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"It's not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters." Epictetus
Personal Note from Janet
I had an experience recently that led me to reflect on 'near misses' or 'close calls' and how we can get really shaken up by these situations. It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I was walking my dog April on a trail in a wooded area in my neighborhood. I let her off-leash in a certain spot to run free, as I always do, as she loves to run up and down the trail and go in and out of the periphery of the wooded area. She has always been trustworthy to stay close by and I have never had to worry about her taking off on me.
On this particular morning, everything changed in an instant. April was running as she usually does but, all of a sudden, she disappeared into the woods and did not return within a minute or two as she always had. I started to desperately call her name repeatedly, but she did not return. I started to feel really scared and felt a tremendous loss of control over what was happening. It felt surreal and scary thoughts started spinning through my head about where she might go, what if I can't find her, what if she gets hurt, etc.
I became aware of how I was scaring myself even more and stopped myself from focusing on these scary thoughts. I took a few deep breaths and started to focus on some comforting thoughts and said a prayer asking for April's safety and protection. I also prayed for my ability to have faith and trust that everything would turn out okay and she would return safely. I spoke with a supportive neighbor who passed by (which was very helpful to not feel so alone) and then started to head back to my house to see if I could find her on the way. As I headed up an incline on the trail, I felt a huge wave of relief as I saw my muddy April happily waiting for me at the top of the hill (about 15 minutes after this ordeal).
I noticed that while I felt great relief that everything turned out okay and April was safe and with me once again, the 'near miss' or 'close call' feeling lingered and was hard to shake off for awhile. It felt traumatic to encounter something potentially dangerous that I didn't see coming and that could have turned out very badly. I had to work consciously to let go of the earlier trauma I experienced, and the residual fear I was holding, and deliberately focus on the good outcome and the ability to trust and have faith that safety was restored.
Having this experience with April led me to reflect on how this feeling can happen with speaking or performing experiences and how we get shaken up (and at times traumatized) by our 'near misses' or 'close calls'. Read the article below for more about this...
A few other things of interest:
***I now have a Facebook page and I hope you will visit and "like" my page and become a fan so I can connect with you more there: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Janet-Esposito-In-the-Spotlight/212818652062429.
***And here is my You Tube debut, if you have not seen it yet (not perfect, but good enough). Please be sure to post a comment, too, as I would love to hear from you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YFVkFdyZrg
***I recently received copies of a Czechoslovakian translation of my In The SpotLight book. It is exciting to now have two translations of my book (the first translation is in Polish). This is amazing synchronicity in that my family heritage is both Polish and Czechoslovakian so it feels even more special that some unknown forces in the universe are at work with publishers in these two countries seeking out my work (not having had any idea of my family background, especially given my married name is Italian)!
One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
 
A few things to note...
I hope you will consider attending one of my upcoming Getting Over Stage Fright workshops. We will be planning another one for later this year and will send an announcement as soon as we have a date firmed up. You can find out more information about the workshop by visiting www.performanceanxiety.com/workshop.htm. People have found the workshop to be extremely valuable and a very healing and enriching experience. It allows you to learn, practice and reinforce a range of tools to deal with this fear, as well as come together with a group of people who share this challenge and deeply understand what you are going through. I hope you will join us for the next workshop!
See www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.
I want to thank those of you who have given me such positive feedback about my books and CD. I am very thankful for your words of appreciation for my work and knowing it has brought such value to you in helping you with this challenge. If you are willing to write an Amazon review (or Barnes & Noble review) on either (or both) of my books and/or CD, I would greatly appreciate it. I hear over and over that seeing positive reviews on books and CDs is a big factor that influences whether someone will get the item being reviewed. My heartfelt thanks to those who are willing to do this to support my work!
If you have not yet read my new book, Getting Over Stage Fright, you can find out more about it and order it by visiting www.performanceanxiety.com/GOSF_book.htm. You can also visit www.amazon.com to read some reviews of my new book and order it there. Also, if you order my new book, be sure to request the special Checklist of Tips I created as a free bonus to those who purchase my Getting Over Stage Fright book. Many people have found this checklist to be very helpful in dealing with their speaking or performing challenges and I am sure you will, too. Pure Inspiration This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me, with your first name, last initial (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity), and job title and field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear! Here is what a recent workshop participant wrote to her group members several months after attending the workshop: Hi everyone, I wanted to share an update driven by inspiration from several of you. I had the sudden "opportunity" arise a few weeks ago to give two smaller but formal power point presentations within the same week. I tried to catch myself the moment I found out about each of them, and instead of letting the blood drain from my head I took a breath and told myself that I will share information that is helpful to these people. As the usual mental battle organized in my head as the time got closer, I thought of Ron's newsletter update about freeing yourself from the chains. I also thought about our last update call and Mark's resource (http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html on ted.com, it's a must watch!) about being authentic. A light bulb went off and I realized I have been fighting the WRONG battle for the last 20 years, one that only exists in my head. My battle has always been, "oh no I will be nervous, they will see it, will I choke, can I control my fear?" I am so ready to be free of that fight. The REAL battle is " I am who I am, and if I can love myself and know I am enough no matter what kind of presentation I give, that's the only thing that matters." If anyone remembers Keanu Reeves in the Matrix, he saw a boy bend a spoon with his mind in a computer generated world and he too wanted to bend the spoon. I now tell myself the famous movie line when the boy, trying to help Keanu understand his destiny, tells him to remember that "there is no spoon." The spoon and my battle over fearing being nervous are not real. It also helped that I finally viewed my class video and realized that even for the impromptu speaking I am fine as I am. (Ok but it did inspire me to lose a few pounds! J) I think I had a deep belief that unless I was perfect when speaking it wasn't good enough. Being authentic, even with imperfections, is so much more interesting to watch even in myself. For my two recent work presentations with my new goal of learning that I am enough as I am, the usual anticipation anxiety was so much less and I could combat any bad thoughts with positive thoughts. I took a lower dose of beta blockers because I felt I deserve some support while I engrain this new way of thinking. The presentations were just fine, and I can see even more clearly now how often I undermine my thinking at even the slightest indication that I might have to present, or even in everyday life. It will continue to be a process for me as there are so many tools to practice using in so many aspects, but I never imagined that I could begin to adopt a new way of thinking.
Sherry
Learning to Deal with Near Misses and Close Calls Most of us, if not all of us, know what it feels like to have a 'near miss' or 'close call' when we are speaking or performing. It feels really scary and we tend to remember this feeling very well and never want to experience this feeling again (which leads many people to avoid speaking or performing situations so as not to risk facing this frightening feeling again). The feeling is like being on a slippery slope of fear as we experience ourselves spinning out of control and heading towards a calamity (which often translates into others seeing how frightened we are and losing credibility and respect in their eyes). Even when we are able to get through the experience with no evidence of a calamity actually happening, it feels very scary to know how close we came to 'losing it' and having others see us not in control. This experience can feel traumatic as it is very frightening to feel an intense loss of control, especially for those of us who have a strong need to feel in control of ourselves and our circumstances. Rather than avoid speaking or performing situations so we will never have to face this scary feeling again, we need to learn how to deal with this feeling if and when it arises. We have to learn to accept whatever fear and discomfort we are feeling in the moment and learn to not be afraid of what is happening within us. Rather than fuel our fear with scary thoughts, we need to learn to speak to ourselves in ways that soothe, comfort, and ground ourselves. We need to surrender our need to be tightly in control of what is happening within us and, instead, take a leap of faith and trust that everything is going to turn out okay, even if we are on a scary and unpredictable ride at the moment. We have to try to surf the wave in that moment and let whatever is happening be okay rather than try to frantically regain control. And, afterwards, we need to release as quickly as possible our frightening and distressing thoughts and feelings about what just happened. Instead, we need to acknowledge the truth that we did feel fearful and felt a loss of control within us, yet things turned out okay and we are safe. We have to remind ourselves that there were no true calamities, even if things felt scary. We need to reinforce our faith and belief in ourselves that we can deal with feelings of fear and loss of control and trust that we will find safety and be able to stabilize ourselves again. When we feel shaken up by a scary and unpleasant situation with speaking or performing (or any life event) it is very important that we calm and support ourselves with a comforting and affirming voice (as you would for a frightened child) so that the perceived negative event does not hold a strong memory of fear and loss of control going forward. Instead, we want to reinforce a memory that connects to the reality that we are safe and things turned out okay, despite the scary and uncomfortable feelings that we experienced. We also want to regain perspective by highlighting any of the more positive parts of the experience and recognize that the situation was not as bad as we perceived it to be (or that it could have been). Action Steps: 1. Reflect upon any 'near misses' or 'close calls' you had with speaking or performing situations in the past and see if you can reframe them in your mind, minimizing the scary and unpleasant associations and reinforcing the feelings of trust and safety that you came through the experience and landed on your feet. Try to do this with any future situations if you ever encounter this type of experience again so you can quickly shake off any negative associations to the event. 2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop. 3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work. 4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive. Something else to consider: Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with others. The address for this discussion board is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please pass this newsletter along to anyone who may benefit from it, but please be sure to keep it intact. If you do not wish to continue receiving this newsletter or any other announcements, simply respond to this email with the word "Unsubscribe" in the subject line and your name will immediately be taken off of our mailing list. If you have any difficulty reading this HTML formatted newsletter, please let us know. Email webmaster@performanceanxiety.com. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help! Warmest wishes, Janet Janet Esposito, M.S.W. In The Spotlight PO Box 494 Bridgewater, CT06752 860-210-1499 jesposito@performanceanxiety.com www.performanceanxiety.com Copyright 2011, Janet E. Esposito, All Rights Reserved | 
