i.e. non-formal) environment.
During my career, I had the opportunity to either attend various seminars on public speaking or utilize executive coaching. My problem, however, was not lack of preparation or having to "polish up" my presentation skills. I COULD NOT STAND UP IN FRONT OF OTHERS without either a full panic attack in front of senior management ....or dying ....with dying being the preferred option to avoid complete and utter embarrassment. Thus, I never had found any workshops geared to my level of anxiety about public speaking.
I came across Janet's web site, and it captured my attention immediately. Its focus was not on becoming a polished speaker, but rather, on overcoming the very basic and primal fears of speaking that I had long possessed. I ended up signing up for a 2 day seminar in Chicago and buying the book that was required reading.
I devoured the book in short order. The fact that Janet had experienced and largely overcome the fear of speaking provided a personal story that gave added understanding and legitimacy as an author and seminar leader. The book captured many of the stories, behaviors and struggles I had encountered along the way. Yet, I was still not convinced, however, that the seminar would be effective for me or that I would even show up.
As time grew nearer to the seminar, anxiety arose on whether I could really do this. I had read the materials, prepared and practiced a speech, but was just not convinced. Historically, I had backed out of many similar situations at the last moment. I flew to Chicago, checked into the hotel and again still stressed as to whether I could do this. Sort of funny, but I did begin to recall many of the tools in the book and it helped me to control the anxiety.
On the morning of the seminar, I did not have my usual cup of coffee as Janet had indicated in her seminar instructions. This helped calm my fears and made me begin to think of all the times that a high level of caffeine probably exacerbated my anxiety.
I walked downstairs to the conference room on a Saturday and something unexpected happened after I took a deep breath and entered. Everybody attending looked normal! As introductions commenced, I soon found out that our group included: a lawyer, investment advisor, medical professional, a CPA and many others who were very articulate and were high achievers. This floored me and broke down a paradigm that I had with respect to successful people not having this challenge.
The seminar was structured in a "safe" and supportive environment with Janet being a very effective leader and facilitator. My level of anxiety was very high at the beginning, but surprisingly improved as we progressed thru various discussion topics and skill building exercises. It was very illuminating to hear and share stories with the group and to receive (and give) honest feedback. A very common theme emerged as members of the group (me included!) were overly-critical of themselves or worried about issues that no one else could notice.
The final exercise of the seminar was to present a 4-5 minute speech in a formal environment. A key part of the process was to manage the anxiety and panic with waiting your turn to speak. This was to be done by applying skills (tools) highlighted both in the seminar and book. Surprisingly, I was calm awaiting my turn to speak. I focused on listening to the respective speaker rather about worrying about my speech. In addition, I was approaching my speech as the opportunity to communicate rather than my past mission of "can I survive the speech?"
As Janet introduced me, I walked to the front of the room, took a deep breath, and paused for a very brief moment before beginning. As we had been asked to simulate a real-life situation, my speech was a structured as a management review of the monthly financial performance (this is a typical responsibility for a Controller). I had a one page "cheat sheet" with issues and figures that was to be a reference (or crutch?) if I lost my way. I felt strangely comfortable and actually enjoyed the speech. I focused on eye contact and communicating concepts rather than worrying about people were thinking or where I could run to. I wrapped up on speech in 4+ minutes.
This was the first time in 30 years that I actually stood up in front of a group and gave a speech.
The feedback I received was very positive and helpful. Many noted that I never once looked at my notes even though I was explaining complex concepts on financial and operating performance.
As we wrapped up the 2 day seminar, we discussed tools and strategies going forward. I also was reminded of what a great group we had, and that this fear of public speaking has common roots affecting professional and successful people. For me, this seminar gave me the strong first step forward. I cannot stress enough to anyone in a similar situation (i.e. you have a primal fear of public speaking) to take a life-changing first step and attend a seminar by Janet. It will work.
James C., Controller
GPS System for Getting to a Calm and Confident Destination when Speaking or Performing
1. PAUSE, take a deep breath, and observe your immediate, conditioned fear response as soon as you learn of a speaking or performing event. Pausing and taking a step back will help you begin to disengage from the fear and reduce your reactivity, allowing you to make a more conscious, deliberate choice in how you respond to this challenge.
2. DECIDE you will use this challenge as an invitation to practice using a newapproach and an opportunity to reinforce and strengthen the skills you are learning. Do not allow yourself to entertain any thoughts of avoiding (or fleeing) the situation.
3. SET AN INTENTION to approach this experience in a positive and powerful way and to reap the rewards of learning and growing as you step outside of your comfort zone.
4. BE A WILLING SPIRIT and let go of any resistance you have to speaking or performing. Be willing to do whatever is being asked of you with an open heart and generous spirit, willing to contribute in whatever way you can to benefit others. Take the focus off yourself and remember, It's not about you!
5. ACCEPT ANY ANXIOUS FEELINGS you are having, no matter how uncomfortable they may be. Ride the wave of your feelings, knowing they will not hurt you and they will ease naturally as you focus on thoughts that support and strengthen you rather than thoughts that create more anxiety and self-doubt.
6. BREATHE SLOWLY AND DEEPLY and focus on releasing and relaxing any tension that you are holding in your body. Slow down your pace of speaking and moving and try to stay grounded in the present moment as much as possible. Create a body posture that expresses a confident, natural ease and a "Can do" attitude.
7. DIRECT YOUR MIND away from any negative, fear-inducing thoughts and toward more positive, empowering thoughts and images. Notice anytime your mind shifts back to fear-based thinking and continue to self-correct and redirect your mind as many times as you need to. You will be retraining your mind in this process.
8. KEEP A GOOD ATTITUDE throughout this process and do not succumb to negativity, no matter how challenging your experience may be. Be willing to accept exactly where you are at in this moment (rather than get caught up with where you think you "should" be) and be willing to stand by yourself in the most supportive way possible (as you would with your own child or someone you love dearly).
9. GET PERSPECTIVE on yourself and your situation. Smile and feel yourself lighten up as you remind yourself you are not giving the State of the Union address nor are you competing in the Olympics. Bring your situation down to size, realizing that fear and anxiety distort the reality of the situation and make things seem much bigger than they really are.
10.PREPARE AND REHEARSE your material and practice expressing yourself with confidence and ease during the prep time. Be proactive with your prep work and practice just the right amount to help you feel at your best. (If you do not have advance notice to allow for preparation and practice, then use this as an opportunity to develop trust in yourself. Allow your mind to partner with you in figuring out the best way to respond to whatever is being asked of you. Refrain from undermining yourself with self-doubting thoughts or second-guessing yourself.)
11.THINK ABOUT OTHERS who will be in the room and humanize them in your mind. Think about their individual lives and realize that they are just like you in many ways. They also experience challenges of their own and have feelings of fear and vulnerability at times, just like you do (even if it doesn't appear that way on the surface). Feel a deep human connection with your audience and think about them as real people rather than projecting things onto them in a way that makes them seem intimidating or threatening.
12.VISUALIZE YOURSELF being in the flow, calm and confident, enjoying the experience of speaking or performing. See yourself being natural and authentic. Imagine yourself feeling good that others are benefiting from what you have to share and that you will be making a difference in their lives in some way.
13.TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF in the days leading up to the event. Do whatever you can to support your body, mind, and spirit so you can feel and be at your best when the day arrives.
14.WRITE DOWN A FEW REMINDERS on a small note card so you can use this to remember the most important things to focus on to support your body, mind, and spirit when the time comes to speak or perform. (Refer to my books, CD, and other material I have provided to help you come up with some of the specific things that are most helpful for you.)
15.ACTIVELY PRACTICE THE METHODS you have been learning whenever the fear and anxiety arise. Remind yourself that these feelings won't hurt you and you do not have to be afraid of them. Know it is okay to feel anxious and afraid at times and it doesn't have to stop you - you can still get the job done. Don't pay attention to symptoms of fear and anxiety that may arise - the symptoms will ease on their own when you shift your attention toward things that help to ground, support, and strengthen you.
16.DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF WITH OTHERS or try to prove yourself. This will only create more self-induced pressure and lead you to worry about not measuring up. Don't try so hard to do everything just right or to achieve some perfect ideal; instead, focus on relaxing and being as natural as possible. Move aside any ego concerns and remember your true purpose, which is to contribute your knowledge and talent to the group. Learn to care more about the people in your audience than you care about how you look or what others think of you.
17.PRACTICE RESILIANCE any time you get off course or something doesn't go exactly as you would have wanted. Be as flexible and adaptive as possible. Learn to go with the flow and let go of having to control things so tightly. Smile and don't take yourself or the situation so seriously. Keep your perspective and remember this is not a do-or-die situation.
18.ENJOY THE RIDE! Truly, you can have fun on this journey and it doesn't have to be so grueling. Make an intention to enjoy yourself and always look for opportunities to smile and find pleasure. Remember, it doesn't have to be as hard as it seems and you don't have to struggle (or suffer!).
19.ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS - large and small. Always look for the good and focus on the positive aspects of your speaking or performing experiences. Learn from anything that didn't go as you would have wanted, but don't dwell on these things; learn to let them go quickly and move on after you have learned whatever there is to be learned.
20.SAY YES TO FUTURE OPPORTUNITIES and don't shrink away from them. Learn to bear whatever discomfort might arise when you step up to future speaking or performing events and use all of these experiences to further practice and strengthen your skills and build trust in yourself.
Be Sure to Remember: You need to step into the driver's seat and not allow your fear to do the driving!
Copyright 2010, Janet Esposito, MSW, www.performanceanxiety.com.
All Rights Reserved, Copy only with written permission from author.
Action Steps:
1. Consider what you have been putting off and avoiding in your life - both the things that scare you and even things that you would love to do. Step up and take action on one or more of these things. Notice how empowered you feel when you take action on something you have been putting off or avoiding. Continue to build your confidence in yourself by taking further actions. I love the saying, "The universe rewards action." Notice the positive things that happen when you practice taking action rather than practice avoidance and procrastination.
2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage FrightWorkshopand/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.
3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.
4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.
Something else to consider:
Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with others. The address for this discussion board is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety.
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I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help!
Warm Wishes,
Janet
Janet Esposito, M.S.W.
In The Spotlight
PO Box 494
Bridgewater, CT06752
860-210-1499
jesposito@performanceanxiety.com
www.performanceanxiety.com
Copyright 2012, Janet E. Esposito, All Rights Reserved
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