Bullies and Shame:
Shame has to do with how you think about your whole self, and it results from not living up to your ideals or personal standards (who you are). A child might experience shame regarding his appearance, performance, socio-economic status, or the behavior of family members if he believes that they don't match up with what he thinks are "good enough" or ideal qualities. Shame is different than guilt, which is an emotion you might have from not living up to social standards; for example, if your actions have hurt others. Shame makes you feel as though your entire self is bad so that you want to hide yourself or disappear. It can be experienced as such a negative, intense emotion of self- loathing that it can lead you to disown it, and, in the case of one who acts like a bully, give it away by evoking shame in others. Kids who bully and tease can easily figure out what makes other kids ashamed, and they are skilled at triggering that emotion in others. Research studies have shown that there is no link between kids who bully and low self-esteem. Those who bully have high self-esteem and they are very shame-prone. A person can have problems with shame and still have high self-esteem, and this is what's often misunderstood about bullies (and narcissists). Their behavior toward others keeps their self-esteem high because it takes their own and others' attention away from the parts of themselves about which they are ashamed. In addition, bullies tend to trigger anxiety in their victims, which makes responding to their aggression and denigration very difficult. This is an excerpt from the article Emotions: The Engine of Attention by Mary Lamia, Ph.D. who is the author of Understanding Myself: A Kid's Guide to Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings, American Psychological Association/Magination Press, November 2010. http://www.marylamia.com. |
