Understanding

If the world is truly to become a better place, it is important that we all learn the art of understanding. For so long we have been taught to get our own point of view across without thinking about the other perspective.  There is a guiding principle that was put forth by Dr. Stephen R. Covey that says: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." What if we were to learn to practice this concept more in our lives? It is my belief that we are actually more similar to one other than we tend to think, but we choose to emphasize our differences instead. I guess that comes from years of conditioning that has taught us to look at others as separate from ourselves. Many of us have been raised in a competitive environment where winning and getting ahead is very important. With these as our guiding principles how can we truly consider the other perspective? Many believe that if you focus more on understanding another person's perspective - you won't be able to win, or get ahead. We think: "I must be strong and push forth in order to convince you of my point of view." Maybe these values have come from a time in our human history when it was necessary to "survive" and only the fittest endured. But, I believe times have changed and we no longer need to "survive" as a humanity...we need to flourish. If we are to do so, I believe, we must embark on a new stage in our evolution and begin to move toward greater understanding and tolerance!

But, how do we go about becoming a more tolerant and understanding people? In the work that I have done in my coaching I have come to realize a few concepts about understanding. First, to truly be able to understand someone else, you must try to see things from that person's perspective. But, why does that seem so difficult? Perhaps, because we are so focused on trying to have our own opinions listened to...that we forget to understand where others are coming from.

Maybe it stems from our roots, dating back to the time of the cavemen, that we developed a domineering, controlling and conquering side. But the more I have worked with people, the more I am starting to believe that something else may have caused us to become the insistent, self-absorbed people that we (perhaps unwillingly) have become. What I believe is that we have not been taught to truly love ourselves enough and as a consequence we are constantly trying to prove our own self-worth to the world.

I have found that this is often a very subtle and unconscious behaviour. Many of us do not even realize that what we are saying or doing is really about seeking validation and trying to make ourselves feel good. How can you ever really understand the other perspective when you are so concerned about expressing your point of view so that you can be recognized and validated?  I truly believe that we must get better at loving ourselves if we are to move forward and become a more tolerant and understanding society.

What I have discovered is that since we generally don't love ourselves enough we often take things personally. Deep down we can be so vulnerable and sensitive that when someone says something to us we end up taking it personally - even if that was not the intention. The less you feel self-confident and self- assured, the more you will mistake simple comments, for attacks on your person.

As a result of most people not feeling good enough about themselves, we have learned to become judgmental of others. Interestingly enough, what I have discovered is that what often holds us back from understanding another person's perspective is our "taking things personally" and our tendency to judge. Through coaching with my clients I have come to realize that whenever a person feels threatened in any way by comments made by someone else, he/she tends to judge that person in order to make him/herself feel better. The moment you retreat and try to defend yourself or make yourself feel better, is the moment you give up the opportunity to understand the other person's perspective.

If we are to shift to become more understanding of other peoples' perspectives, I believe we must start by turning the focus away from ourselves and onto the other person. Once again, I believe this is only possible when we truly feel good about ourselves. Once you are genuinely focused on where the other person is coming from, you can begin to understand their situation by asking questions. I have found that if you ask open-ended (non-judgmental) questions in a loving way, people are often more than willing to share their "story" or perspective. You cannot truly understand another person - I believe - until you understand where they have come from and what their "story" is. It is our "story" that forms our beliefs and our perspective on life. As you are listening for the answers to your questions it is critical to listen to understand, rather than listening to respond. Often as we listen to people, we become distracted thinking about what we're going to say next. I have found that a lot of people are more interested in talking rather than listening. Empathetic listening is necessary in seeking to understand where someone is coming from.

Finally, it is important to focus on the big picture rather than on the details of what someone is saying. The "big picture" will give you a much better understanding of that person. When you finally have a good understanding of the other person's situation, it is important to not resort to telling them what you think they should do. I believe people want to be understood, not told what to do. Telling someone what to do simply adds to the inadequate feelings that person (likely) already has.  I know this technique works because I use it all the time in my coaching, and I am able to understand the issues that are of greatest concern to the people I coach with.

I believe it is impossible to understand another person's perspective when we are only focused on our own perspective. It is very hard (if not impossible) to see things from two perspectives simultaneously. As long as we don't feel good enough about ourselves, we will be unable to see the others person's point of view first...and thus we lose out on the opportunity for a greater understanding of others.

I believe that the only way our planet is going to survive is if we move more toward cooperation and away from competition. If we begin to understand why other people do what they do and say what they say, then we can begin to work together to raise our humanity to a higher level of consciousness. If we are to survive and flourish as a humanity we must begin to become more tolerant and understanding of all points of view, and in my opinion the way to begin that process is to become more loving and understanding of ourselves!

  ·