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"Most psychologists agree that parents who set tough but realistic challenges, applaud successes and go easy on failures produce kids with the greatest self-confidence."  Jeffrey Kluger, Time Magazine

A Formula for Confidence-Building

As I complete another workshop, with yet another wonderful group of people, I am struck once again by how hard so many of us are on ourselves.  We are often impatient with ourselves and become quickly frustrated and disappointed when we are not living up to our self-imposed high standards and personal ideals - "the shoulds" - or when we feel we are falling short when comparing ourselves to others we admire or envy.  This is a set-up for a downward spiral in self-confidence and an increase in self-doubt when it comes to speaking or performing, or anything else for that matter. 

One practice I have found helpful when I am not living up to my own standards - in any aspect of life, not just speaking or performing - is to gently and compassionately say to myself, "I forgive you" and soften my heart towards myself. (When alone, I sometimes also put my hands to my heart to make an even stronger heart connection.) I find this amazingly simple act very powerful. I am able to grant forgiveness toward myself for my human foibles and wipe the slate clean as I take the next step forward, without dragging along my disappointments or frustrations. 

In addition to self-forgiveness, it is also helpful to lower the bar a bit and let go of perfectionist tendencies, creating more realistic and attainable standards for ourselves (which allows for shortcomings, imperfect behavior, and mistakes from time to time - not easy for a perfectionist). 

It is also helpful to consciously stop diminishing ourselves with comparisons to idealized others, as this is another sure-fire way to undermine self-confidence and self-respect. Remind yourself that everyone has their "stuff" - their vulnerabilities, insecurities, and shortcomings, even if you cannot see them or they don't happen to be in the area of speaking and performing.

Another thing I notice a great deal with participants in my workshops is a tendency to downplay successes - to gloss over one's successes and find them difficult to acknowledge or allow public recognition for them. It seems that many of us are not so comfortable with fully owning our talents and successes and letting them be seen and acknowledged in a public way. This becomes a double-bind if we want to ultimately become comfortable in our own skin and be able to own our full strength and power as we stand in front of others, speaking or performing.