When a child comes home from school sad because playmates hurt his feelings, many parents are crestfallen. Teasing is a loaded issue.  It may remind parents of how powerless they are to protect their children from every injury, especially emotional pain. It may even stir old wounds from past experiences on the schoolyard. Some parents may worry that it's a precursor for more serious behavior issues. Parents need to know that children develop social intelligence over time. They typically try out many different behaviors as they learn to get along with peers.  Parents can help by talking with their children about friendship.

 

Understanding Exclusive Teasing:

 

"Me and Jane are going to see Mary Poppins and you're not coming," or  "Only kids with light up shoes can come in the play house."  What's going on here? How can children be so mean?  Actually, the teaser is developing his skills around friendship.  The young child is sizing up the social world and finding his place in it. He or she is wondering: Who is my friend? Who likes me?  Who do I like? And most importantly, How do I fit in here?  At the same time, the young child still sees himself as the center of the universe. As he searches for reasons why one group should play together, he decides that it's because they all have light up shoes. He does not take the next step and consider how the child wearing boots or sandals will feel when left out of the game. Even though exclusive teasing is part of social development, children need help managing their feelings and behavior. 

 

Other Types of Teasing:

 

·   Imitation: children mimic how they are treated by older siblings or caregivers.

·   Attention: Teasing gets attention. For some, negative attention is better than none at all.

·   Power: Some children feel powerful when teasing upsets others.

·   Peer acceptance: Children may tease in order to fit in with the group.

·   Misunderstanding Differences: Many children are not familiar with cultural or ethnic differences.

So How Can Parents Help?

If Your Child is a Victim of Teasing,

·   First validate your child's feelings. Ask what happened and how it made him feel. 

·   Then encourage your child to express his feelings to others: He can say: "That hurt my feelings. I am angry with you for saying that." 

·   Try not to find excuses for the teaser. Concentrate on your child's perspective.

·   Don't get angry on your child's behalf. Your child needs room to express his feelings. 

·   Convey the message: "You can handle it."  

·   Encourage your child to play with children who make him feel good, not bad.

·   Report the conversation to your child's teacher. A good teacher helps children build social skills by having the whole class talk about hurtful words and behavior.  

  

If Your Child is Accused of Teasing,

·   Ask him what happened without criticism, so he feels safe discussing it with you.  Explain to your child that his friend was hurt by his words and describe why. 

·   Convey the importance of considering other people's feelings.

·   Don't be surprised if it takes several conversations before he is able to put ideas into practice. Perspective taking is a skill that develops over time.

·   Take some extra time to encourage your child to learn about differences.  A difference that exists in your own family is often a good starting place. 

·   Review your family's behavior. Is there anyone who teases inappropriately?  Is your child exposed to television shows where putdowns or hurtful behavior are applauded?

  

If your child is involved on either side of teasing, consider it an opportunity to talk about respecting others, expressing oneself with peers and managing strong feelings.  At first it might be hard to find the words, but this is just the beginning of an ongoing dialogue that will help your child be true to himself and feel confident with peers.