"See if you can accept the one thing about yourself that you find impossible to accept." ~ Natasha Raymond
Personal Note from Janet
In contemplating what topic to write about in this month's newsletter, what called to me was the subject of vulnerability. I don't know about you, but I have always hated feeling vulnerable. I have spent most of my life trying to be in control so I could try to avoid feeling this incredibly uncomfortable (and scary) feeling. I never wanted to feel so raw and unprotected and, heaven forbid, have others see me in a vulnerable state (which I associated with weakness).
In the personal development group I am involved in this year, we are regularly running up against our vulnerabilities as we dig deeply in getting to know (and express) all sides of ourselves, including the less desirable parts of ourselves. One exercise we did (in a small group) was to share the many things we didn't want others to know about us. While this was initially very uncomfortable to do, it soon felt very freeing for each of us to share things about ourselves that we have kept hidden from view due to feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt.
What was interesting to see is that as we exposed our hidden, vulnerable sides to each other, there was a deepening connection and heartfelt compassion for each other. The deeper connection and caring were coming out of revealing our shared human vulnerabilities and frailties and expressing ourselves in an honest, authentic way rather than trying to hide behind the mask of looking good and being in control.
There is something very attractive, in fact, about people who are being "real" and authentic and not trying to prove how strong, successful and "in control" they are in front of others. While I am not suggesting you go out and bare your soul to others while you are speaking or performing, I am inviting you to take a new look at vulnerability. Rather than fearing it and trying to run from it at all costs, you may consider the possibility that it can be a rich and deep source of attraction and connection with others and can open up the doorway to unconditional self-acceptance as you embrace all sides of yourself.
A few other things of interest:
***I have a new Facebook page and I hope you will visit and "like" my page and become a fan so I can connect with you more there: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Janet-Esposito-In-the-Spotlight/212818652062429
***And here is my You Tube debut, if you have not seen it yet (not perfect, but good enoughJ). Please be sure to post a comment, too, as I would love to hear from you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YFVkFdyZrg
***I recently received copies of a Czechoslovakian translation of my In The SpotLight book. It is exciting to now have two translations of my book (the first translation is in Polish). This is amazing synchronicity in that my family heritage is both Polish and Czechoslovakian so it feels even more special that some unknown forces in the universe are at work with publishers in these two countries seeking out my work (not having had any idea of my family background, especially given my married name is Italian)!
One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
A few things to note...
I hope you will consider attending my next Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop on July 30-31st - see www.performanceanxiety.com/july_workshop.htm for more details and be sure to sign up to reserve your spot as soon as possible as we are now creating a class list.
See www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.
I want to thank those of you who have given me such positive feedback about my books and CD. I am very thankful for your words of appreciation for my work and knowing it has brought such value to you in helping you with this challenge. If you are willing to write an Amazon review (or Barnes & Noble review) on either (or both) of my books and/or CD, I would greatly appreciate it. I hear over and over that seeing positive reviews on books and CDs is a big factor that influences whether someone will get the item being reviewed. My heartfelt thanks to those who are willing to do this to support my work! J
If you have not yet read my new book, Getting Over Stage Fright, you can find out moreabout it and order it by visiting www.performanceanxiety.com/GOSF_book.htm. You can also visit www.amazon.com to read some reviews of my new book and order it there. Also, if you order my new book, be sure to request the special Checklist of Tips I created as a free bonus to those who purchase my Getting Over Stage Fright book. Many people have found this checklist to be very helpful in dealing with their speaking or performing challenges and I am sure you will, too.
Pure Inspiration
This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me, with your first name, last initial (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity), and job title and field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear!
Here is what a recent workshop participant wrote after attending the workshop several months ago:
As for an update, I have had a few presentations for my master's classes. School presentations always scared me to death during my undergraduate studies. But I have had two presentations in one class with 25 students or so, and one longer presentation with a group of five. All have gone very well for me. I feel I can still improve on a lot from each presentation, but I try to note what could have gone better and celebrate what I did well. In one of the presentations, I slipped up trying to explain a chart. In the past it would thrown off my entire presentation, but I didn't dwell on it, moved on, and the rest of the presentation went smoothly. I have come so far since your workshop which I am so happy about.
I have debated seeing my doctor for a consultation about Beta Blockers for times when I expect to present at work in front of a larger audience. Sometimes my heart rate speeds up and it would be nice to be able to control that better. But overall, I am sometimes in awe at the progress I have made and how the hard work is contributing to my overall confidence. Over the last few months, I have felt for the first time in my life this could be a small or non-issue for my career with more hard work. I realize that speaking in public is something that I need to continually practice often if I want to minimize the anxiety effects. The more I do it the less it bothers me. I am actually OK knowing it will continue to take hard work.
Thanks for all of your help Janet.
Best Regards,
Sean,
(Occupation: Engineer)
A New View on Vulnerability
It is no wonder that most of us fear the feeling of vulnerability. Take a look at some of the descriptions of this feeling that I came upon when doing a quick google search. When we think of how we feel when speaking or performing, we can relate to most (or all) of these feelings:
- Caught in a precarious or dangerous situation with no way out
- Exposed or unprotected, defenseless
- Caught unprepared, unready, by surprise, not "on one's toes"
- Taken completely off guard or entirely by surprise; found in a compromising or embarrassing position
- An area in which one's defenses are inadequate or ineffective; a personality flaw
- A legitimate object of attack or ridicule; an easy target of derision
- One who is in bad straits; a person who is on the brink of disaster
- Having properties of glass-its transparency and its brittleness.
- On the verge of ruin or collapse; at the mercy of whatever forces threaten to overcome one
- A time when persons or ideas in disfavor are subject to attack from all sides
- In an embarrassing or uncomfortable position or situation; with one's back against the wall
- To be utterly helpless or defenseless
- An easy mark or target, a ripe victim
- To expose oneself to danger or criticism; to take a chance, to risk failure; to invite trouble
Whew...no wonder we will often go to great lengths to avoid feeling such scary and unpleasant feelings. And it is no surprise that we feel our very survival is at stake, with our fight or flight reaction quickly getting triggered when we are up against a situation that evokes deep feelings of vulnerability.
We need to revise and expand our view of vulnerability so our primitive survival instincts do not get triggered and we can see the possibility that vulnerability can lead to an opening for a deeper and richer experience of ourselves and others.
According to Brene Brown, who researched the topic of vulnerability (see the link for her Ted.com lecture below), she found that vulnerability is at the core of feelings of fear and shame, though it also has the potential to create feelings of love, belonging and connection. She found that some people were able to fully embrace vulnerability and saw it as necessary to taking risks and doing things where there was uncertainty. While these people did not find vulnerable feelings comfortable, they were able to accept these feelings and not find them "excruciating", as some people did.
These people were described as having the courage to be imperfect and were able to let themselves be deeply seen by others, even in a state of vulnerability. They believed they were enough, even with their imperfections. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they truly are, which allowed for a deeper connection with themselves and others. This also allowed for more compassion and kindness towards themselves and others. They created a deeper connection with others as a result of their authenticity, which was possible through allowing themselves to feel vulnerable and be seen as imperfect.
Imagine how freeing it would be to embrace and experience vulnerability in this more expanded view and to access its rich potential the next time you step up to speak or perform.
I strongly urge you to view this Ted.com lecture on the topic of vulnerability: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html. A client of mine shared this with me and I found it very interesting and insightful.
Action Steps:
1. Reflect upon the feeling of vulnerability and notice how you have responded to this feeling when facing a speaking or performing situation, as well as in other areas of life. Consider how it would feel to embrace vulnerability and allow it to guide you towards a greater self-acceptance and a deeper connection with others. See if you can try to practice this new view of vulnerability the next time you step up to speak or perform and feel the difference it makes when you come from this higher and more expanded view.
2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at janetesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.
3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.
4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.
Something else to consider:
Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with others. The address for this discussion board is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety.
