"Oh, yeah," I moaned as a blonde woman I'd never met before groped my body and licked my face. I was so full of shit. By now I was a proficient liar.
I was also liquored up and scared stiff. I'll never forget the day I performed in my first amateur porn scene. Dressed in a white leather mini-skirt with bleached blonde hair, I pushed open two red doors and entered into a pitch black room filled with smoke. Overwhelmed by a feeling that I was walking into something more than just a little sex in front of a camera, I stopped dead in my tracks.
Oh, God, I thought. What the hell am I getting myself into?
I could barely see a man in the back waving me to come over to him. My eyes were fixed on the well-lighted corner where I saw a camera with a wide angle lens staring at a sexy purple couch and a box of Baby Wipes.
Gulp.
I couldn't shake the "dark" feeling all around me. Everything felt wrong. I tried to turn back but something powerful drew me in. A man's loud voice interrupted my thoughts. "Hey, are you the Blonde sent over by Samantha?"
I walked over to the creepy man holding a cigarette and answered carefully, "Yeah, I'm her."
His eyes licked me up and down as I handed him my AIDS test. "You'll do just fine," he said. He shifted his weight forward and asked, "What's your porn name, honey?"
Uh . . . that's a good question. Well, I partied last night at the Roxy in Hollywood, I thought. So yeah, I'll call myself Roxy. He nodded when I told him my new name and I wondered where I could find a bathroom to down some Jack.
A naked woman, blonde and sexy, walked into the room. Her purple pumps clicked as she came toward me. "I can't wait," she said, eyes on my flesh. "Our scene is next. You're with me."
Jack, I thought. I need Jack now.
I hurried my way to the back where I saw G-strings and sex toys thrown on the floor in a worn out room where naked girls were changing. The bathroom was in the back, but I didn't want people to think I was a baby for changing alone. So I walked to a corner in the room, looked around to make sure no one was watching, and took a huge gulp of Jack Daniels. The smell of sex and alcohol filled my nose.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," I said to myself, chasing my words with another gulp of Jack Daniels.
But prostitution and stripping almost killed me, I reasoned. Anyway, porn was legal.
I downed some more Jack and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
"Okay, everyone," shouted a guy from the other room. "Time to shoot."
Oh shit, I thought. I fastened my red bra, took another swig, then hurried out of the room to the couch where two porn stars were sitting. I was scared to death.
"You can do this, Shelley," I lied to myself as I straightened my skirt and my fake smile led me over to the couch. Thoughts raced through my mind. How the hell should I greet someone I was about to have sex with?
"Hey, I'm Roxy and I'll be having sex with you."
"Hi, nice to meet you. I guess we're having sex today."
Okay, that's weird.
I practiced the words in my mind but it was too late and I was standing next to the camera before I knew it. Purple-pump-girl and some airhead blonde giggled as the director told us the scene was about a professor who was going to teach naughty college girls how to get an "A".
How stupid, I thought.
The director proudly finished explaining his Academy Award winning scene with a loud clap and, "Let's do it."
Okay, Spielberg.
Lights, camera, action. We were off. And apparently the crew wanted to get off, too. Most of them had their hands down their pants as the scene started. I noticed out of the corner of my eye as the blonde girl started baby talking to the professor about how she needed a good lesson.
This is ridiculous, I thought.
The terrible acting blonde girl went on and on about her bad grades and then pointed to me saying she had a friend who needed a lesson too. Wrong. I would be the one to teach them a lesson. Filled with Jack Daniels and a renewed zeal, I grabbed the girl by the neck and showed them my version of the scene. The director loved it.
"Wow, Roxy, you're so hot. Keep going, baby." The fleshy director fed my starved ego. "Mmmm. ... you could be the next biggest porn star with talent like that."
Random thoughts bounced around in my mind. I loved it. I hated it. I loved the attention. I loved the camera. I hated that I had to have some stupid girl's tongue in my mouth. Yuck.
At that moment a very dark presence came over me.
"I'll make you famous and everyone will love you," the familiar voice hissed. The presence was so thick it made me look around to see if anyone was there. Suddenly a powerful urge to be the best and destroy everyone in my path overwhelmed me.
Rage rose up. Years and years of rage against my father and all the men who ever hurt me washed over me. I ravaged my blonde victim like a wild animal out for innocent blood.
She was no match for my wrath as I shoved her off of the couch. Her mascara smeared eyes looked up at me in fear while she lay there holding the red marks on her arms.
Suddenly the director interrupted, "Okay, I need the money shot. Face to the camera, Roxy. Show me your killer eyes."
"The professor" pulled out of the other blonde and ejaculated all over my face while I pretended to love every minute of it. The taste of bitter fluid and degradation filled my mouth. Suddenly shame and guilt swept over me just like when I was a little girl. Fighting the urge to cry, I turned my head to sniff up my tears.
"Beautiful, Roxy. What a shot," the director said as he clapped. Then some guy threw the Baby Wipes at me. I wanted to die.
I wiped the "professor's" goo off of my face cursing his name under my breath. I didn't want anyone to see my pain. No way would I let them see me suffer.
When I looked up the director was already talking about the next scene. What happened to me being the next big porn star?
The director gave me a card, paid me, and then told me to go meet Bobby.
Cash in my purse, Jack in my veins, wrath in my heart I was determined to become the next big porn star. I'd prove everyone wrong and get back at all the men who ever hurt me. And I'd make them pay.
Fame, fortune and sweet revenge..
- excerpts taken from "Truth Behind the Fantasy of Porn
The Greatest Illusion on Earth".
This week we are mourning the tragic death of yet another porn star: Cynthia Gillig-Stone, AKA "Echo Valley."
