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Summer 2010
| Vol 2, Issue 4
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Hello again,
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It's been longer than usual since my last edition of Compass was sent. That's because things have been very busy for me as I have been making plans to expand my practice. (Compass will now come quarterly instead of every two months.) NEW OFFICE LOCATION: Ther  e is news in this area on two fronts. First is that I have opened a new office in Bethesda. You can see a map of this location here. It's in a wonderful place at the center town, two blocks from the Metro, near the Bethesda library. The office is actually in a house on a quiet, dead-end street amid the hustle of downtown just steps away. I now have office hours in Bethesda on Wednesdays. NEW COUNSELING ASSOCIATE: The other news is that there will be another experienced psychotherapist joining me as an associate. This person will see both couples and individuals and will have evening hours at my Dupont Circle office. I hope to have this person ready to receive clients in September, and will surely make your introduction in the next edition. There is a waiting list for the evening appointments, in case you want to make sure you have time to speak with the new counselor to see if it is a good fit. Enjoy the dog days of Summer! Sincerely, Keith |
Today's Lesson on Intimacy Brought to You By...NCAA Men's Basketball"
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On April 3, 2010, West Virginia faced
Duke in the NCAA basketball finals. In one dramatic moment, West Virginia's Da'Sean
Butler fell hard to the ground, badly injured. What happened in the next moments is
what drew my interest as a relationship therapist. 
Watch the video (link below) and notice how
Butler (injured) responds to the medical personnel. His agitation seemed to increase as he was checked over by the doctor. It's hard to watch him in so
much agony. Then notice the amazing difference that coach Bob Huggins makes by
moving in closer, much closer, to Butler. Coach Huggins doesn't accomplish
anything medically significant, yet his player responds like he was given very good medicine.
Watch the video here
Lesson for your relationship? If you
don't think you have the same impact, get the same attention you used to, or have a good connection to your partner or children, do an experiment: Do a coach Huggins move, and move closer; trust that your presence itself, without your having to make anything happen, is all that is needed. It's just a first step, but often the most important one that lowers anxiety enough to make the correct secondary actions.
The two people that responded to the injured Butler had completely different agendas. One was there to fix and the other seemed to act with the belief that his presence alone is what the other needs the most. Try the following to lower your partner's anxiety and make more of an impact in your relationship:
- Do less multi-tasking, less problem-solving,
and less strategy-planning around your partner.
- See how differently your
partner or kids respond to you when you remove clutter from the space in and around
your relationship, starting with your communication. Say less, but mean it more.
- If you're the quieter partner, try moving aside your silence and make more contact.
(More you, less space!)
- You might need more physical closeness, more
eye-contact, and more of what sex therapists call "non-demand touch."
There's a hidden bonus here too for some of you (probably men). Next time you hear complaints about watching too much college basketball in March, use this newsletter (and, of course, what you learned from it) to get out of jail. Void where prohibited.
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DO I REALLY WANT TO TRY THIS AT
HOME? More intimacy is not always the right prescription to improve your relationship.
Like a spark plug that requires a slight gap to conduct electricity, sometimes
we get disconnected by being too close. If you know this is true for you or
your partner, don't try to push the gap closed to reduce anxiety in the relationship. Instead of more closeness being
your goal, make it about the right kind
of closeness.
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Happy 72nd Anniversary, Dear
| "So, did you hear that N.P.R. story the other day?" Such is the way it seems that conversations often start among friends in our fair city.
But really, did you hear the story about the O.G.'s? There's even a song: "Oh, wow. Oh gee. It's the "O.G.'s!"
The O.G.'s, short for the "original grandparents" are a couple that have been married for 72 years, and were featured in a National Public Radio story you can hear or read here.
 Harry and Barbara Cooper are both in their 90s. On their website, The OGs, they offer charming advice, wisdom and uncensored wit about relationships and love. Their rise to social media fame is driven, not surprisingly, by their granddaughters who are their caretakers. "We would just be laughing and going, 'Can you believe what just
happened?' And then we would just get back to our lives and be like,
'What was that cute thing she said?' So that was part of the impetus to
lock these moments in amber and keep them and share them - and not lose
them," says one granddaughter, Kim. |
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Health & Wellness Immersion at Utah Spa |
 One of my trusted counseling colleagues, Suzanne Nixon, is leading her annual retreat to the West. Her program, called Inspirational Journeys, is "a wellness-hiking program designed as a full immersion adventure seminar, held at a top rated resort spa in a gorgeous natural setting."
The program for men and women runs October 20th-24th, 2010. The program for women runs October 13th-17th, 2010. More information at www.inspirationaljourneys.org. |
Next "Managing Moods Without Medication" Seminar: September 11, 2010
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I am offering this two-hour seminar again after having a great turnout recently.
When: September 11, 2010
Where: Chevy Chase, MD
Fee: $25 Register Now! SUMMARY: Depression ("the blues"), bipolar symptoms
(mood swings), or anxiety do not have to control your life. You can
learn to orchestrate your emotions and change entrenched behaviors by
increasing your emotional intelligence. In this two-hour seminar,
you'll be introduced to an experiential model of mindfulness, used in
psychotherapy, that is cutting-edge in the area of neurological
integration between thinking and feeling.
The seminar will consist of discussion and
teaching about why successful emotional regulation depends on a
balanced mix of using both our cognitive mind (thoughts) and emotional
mind (feelings) without either side taking over. A systematic method
exists that can be learned through study and active facilitation
(experience) that allows you to dramatically increase self-awareness
and change entrenched behaviors. Live demonstrations of the process
will be part of the seminar.
IN THE SEMINAR:
- Why you don't have to avoid negative or "bad" feelings
- You are more than your feelings, even if feelings seem overwhelming and powerful
- How you can learn the positive intent and function behind your feelings and trust feelings to make smarter decisions
- The parts of your personality you most want to change can reveal
your most positive attributes when approached safely and systematically
- Why feelings often become more intense and unpredictable when
approached strictly with "mood regulation" techniques or philosophy
- Taking medication to manage your moods may be necessary and very
helpful for some people. It is also possible to discover or heal your
natural capacity to consciously connect to your limbic system, using a
mindfulness approach, and internally alter your brain chemistry over
time.
Read the full article Do You Have Enough Emotional Intelligence?
Register Now!
Watch Keith discuss emotional Intelligence on ABC Channel 8
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