Life is a Reflection of Us
I have heard the saying, "as within so without," for a long
time, but only recently have I come to truly understand its meaning. What I now
know is that whatever I see in someone else that really bothers me is really
just an issue in my own life. This concept has been referred to as "the
mirror," and I truly believe in it. In my coaching, when I first bring up this
concept, people tend to be very sceptical. They find it very hard to believe
that when you heal your money issues, for example, you will no longer be
bothered by the money issues of others - you probably won't even notice
them anymore.
I have been working with the mirror concept for a few years
now and I know it works. I first practiced on myself as I identified the
behaviours in others that really, really bothered me. One such behaviour was
responsibility. I was bothered by anyone who acted "irresponsibly." As I began
to study behaviour from the "mirroring perspective" I came to learn that all
behaviours have a polar opposite. I learned a lot from Debbie Ford whose
"shadow work" is used to examine the shadow or darker behaviours that we all
have within us. Her book "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" is an excellent
way to begin to understand our shadow characteristics and how they work. Ford
claims that many of us are so afraid of our shadow side that we totally deny it
and bury it deep within ourselves, hoping it will never surface. She also
contends that by doing so, we set ourselves up for the occasional extreme "blow
up" as those shadow behaviours explode to the surface after being suppressed
for so long.
As I mentioned, I believe each of our behaviours has a polar
opposite. In essence, all behaviour exists as a continuum - spanning from
what we often refer to as the "positive" aspect of that behaviour all the way
down to what we consider its "negative" aspect. So, if you follow this logic, responsible and irresponsible are the same behaviours, but differ only in a matter
of degrees.
The best example I have heard which explains this, is hot
and cold. It is said they are both the same and only differ in matter of
degrees (pardon the pun). At what point does hot become cold? I guess it
depends on the person and how they are feeling in the circumstance. I don't think
you will find a universal definition of what is cold to all people. One morning in April I was out riding my bike and it was one degree Celsius. I was dressed
in a sweatshirt, jacket and gloves. I saw people wearing shorts and t-shirts. I
was cold and they were hot, and yet the temperature was the same for both of
us. So hot or cold is not about temperature, but whether someone feels hot or
cold. That differs depending on the person and the circumstances. This is the
same for responsible and irresponsible. Being one or the other depends on your
perspective and the circumstances. The same is true for all behaviours. One
person's definition of honesty and dishonesty can be quite different than an
others'.
The first step in practicing "mirror work" is identifying the
behaviour(s) in others that really disturbs you and then finding it's polar
opposite. You will most likely find that that the opposite is something you can
identify with. Not only that, but you will probably find you are the extreme of
that polar opposite behaviour. As in my example, not only did irresponsible
people bother me but I also spent most of my time trying to behave as I thought
"Mr. Responsible" should.
Now comes the fascinating part of what I discovered.
Interestingly enough, I believe that when we are bothered by a characteristic
in someone else it is really its mirror behaviour that we are truly
uncomfortable with. In other words, the issue is ours, not the other
person's. What I have come to discover
is that in my case I was afraid of becoming irresponsible and that drove me to
be more responsible than I was truly comfortable being. It turned out that I
became super responsible in order to get recognition and appreciation from my
family. I took responsibility to the highest level on the continuum (to a level
I really didn't feel comfortable with) and somehow became a responsibility
snob. My inner desire to use responsibility to gain recognition and love made
me far more responsible than I really wanted to be. As Debbie Ford would say, I
was afraid of my shadow side that was irresponsible because if I acted irresponsibly, I thought, others would not respect me. Hence, anytime I would
see someone else acting irresponsibly I would get very upset.
So what can you do about this? Your life begins to change as you make peace
within yourself and heal the characteristic of yourself that you are not
comfortable with. I did just that. I let go of trying to be ultra responsible
and became more comfortable with the fact that I didn't always have to be the
responsible one. I moved to a more comfortable place on the responsibility
continuum. What is interesting is that I am still pretty responsible, but now I
feel more comfortable with my sense of responsibility. And guess what?
Irresponsible people don't bother me very much anymore.
This doesn't mean that the behaviour that really bothers you
in others, disappears completely, it just means you don't notice it as much
anymore and when you do witness it in others, you are far less disturbed. I
have tried this with many of the behaviours that bothered me in others, and
each time when I healed within me the opposite behaviour that was bothering me;
I no longer was bothered by the other person's behaviour. What I suggest you
do, when you feel bothered by someone else, is isolate the behaviour that is
really bothering you by removing the name and face of the person from the
behaviour. This will help you to realize that it is not the person who is
bothering you, but their behaviour. Then
proceed with finding the opposite behaviour and figure out why you are not
comfortable with that within yourself.
I'm sure you will
discover, as I have, that life is truly a reflection of what is within us. When
we heal all our hurts, we will find our life feels a lot different. And, other
people will not only not bother us as much, but we will become more tolerant,
understanding and compassionate towards friends, family and even strangers. I
guess this means that if we want to make the world a better place the first
thing to do is begin working on ourselves!
As Mahatma Gandhi said: "Be the change you want to see in the world".
