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Greetings!
There are two great articles this week! First, Kasey Ewing finishes up her series, "God Enough"! Thank you Kasey for your transparency and your giftedness! You have inspired and challenged each of us and I love you girl!!!!! The second article is from a heart sister in Canada - I met her at an impromptu speaking engagement and she asked me to come to Canada to speak. That was 5 years ago and she is a great help to Contagious Joy and myself! You will not want to miss this article as she is coming clean to being " Directionally Challenged!" It's a must read!  Keep posting! There are more great prizes in the coming weeks! I'm living the next 5 minutes!!!!!!! What about you? Praying for each of you! Diane Nix
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God Enough Through the Wall
Reflecting back, after Jake died, a dangerous shift occurred in me. I think that only those that know me really well ever saw the change, for I pretended well. I
said the right things, looked sad when needed, paid attention to kids when necessary but didn't get emotionally involved with them. No way. I was
surrounded by many people I loved and wouldn't quit loving but as much as I could control, I wouldn't allow new possible hurts. I began to see people as possible new hurts so I shut myself off mentally.  I hurt and I didn't ever want to feel that kind of pain again. Why openly expose yourself? Just take a step back from life. Somewhere deep down, I really thought that if I just stopped feeling, I might stop hurting. I know there were times when unwanted emotion seeped in, especially with my kids or family. But as much as I could control I had constructed a wall, or maybe even a fortress surrounding my heart.
 I was never the one who threw fits with God. I cried, but rarely had public outbursts. I hurt, but rarely admitted it. I felt I had to be strong, had to prove I was
doing okay. I felt the weight of my response to my son's death as a personal responsibility to the rest of the world. I quietly assumed that I had to be strong and stoic in fear that the those around me might not think God is good. I carried a burden I was not to bear along with my grief. I felt like my reaction in itself said something about God. I was so scared that if I hurt too much or too openly, I would give Him a bad name. I was determined that Jake's death would not affect how others saw God. Part of that determination is a good thing. There is a verse in Acts that I love - Paul states that no matter what happens to him, nothing will move him. I wanted to be like that. Strong. Unwavering. Immovable.
Yet, part of me was scared I was a hypocrite. (I mean, some days, using bronzer makes me nervous - being real is serious business to me) I remember going to a
funeral for the son of a dear friend. She grieved. Openly. Loudly. I called my Mom, scared that I hadn't really grieved the right way (whatever that means??). I questioned myself. Had He really healed me or I had just shut off the feelings? I am sure the answer to these questions is yes to both. He had healed me and I had shut down.
God didn't allow the wall to totally shield me. I distinctly remember the terror I felt when I found out I was pregnant with Jackson. Less than 2 years after Jake's death, I was going to have another little boy. I was scared to love him, yet couldn't help myself.  Jackson is the kind of boy who demands that you love him with everything you have. He wants your full attention and affection. He accepts nothing less. Jackson was just what I needed to force me to feel again. The choice wasn't up to me, Jackson demanded and received my full heart. He was just too wonderful to withhold my affection. Jackson is the kid who when I kneeled to eye level with him to give him "a talkin' to" he calmly combed my hair with his fingers and looked at me directly in the eyes - As if he was the one calming me. He is that kind of kid.
Yet, God faithfully widens the holes in my wall, slowly letting the light in. Our family has moved into a low income neighborhood in hopes of shinning His light
on a dark place. Each day I open my home to kid after kid that needs love and affection. I am beginning to see that as I've opened myself to others,  helped to heal my heart. I pour His love into each child, He pours His love into me. Each kid that hugged on me, told me I smelled good, asked to come home with me, begged for my complete attention on him, showed me a glimpse of His light into my dark heart.
I realized that on the metal table where Jake's lifeless body laid, I laid down with him. I killed my emotions that day. Now, the Power that raised Jesus from the
grave is slowing resurrecting me. Daily interaction with child after child that needs my love and attention has shown me that shielding oneself is not the
answer. Exposure is.
That's what courage is, choosing to love when you know it might hurt a little....Or a lot. Isn't that what Christ did for us? He chose to love us when He knew
how much it would hurt.
Kasey Ewing
www.kaseyewing.com
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Meet us in the Forums and the Devotionals and let's talk the walls and how God has broken them down!
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 Know where I'm going and I know Who is with me.
It was the mid 1940's when my parents purchased a  partially completed 2 story house situated on 5 acres of land. They were able to live there while my father being the carpenter (not by trade- just skill) finished the construction. After that came a 2-car garage, a barn and a couple of other out buildings.
That house and property became home to 4 children. All 4 of us took advantage of the room to wander the field, orchard, and barn and visit neighbors with no fear. We made our roots there and gained our sense of direction from the landmarks. Just about � a mile north you could make out our elementary school, you looked to the west and you would see Peterson's Butte,
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to the east you would see the Cascade Mountain range. And if you walked south and around the bend you would come to Oak Creek, one of my favorite places to spend a summer afternoon splashing in the water. Of course I didn't mind the half mile walk to Crowfoot Grocery for a cold glass bottle of Nehi or an ice cream  sandwich. The country roads were very safe and somehow calming. My best friend Diana and I knew that if we followed them they would always loop past folks we knew and eventually back to our home. The only thing we feared was the occasional dog that we kept our distance from. When you wanted to tell someone where to go you would use directions like "just past Mrs. Summers house you take a left and go up the hill a ways". That was my home that was where I felt grounded. I had my bearings there. Even though I am very content where God has placed me; far away from the view of Peterson's Butte and Mt. Hood I still have a sense of home when I think of that place. I knew how to get where I needed to go back then. But if you took me away from my landmarks that was another story entirely. If I couldn't see Peterson's Butte, the Coast Range,  Three Sisters, Mt. Hood or Mt. Jefferson off in the distance I was in real pickle. My husband often teases my about my "directionally challenged" condition. It's true and I am very thankful for the GPS my daughters recently purchased for me. I am sure it was because they thought I may someday get hopelessly lost.......could happen. I tend to become directionally challenged in my spiritual life as well. I wandered for many years without any landmarks. I eventually learned that God had given me safe roads, important things to keep my eye on and wonderful directions. If I wander away from those things even momentarily I find myself in a "real pickle" very quickly. I don't think I'm alone in this. I believe God wired us all to rely on His landmarks. It's not a bad thing to need Him. As with country roads of my childhood God's road is very safe and calming. If we follow it always loop past folks we know and eventually to our home. Of course there will be the occasional "dog" or should I say occasional danger that we should keep our distance from. God is faithful to warn us about those things just like my mother warned me. Heed the warnings and He will keep you on the safe road. My sense of direction regarding  North, South, East and West may not be good. But I know where I've been and where I belong. I know where I'm going and I know Who is with me. That's enough for me. God is enough for me. No need to fear here. Just a side note, one of my brothers bought our family home from my mother. He has made some changes and made it his home. It is a very good thing to know that the house and property are in good hands and still in the family. There has been some new construction on the road but each neighbor still has five acre plots. As I drive that road I smile, remember and can almost hear Mom calling me for supper.
See you in the forums and devotionals.
Directionally Challenged but sure of where I'm going, Donna
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