Learning to Love Yourself More
The single greatest issue that I have come across in my
coaching practice over the past number of years is lack of self-esteem and self
worth in many people. No matter how accomplished or successful a person may be
I still tend to find traces of low self-esteem and low self-confidence.
The conditioned beliefs, which many of us have inherited,
make it very difficult for us to truly feel good about ourselves. Living in a
competitive, controlling environment has taught us that we have to push to get
ahead or risk being left behind. This has made it difficult for many people to
ever feel good enough.
So often we have been taught that happiness comes from
external things like money, possessions, promotions, appearance and intelligence.
As a result we have not been taught to look within ourselves for true
happiness. Because we put so much emphasis on things outside of ourselves, we
often forget to take care of ourselves on the inside. It is my belief that you
will only be truly happy when you are able to find happiness within yourself
- and that can only be achieved by learning
to love yourself more.
I truly believe that the answer to most of our problems in
life is that we do not love ourselves enough. Often we are our own biggest
critics; we are even harder on ourselves than others are. I can understand
where that is coming from, but realize that in order to achieve true happiness
the way we treat ourselves must change.
It is critical to believe that you are the most important person
in your life. And no, that is not the same as being selfish or self-centered
(like so many of us have been taught). We are only selfish when we believe that
there is not enough (love, money, success, etc.) for everyone, and so we try to
keep what we desire for ourselves.
When you believe in abundance, you know that there is plenty
for you and for everyone else. Selfishness comes from fear. If you truly love
yourself then you are more than willing to give to others because you feel so
good about yourself. It is my belief that you cannot give to others what you do
not have for yourself. Therefore, you will only be able to really love others
once you've learned to love yourself.
I know that my life changed when I finally began to truly
love myself about five years ago. The better I treated myself, the better I
began to treat others. Once I realized that it was time to start loving myself
more, a world of opportunities, friendships and accomplishments began to appear
in my life. I realized that although I managed a multi-million dollar company
and had many people reporting to me, I really did not feel very self-confident
or self-assured. I really didn't think I was good enough - even though I
had accomplished so much in my life. I realized that I was always trying to get
others to approve of me, sometimes on a subconscious level. I felt as though I
was always giving and had difficulty receiving. I avoided confrontation because
I thought people would not like me if I spoke up to them. I tried so hard to get
people to like me but what I didn't realize was that deep down I didn't like
myself. I was so concerned about the opinions of others that I didn't realize
my own opinion of me. I was so focused on what others thought that I didn't
even know my own truth. As I began to be more understanding of myself and
stopped trying so hard to be liked, I slowly started to feel better about
myself. I let go of the guilt that I felt deep within me and truly began to
treat myself as if I was the most important person in my life. And as I became
more comfortable with myself and even began to really like myself... Guess what?
People noticed that I had changed for the better.
When we truly love ourselves we have so much more to give to
others because we are able to see the world in all of its abundance. Love is
abundance. Love is about kindness, genuine concern and appreciation. Love is
about being gentle and tender. Love is about not having expectations or
anticipations. Love is about being flexible and spontaneous. It is about respect
and not having to be right all the time. Love is not about winning and losing
and it is not about judging or controlling. Love is forgiving and
understanding. It is about accepting someone for who they truly are and not
trying to change them. It is about loyalty and devotion. Love is about being
considerate. Love is about trust, honesty and truth. Love is about giving and
receiving and feeling equally good about both. Love is about not having regrets
or feeling guilty. Love is how you feel not how you think. Love is about being
open and not dependant. Love is about making someone feel special and wanted.
And of course the list goes on and on, for we have been trying to define love
for many years and I believe we have not yet mastered the true definition of
it. I believe love is a feeling and cannot accurately be described by words.
So, if we agree that we need to love ourselves more and we
somewhat agree on what love is, then we should take our own personal definition
of love and reflect it upon ourselves.
Take a few moments and think about how much you really like
yourself and honour yourself. How forgiving and understanding are you when you
make a mistake? How devoted and loyal are you to yourself? Do you truly stand
up for yourself; do you draw boundaries around what you will not tolerate in
your life? Do you respect yourself? Do you judge yourself or do you accept
yourself for who you truly are? Do you pretend to be someone else? Do you trust
yourself to know what is in your best interest? Do you care more about the
opinions of others than your own opinion? Do you have regrets and make yourself
feel guilty about things you have done or not done? Do you treat yourself as if
you are the most special person in the world? Are you being open, flexible and
spontaneous in your life or are you rigid and closed? Do you have high
expectations about what you should be doing in life and get upset when you fall
short? Do you make yourself feel good or do you put yourself down? Are you
upset with yourself when you lose? Are you your biggest fan or your biggest
critic? Do you always accept yourself as you are?
These are a few things to consider as you think about how
you can love yourself more. As you begin to change the way you treat yourself
and learn to truly love yourself, your world on the inside will surely change
and with that your outer world will transform as well. The love you have for
yourself will begin to pour forth and you will shine brightly on all those you
come in contact with.
