"As you look closely at your hidden shadow feelings, they begin to lose their charge - and, hence, their power over you." Sally Kempton
Personal Note from Janet
It is now 14 years since I have been working with people who have a high level fear of public speaking and performing. It has been an amazing and very rewarding experience to help so many of you to find a better way to work on this challenge. There have now been over 700 participants in the workshops over the years and I have done coaching with well over 500 people.
I continue to be impressed by the caliber of the people who have this fear. The majority have been bright, highly accomplished, successful, and very friendly, likeable people. You would not guess they had this fear if you were at a meeting or event with them, as most do not show evidence of their high anxiety or panic feelings when they are speaking or performing.
Most people are very frustrated by this challenge as it is not something they can get a handle on. They are used to feeling more in control of themselves and their lives and this is out-of-character for them. They are also embarrassed by having this fear and are afraid that others will detect it in them and that they will lose credibility and respect.
Most people also keep this very private and do not share it with many others (though some people are more open about it). They often struggle internally and feel very alone. If they do share it with others, they often do not feel understood as so many people simply try to reassure the person that they know their material and will do fine. This clearly does not address the depth and breadth of this fear for so many who suffer from much higher levels of anxiety than the normal "butterflies" before speaking or performing.
So many people also suffer from a great deal of anticipatory anxiety for days, weeks, months (and even sometimes years!) before a speaking or performing event. Many have said the anticipation is just as bad, if not worse, than the actual event. They often get preoccupied with the upcoming event as it looms up ahead like a black cloud. The fear takes on a life of its own as the person magnifies the event in his/her mind and loses all perspective.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, please remember you are not alone as you go through this challenge. So many people just like you are going through a very similar experience. Try not to be frustrated with yourself or your fear. That just feeds the negative cycle and makes the whole thing worse.
It turns out that our usual approach to this fear actually feeds the fear and anxiety, so we have to learn a new set of skills to be more effective and successful in dealing with this challenge. Try to practice patience, acceptance, and compassion with yourself, as you would someone you love. Also have persistence in working on this challenge and learning the tools that will help you approach your fear with more wisdom and skill.
I would be happy to help guide and support you as you work on this challenge. Please visit my web site to learn of the many ways I can help you through my books, CD, newsletters, workshops and coaching. Sometimes we need a refresher, so if you have any lapses along the way, I encourage you to contact me for some guidance and support. Also, consider taking the workshop again if you have done so in the past, as many people have found this helpful to reinforce and practice what they have learned.
Also, please consider signing up for the Getting Over Stage Fright Mastery Group we will be launching soon. You can find out more about the in-person and online groups that are forming by visiting http://www.performanceanxiety.com/mastery_group.htm. I am very excited about this new group and hope you will be able to participate as it will greatly help you make solid progress in this New Year.
A few things to note...
The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop is being planned for June 2 -3, 2012, so please be sure to sign up as soon as possible as the time will be here before we know it. You can find more information about the workshop at
http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm
See www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.
I want to thank those of you who have given me such positive feedback about my books and CD. I am very thankful for your words of appreciation for my work and knowing it has brought such value to you in helping you with this challenge. If you are willing to write an Amazon review (or Barnes & Noble review) on either (or both) of my books and/or CD, I would greatly appreciate it. I hear over and over that seeing positive reviews on books and CDs is a big factor that influences whether someone will get the item being reviewed. My heartfelt thanks to those who are willing to do this to support my work! J
If you have not yet read my newest book, Getting Over Stage Fright, you can find out moreabout it and order it by visiting www.performanceanxiety.com/GOSF_book.htm. You can also visit www.amazon.com to read some reviews of my book and order it there. Also, if you order this book, be sure to request the special Checklist of Tips I created as a free bonus to those who purchase my Getting Over Stage Fright book. Many people have found this checklist to be very helpful in dealing with their speaking or performing challenges and I am sure you will, too.
A few other things of interest:
***I now have a Facebook page and I hope you will visit and "like" my page and become a fan so I can connect with you more there: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Janet-Esposito-In-the-Spotlight/212818652062429
***And here is my You Tube debut, if you have not seen it yet (not perfect, but good enoughJ). Please be sure to post a comment, too, as I would love to hear from you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YFVkFdyZrg
***I am excited to announce that I now have three translations of my In The SpotLight book in the following languages: Polish, Czechoslovakian, and Portuguese (as well as a UK edition). This is amazing synchronicity in that my family heritage is both Polish and Czechoslovakian so it feels even more special that some unknown forces in the universe are at work with publishers in these two countries seeking out my work (not having had any idea of my family background, especially given my married name is Italian)!
One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
 
Pure Inspiration
This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me, with your first name, last initial (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity), and job title and field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear!
Here is an inspirational story from a former workshop participant who has made great changes since taking the workshop. She sent this message to me many months ago and it has been waiting to appear in the Pure Inspiration column. Read on as I am sure her message will inspire you!
Dear Janet,
I wanted to send you a quick note about an experience I had recently. I have been working in the same job for 7 years. Since the summer of 2010, the negatives of the job were starting to outweigh the positives and I finally decided about 8 weeks ago to resign. It was a difficult decision extricating myself from this place that was not good for me but that felt "safe", but it was a decision that I was 100% sure was the right one for me.
I had considered leaving this position on and off throughout the last 2 or 3 years, but my fear of public speaking prevented me from doing so. I knew that if I left and sought work elsewhere in this industry, I would be more than likely expected to occasionally speak or present -- that was not something I was willing to consider, so I stayed put. After taking your workshop and then immediately beginning Toastmasters, I began to feel myself growing out of that mindset.
Now, only 8 months since your workshop, I feel like my fear of public speaking has been neutralized and does not have the power to restrict me as it once did. I am not 100% there, but I'm getting closer every day and the fact that I was able to leave this job is a testimony to that. I am taking the summer off, then will begin my job search without the fear of public speaking hanging over me like a dark cloud. It is truly a feeling of liberation.
Another success story for me was the "Goodbye Party" thrown for me as my final day on the job approached. I had developed some very good and close relationships with many residents at my job and I discovered that a few of them were organizing a surprise "Goodbye Party" for me. Prior to taking your workshop, there would be no way in hell that I would have attended that party. I would have found some kind of excuse to get out of it. Why? Because I would have been wringing my hands in anticipation of how I would feel walking into the room with all those eyes staring at me, and I would have been scared to death at the prospect of possibly being asked to "say a few words". The negative thoughts and fears would have consumed me and I would have made up an excuse not to go. Isn't that sad?
Well, that's how I operated for many, many years. But your workshop showed me just how much I was letting fear rule my life, not just in the arena of public speaking but in other areas as well. When I found out about the party, I had a momentary feeling of "Oh God, I can't do this", but I stopped myself and said Yes You Can. And I realized I wanted to do it -- I wanted to go the party. This was quite a moment for me ... in the past, my feelings of fear and worry always crowded out anything positive from entering my mind. The fear was like a bed of weeds that had taken over and prevented anything good and positive from growing.
But now that has changed! The weeds are dwindling and being replaced with healthy grass! Instead of allowing the fear to develop in anticipation of the party, I thought about all the people who were organizing it and how sad and ridiculous it would be for me to give any power to a false fear that means nothing. So, I went to the party - I felt a little nervous walking in, but I thought of it as excitement rather than nerves - and I had a wonderful time! When my boss gathered everyone around and spoke about me for a few minutes, I actually listened without feeling nervous. In the past I wouldn't have heard a word he said - I would have been freaking out about being the center of attention and worrying about whether or not people would expect me to say anything when he was done speaking.
Instead, I enjoyed the moment and HAPPILY and genuinely spoke afterwards to everyone in the room about how much I would miss them. I can't emphasize enough to you what a big step this was for me. So, thank you for helping me to open a door that I had allowed to stay closed for too long. I only wish I had discovered your workshop 10 years earlier!
Warm regards,
Marlene
Learning to Not Be Afraid of Your Fear
Most of us are very afraid of our fear and we see it as an opponent or adversary (as well as a monster out to get us). We feel we need to conquer it or it will conquer us. We get caught in a power and control struggle with our fear and we often end up feeling defeated, discouraged, and helpless when we can't control or eliminate it.
This approach to our fear actually makes it worse. It adds fuel to the fire when we are fighting against that part of ourselves that feels very afraid and alone. That part of us is like a frightened, helpless child. We have a hard time allowing ourselves to feel this way as it feels scary to feel so vulnerable and to risk having others see us this way.
I was recently reading an article on something called our "shadow", which is the part of ourselves that we intensely dislike and want to disown. We often hate this part of ourselves and want to deny that it exists so we don't have to face it. This part of ourselves lives in the shadow as we try to hide it from ourselves and from others.
When we relate to our fear this way (or any other qualities of ourselves that we perceive as very negative), it grows in power and strength. It goes underground in our consciousness as we try to disown it and eradicate it. It is as though it splits off from the rest of our personality and becomes an enemy who harasses and haunts us and tries to get the upper hand.
Trying to hide from our fear or wage battle with it does not work. It only makes things worse. What we have to do instead is face our "shadow" of fear and anxiety directly and not judge or reject it as hateful, shameful, or intolerable. We have to learn to bear the discomfort of our fear and anxiety and practice using tools to help lessen and ease these uncomfortable feelings so it all begins to feel much more manageable.
We need to learn to see the fear and anxiety for what it is: uncomfortable, conditioned body sensations and thought patterns that move through us, intensely at times. The more we become the neutral observer of these feelings, and remind ourselves to ride the wave when these feelings arise, the easier things will be for us. The more we can lovingly support and soothe ourselves when we are in the midst of the fear and anxiety, and create feelings of safety for ourselves the way we would for someone we dearly love who is going through something so difficult, the less the fear will take hold of us.
Rather than focus on trying to get rid of the fear and anxiety (which is something we cannot directly control), try to focus instead on learning and applying a range of tools to meet the challenge of this fear with more consciousness and skill. It will make a big difference in allowing you to no longer feel so helpless and powerless in the face of your fear. Instead, your new approach will give you confidence that you have ways to lessen and ease the fear and anxiety when they arise and that these feelings will not hurt you and you don't have to be afraid of them.
The next time when your fear arises, see if you can be a curious observer and notice,
without judgment, what is happening within you rather than react to it with frustration,
helplessness, shame, discouragement, or more fear. See if you can learn to accept,
rather than reject, this part of you and not abandon or turn against yourself when
you are feeling so vulnerable. Instead, see if you can unconditionally love and support
yourself when you feel afraid and truly be there for yourself as you would your own
child or someone you love deeply. Creating a feeling of safety and support within
yourself as you face this shadow part of yourself can make all the difference in no
longer feeling controlled or victimized by your fear.
Action Steps:
1. Remember you are not alone with this challenge and there are tools that you can learn to use to help lessen and ease the fear and anxiety. Be sure to do everything you can to learn and apply the new approach that I teach. I encourage you to do as many of the following things as possible to help yourself as fully as you can: read (and re-read) and do the exercises in both of my books, listen to my CD, come to a workshop, do some coaching with me and try the Mastery Group. In working with so many hundreds of people over the years, I can guarantee you that you will benefit from the many things I offer to those who have this fear.
2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage FrightWorkshopand/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.
3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.
4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.
Something else to consider:
Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with others. The address for this discussion board is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please pass this newsletter along to anyone who may benefit from it, but please be sure to keep it intact. If you do not wish to continue receiving this newsletter or any other announcements, simply respond to this email with the word "Unsubscribe" in the subject line and your name will immediately be taken off of our mailing list. If you have any difficulty reading this HTML formatted newsletter, please let us know. Email webmaster@performanceanxiety.com.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help!
Warm wishes,
Janet
Janet Esposito, M.S.W.
In The Spotlight
PO Box 494
Bridgewater, CT06752
860-210-1499
jesposito@performanceanxiety.com
www.performanceanxiety.com
Copyright 2012, Janet E. Esposito, All Rights Reserved
|
